💀 😭
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I wish ‘You idiot.’ was an appropriate way to end a work email.
My wife is a beautiful, kind & giving woman who also checks my TL.
You can strip us of our rights,
our dignity and our freedom but know this; we will NEVER stop correcting your grammar.
Thanked a rival dad at the neighborhood chili cook off for making his mild so my kids could have some.
A hot girl in the hallway just smiled at me, but don’t worry; I yelled “I’m taken,” and ran into the men’s bathroom where she can’t follow.
my mom gave me a whistle in case you guys start giving me advice
So are these single women just throwing themselves against walls as they masturbate?
FIRST PERSON TO USE AN IRON: This battle hammer does wonders for my enemies’ shirts!
People have all types of advice on getting a tick to pull out of your skin; Vaseline, matches, alcohol, mayo, etc. FOOLPROOF technique? Take it out to a fancy dinner and tell it you really see a future in the relationship and have always dreamt of having many children.
[At the gym before someone teaches me the word spotting]: “hey bro will you take care of me and protect me?”
My kid: I’ll look
Me: No, no one is going to look
Target Employee: Why don’t you take a look at our new collection of home decor? It’s so beautif-
Me: *blindly flailing a knife from under the blanket covering our heads and cart* I’M ONLY HERE FOR LAUNDRY SOAP, DEMON
A shampoo bottle upside-down in the shower is basically your low-fluid indicator light.
I really don’t have much respect for those that take drugs and alcohol.
Like Customs, for example.
I love it when people throw out those inspirational tweets like ‘live life to the fullest’ after they’ve spent the entire day on Twitter.
Q. Why are ghostbusters afraid of bridges over small rivers?
A. Because they’re not supposed to cross the streams
Sometimes I think about when I told my 10 year old he could be like me when he grew up because I was trying to be cool and he said YAY, I GET TO LAY ON A HEATING PAD ALL DAY
KILLER: I’M GONNA CATCH YOU
ME: YOU’LL NEVER CA- [stops running to pet a dog]
If your bar serves those giant beers in a cowboy boot, I’m leaving. I hate gimmicks. I mean, I’ll drink the beer first, but then I’m out. Damn hipsters.
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything.
Chocolate fountains are so 20th century. This is the future. At my wedding we’re having a burrito fountain.
if you ever want to witness an Oscar worthy performance, ask any person from twitter their follower count and watch them pretend to not know
i was so happy to be snuggled on the couch with both my kids when my sweet daughter turned to me, patted me and sweetly said “mommy you have a big big tummy”
parenting is not for the faint of heart
Not to brag but, they’re going to keep my résumé on file…
THE INVENTOR OF HAND SANITIZER: who’s the paranoid one now huh, WHO’S THE PARANOID ONE NOW
My husband drives me to drink.
Unless a friend volunteers.
why do birds
sudenly appear
every time
you are near
and how do u
always manage
to fit that many
birds in ur mouth
to begin with
I had no idea we were still brushing our teeth.
Thin eyeliner today.
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*covers entire face.
Most of the time I fall asleep before I figure out which remote does what again
Me: You’re NEVER supportive of my goals and accomplishments.
Police: Because you keep killing people