💀 😭
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*job interview*
“Tell me about a time when you made a positive impact in your organization.”
I quit
Looks at the shower
At least YOU get turned on when I’m naked
Found some beef jerky under my kid’s pillow, and now I have some questions for the tooth fairy
Eat…
I almost got ran over by joggers. I saved myself by pretending to be a stop light. I got away while they jogged in place.
happy 100th birthday caesar salad!! may we all celebrate this day by stabbing a politician
I know it’s dying but it’s difficult for me to let go of this app. I met my wife through Twitter. Who knows what other wives I could meet? Maybe even my second wife.
lost my job at Red Lobster for saying crabsolutely too much
“What kind of sick game are you playing, Karen?”
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son’s train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
#HatDadJoke
I did a bad I need to share
I broke a thing they can’t repair
I tried denial I tried despair
But settled on a vacant stare
I hired a roofer…
but then he came down with the shingles
Why do they call it sweeping the leg and not defeeting your opponent?
They call it “childbirth” lest anyone think that women give birth to adults or kangaroos.
Dog Park
Kid: What’s his name?
Me: Dorito. He’s a therapy taco. Don’t pet him.
Kid:*Throws Ball*
Taco:*Chases it. Lettuce flies everywhere*
The difference between your husband and your Netflix account is, over time, your Netflix account learns what you like.
How good at basketball do you have to be to get a COVID test
NOTICE: Drive thru weddings at the First State Bank from 6-10pm. Put $50 in the money drawer and out comes a marriage license and two rolls of Smarties. God bless.
I would never want to go on a date with The Kool-Aid man partially because he is a large juice but mainly because I think the financial strain from the wall repair bills would cause issues in our relationship.
inefficient if literal:
a dust bowl
If I’m extra friendly and super sweet when I see you again, it’s cause I’ve forgotten your name
Before Google, people had to go out in the alley and yell “WHAT’S THE NAME OF THE MONKEY FROM ALADDIN?” until they got some answers.
I’m going to start an emo group called System of a Frown.
Dangerously attractive guitars get added to the sexy fenders register.
rise and shine we got egg
So you think the sloth is the slowest land mammal in the world? Let me introduce you to my 4 year old when he needs to get ready for bed
This is Weller. He picked this flower for you. He also may have eaten a few of them. Not this one though. This one was special. 12/10 we are honored Weller
The MCU should introduce an evil version of Mjölnir that you can only lift if you’re a total jerk.
Someone in the line at the gas station just now told me I had pretty hair, so I said thank you while laughing nervously and flipping it, hitting them right in the face. Let. Me. Die.