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My daughter is at school and she just sent me this photo entirely without context so I have to assume she turned her teachers into cats
OMG, he’s almost here.
How’s my hair?
My clothes?
How do I look?(knock, knock)
He’s here!!!!
I’m so excited!*My pizza delivery guy.
[me at my dumbest texting my friend]: u left your phone at my house
I’ve said some things, and if I could take them back I would, but if it’s not too late, I’d like my sub toasted
The next Godzilla/King Kong universe movie:
“How I Met Your Mothra”
Have you heard about a new sport called Quiet Tennis?
It’s like regular tennis but without the racket.
me: I’m becoming very forgetful lately
doctor: can you give me an example
me: of what
ME: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
TINDER DATE: LOL no, that’s my pug, Arthur
*silence for 10mins*
ME: is Arthur coming or
When I die, I want people to think back lovingly about me and say “oh, I thought she was already dead”
The pens at banks are attached to chains because they turn into werewolves during a full moon and it’s for the town’s protection.
The girl at Starbucks wrote my name as “Meghen” like I lay eggs or some shit.
It’s so weird to call it the “mall”. In Scotland we are very creative, we call one store a “shop” and many stores “the shops”.
Freezing cake does not impede eating.
Stiff calories are still delicious.
I bought my son a book about bats and halfway through it he shouted out, “WHAT??? BATS ARE REAL?!?!” All this time he thought they were made up for Halloween like ghosts and witches
the killers: it’s called mr. brightside. verse 1 is about being cheated on
producer: geez does it get resolved in the 2nd verse?
the killers: no, we literally just sing all of that again. won’t change a word
producer: sounds bad
the killers: its the greatest song ever written
Oh sure, a guy spends 3 days in complete isolation and when he comes out, they call him “messiah”, but when I do it, they call it “job abandonment”.
“You’ve got a friend in me.”
– Cannibals, probably
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
nothing in life prepared me for the trauma of a wildlife narrator saying “but danger lurks” after showing me ten minutes of footage of adorable fur babies
Satan giving a tour of hell: “Over there we have people who make that sound when they chew gum and idiots who use hashtags on Facebook.”
Psychology says:
People will believe everything written after “psychology says.”
I get out of awkward conversations by pulling a balloon out, making a dog and just say I need to take it for a walk.
How are there more Canadians on Twitter than in Canada?
Any job can be a dream job if you have nightmares about work
To whoever has my voodoo doll, stop making her go to work !
CDC Recommends Also Wearing Face Mask On Back Of Head In Case Coronavirus Attacks From Rear
To cut a long story short, play your audiobook on triple speed.
they say if you lose one of your senses the others become heightened like for instance i lost my sense of humor in a boating accident but now my sense of style is so on point i can tell when someone’s wearing white after labor day just by looking at them
Doctor: Do you smoke?
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D: tobacco
Me: No.
A bar and a bra , both drive men crazy when they open .