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“People probably won’t ever need to reseal this ever, right?” – brown sugar manufacturers.
In a hotel room. The dog’s growling and whimpering. My wife’s worried the neighbours will think we’re having sex.
I ordered a pair of shoes delivered to my house. I’m too excited to wait at home so I’m camping out at the end of my street. Send snacks?
10 y/o daughter walked up to me and said, “My Father’s Day gift to you is me because without me, you wouldn’t be a father,” then she added, “You’re welcome,” before walking away and that about sums up being a father.
glad to see they’re taking this season of american horror story in a bold new exact same direction.
A lawyer walks into a bar. A lawyer leaves the bar. A lawyer walks into the bar. A lawyer fails the bar because he was drunk.
“thank you all for coming to my crisis” i say as i turn to face everyone in the elevator
all i did was tell my dad i’m anaemic 😭😭
[interview]
Where do you see yourself in the next 5 years?
Me: “OMG I’M NOT A PSYCHIC THE SIGN SAID NO SKILLS REQUIRED!”
*eating lawn mower parts*
what, it’s grass fed
HIM: Hi, I’m Bill.
ME: Hi, I’m…oh shit this is embarrassing. I’m not really good with names.
The best part of Robocop is when they spent billions of dollars making a cyborg super soldier instead of helping Detroit not be awful.
instead of valuable antiques, my mom passes down my childhood pastel poofy-sleeved 80’s outfits so my kids can carry on the family legacy of looking stupid
My family used to move a lot when I was a kid, but I always found them.
Me (as a doctor): I’m afraid you have very moderately progressing gonorrhea
Patient: what? I don’t understand
Me (starts slow clap)
If you go to a ghost-themed party and they start burning a giant wooden cross, then you’re not at a ghost-themed party. And you’re an idiot.
A dragonfly just landed on my face an I reacted the same way I’d react if an actual dragon had landed on my face.
[first person to see an ostrich]
Check out that chicken horse.
“Are you religious?”
Bro I don’t even believe in myself
I don’t trust people who don’t wash their hands after burying a body in the yard.
According to WebMD, I either have the Ebola virus or I just sat on my car keys :/
Every triangle is a love triangle when you love triangles
Baby carrots were deprived from their mothers’ love and their childhood just to satisfy your hunger you vegetarian bastard. Good job.
It is important not to say “be careful” to a toddler as they will interpret it as a challenge and things won’t end well
Me: I’m really enjoying this disaster movie.
Him: That’s the news.
My girlfriend told me she loved me and wanted to marry me so I shot her in self defense.
Pizza Hut: Hello
Me: I’d like a hot dog bites pizzas
PH: Pick up or delivery?
Me: Based on that order, you think I get off the couch?
Dads watch golf because they know no one will join them
Plot twist: The Rock isn’t Kid Rock’s real dad.