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3 month plan:
1. Get a man
2. Plan fancy dinner
3. Check in on Facebook
4. Instagram dinner
5. Make that bitch Kelly jealous of you for once
Paste is one of those weird things that only seem to exist until Kindergarten and then disappears forever.
If you want me to die in a horrible accident tell me there’s an ice cream bar at the top of a spiral staircase.
need a SPY 2 where Melissa McCarthy and Jason Statham go undercover as Olympics breakdancers from a made-up country
With the money I found in the dryer, the girl in me says buy chocolate and candy, but the adult in me says buy beer, chocolate and candy.
Have donuts and coffee, will travel.
North Korea is like that annoying kid in high school who was always threatening you with nuclear weapons
My retirement plan is to become a cat.
Manicotti implies the existence of Pedicotti.
Doctor: it’s a beautiful baby girl!
Nurse: what’s her name?
Me: well we both love Kit Kats
Nurse: that’s so cute! Kit, or Kat?
Me: meet Wafer
Since Julius Caesar’s assassination was a group project there were definitely some guys who did just enough stabbing to get a passing grade.
At the grocery store, buying 6 of the same item
Cashier: Are these good?
Me: No. I’m buying all of them just to save others from suffering
My husband made me a drink & told me to sit down while he makes dinner & all I can say is, whatever he did wrong, Iโm totally fine with it.
The movie Speed, except this bus driver apparently thinks we’ll blow up if he goes over 15 mph.
6yo (raises hand) Teacher, I know how to do dark mode.
*closes eyes
My cats woke me up at 3am fighting so while they’re trying to sleep it off I think I’ll spend the whole day vacuuming
sometimes i don’t spot my typos until it’s toilet
I’m not sure why people limit themselves to snapping wishbones when there are so many excellent human bones for breaking.
Nurse: โHave you had any unexplained weight gain this past year?โ
Me: โNo, there are explanations.โ
Hot neighbor (limping): I slipped and fell on my bedroom floor this morning
Me: Haha, I saw that
Her: What?
Me: What?
Somebody Cadbury Cream egged our house last night. I’d be upset, but I’ve been too busy licking off the bricks.
Attention: All employees will be required to bring their own toilet paper until further notice.
-Management
nice idyllic small town ya got hereโฆitโd be a shame if it harbored a deadly secret
They say all good things must come to an end…
After 7 wonderful years of marriage…
I walked in on my wife…
Watching Twilight..
This guy must really want to impress me with his endurance skills. Because when I asked if he wanted a ride, he said “No thanks I’ll walk”
Always love a woman for her personality. They have like 10, so you can choose.
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he has my lighter
My favorite actual friendly mom competition is when we all stand around comparing how our children have creatively destroyed our furniture, carpets, walls and homes
I went to a club called Innuendos last night. I’m banned but managed to slip in the back doors.
Me “Waiter, why is there a live penguin in my soup?”
Waiter “we were worried the other birds would drown.”