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If I was rich I’d have two hedge mazes. One from which there can be no escape. And one for more lighthearted affairs and casual mazing.
COACH: [to player with head injury]: What year is it?
PLAYER: 2020.
COACH: Correct. Who is the president?
PLAYER: I don’t know.
COACH: Also correct.
“How can I waste ten seconds of someone’s time and make total strangers hate me?”
– Credit card chip inventor
– Me, writing tweets
There’s “disappointment” and then there’s “Waiter walking past my table with food I thought was mine disappointment”
My son asked why some mommies and daddies live in different houses, so I sat him down and told him the truth… their kids complained about slow WiFi and never went to bed on time.
Don’t be mean to people. With the way the economy is going, you might have to eat those people and your anger is just going to make their meat all stressed out and stringy. Choose love.
when your spouse’s phone rings & they go to the other room to answer it
Recently in Miami, I was so excited to see my wife and 8YO on the jet ski, for the first time. I screamed, shouted and kept waving at them. When they came back, I realized I was cheering a wrong family the whole time
WIFE:
“At recess today, some kid named Billy told our daughter that he had butterflies in his stomach. Isn’t that adorable?”ME:
”That Miller kid? He’ll eat anything.”
Me: *about to get kidnapped* What kind of puppy?
Someone told me once you can’t keep complaining about something if you’re not gonna do anything about it. But I’ve found that you can, pretty easily.
It was my daughter’s turn to pick the movie the other night and I was not prepared for her to choose a yeti documentary
I don’t moan during sex, I prefer to yodel.
Me: These are my children, Brian & Susan.
Her: What?!? Children? Since when?
Me: Since I’m getting audited today.
latin students necrophiliacs
🤝
enjoying a dead tongue
“My ex was a great wife, mom & never once complained once about ass to mouth” was apparently not an acceptable speech when she remarried?
Goodnight moon.
Goodnight room.
Goodnight sanctimonious people arguing on the internet
[buys plastic lightsabers for the kids]
5-year-old daughter: Mine is broken.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
5: It doesn’t even cut off arms.
*closes door*
“Did you take out the trash?”
“Her name is LINDA, Mom.”
“If you started at 16 and work until you’re 23.
That would give you 10 years of experience.”
Back to school for you My friend!
Walking by a jewelry store and admiring diamond earrings:
Friend: Maybe he’ll get you those for Christmas
Me: I’ve been asking for a new potato peeler for the past five years, so I’m guessing that’s a no
I’ve seen The Blair Witch Project and that’s all I need to know about camping.
processed food was literally designed for you to eat. organic is just some crap they found on the ground somewhere
date: what is this plate scribbled on with a marker
me: ah yes *kisses fingertips* my signature dish
Why didn’t they just call Thanksgiving ‘The Nightmare Before Christmas’?
If Christian Bale’s voice as Batman were any more throaty, that dude would be talking Arabic.
doctor: *handing me newborn baby* do you have a name for him?
me: uhhh *looking around room* mop
doctor: it can be whatever you want
me: stegosaurus
doctor: hell yeah there we go
taking one edible and remembering my high school locker combination then taking a second edible and forgetting how to multiply by six
If you encounter a bear DON’T RUN. Maintain eye contact. Keep maintaining it. Fall in love. Marry the bear. Tell story to your grandbearbies
Interviewer: Tell me your convictions
Me: Arson, 5 years. I burnt down my office
Interviewer: I mean like ‘firm beliefs’
Me: Company loyalty