💀💀🤣 Why are we like this?
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All I’m saying is the second guy to bungee jump was honest about his weight.
*kneels to pray*
“Hello, God?”
“YOU’VE REACHED CUSTOMER SUPPORT.”
“Who is this?”
“MY NAME IS BRAD.”
“Are you in Heaven, Brad?”
“NO, INDIA.”
me: *barges into the room*
how dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
[to the tune of feliz navidad]
police are the cops
if the earth is so flat explain why cats haven’t pushed everything off it yet. you can’t.
9yo: (mouths off to me)
Me:
Hubs: You’re not doing anything? At least take his iPad away.
Me: Patience
(1 hour later)
9yo: Mom! My iPad’s dead, where’s the charger?
Me: What charger?
Hubs: Nice one.
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve threatened to cancel Halloween today, then I’d have about 25 dollars.
unfortunately thanks to anesthesia we’ll never know if internal organs can be ticklish
Me: This week was long as shit, I’m exhausted, I have nothing to tweet.
*one minute after turning out light*
My brain: The fictional reality the super-rich have created for themselves is the Yacht Matrix.
there is literally nothing you could do at a mcdonalds that would cause a whale to call the cops
I followed the link to your résumé but it brought me to some website called FunnyTweeter..? Anyway Im laughin my butt off, youre hired dude
Helping in the kitchen this morning. So far I’ve used 467 paper towels
If you actually call it junk drawer you’ll stop putting stuff in it and another drawer becomes official junk drawer
*me carrying in all of the groceries
Wife: I feel bad, I don’t have anything
Me: You always have me
Wife: See what I’m saying
2nd Rule of Parent Club:
If your kid suddenly says “I think I’d better wash my hands”, don’t question them. I repeat, DO NOT QUESTION THEM.
I like to watch the murder shows on Investigation Discovery so I don’t make the same mistakes those killers did.
[camping]
Her: *pointing* What’s that?
Me: Decoy bacon sammich. For bears
H: *tuts*
M: We’re safe as long as it’s there
H: Right…
*later – cut to me eating the sammich*
*later still – cut to me being mauled by a grizzly*
M: I get no pleasure saying this, but told you so
Me: Is the natural state of the soul quiet or chaos?
Taco Bell cashier: Look buddy, it’s transient, shifting like water
inside you there are two wolves. one snores like “honk shoo honk shoo honk shoo.” the other one snores like “hooooonk mi mi mi”
She blocked me on everything, she must wanna see me in person
It’s pretty apt that the i is in the middle of ‘hurricane’.
why have kids when i already have a voice in my head constantly talking me into buying things i can’t afford
Idea for a ghost hunting show: have calm people investigate shit
[Interview]
Why do you want this job?
Me: *opens briefcase* I don’t.
*pulls out Snickers*
I just wanted to eat this without my kids around
Guy trying to flirt with me: I just can’t understand how someone like you doesn’t have a boyfriend.
Me: Here, does this help?
*turns and walks away*
Care for your back
It’s like the only thing my kids learned from Snow White is that fruit is horribly poisonous.
The lady behind me in the drive-thru honked impatiently so i paid for her order. When she pulled up to the 1st window to pay, her expression was priceless. Then I picked up both orders at the 2nd window and drove away