💀💀🤣 Why are we like this?
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Used to be a hairdresser. Once when trimming a bob my pinkie finger slipped into the clients mouth. Awkward eye contact ensued. We’ve been married 24 years. Only joking, he never came back to the salon.
me: it smells like updog in here
me: what’s updog
me: not much dog what’s up with you lmao
me: lol
therapist: I see
When my hairdresser asked me if I intentionally styled my hair like that, I panicked.
I told her someone jumped me in the parking and styled it. I’m a quick thinker you know.
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial distribct & all i coud think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
Imagine being all knowing and still putting a snake in charge of apples
Thank you to all the people who gave their lives figuring out which mushrooms we can and can’t eat.
Monday Lisa
Inventor of raisins: “What do you like about grapes”
me: the juice part, the freshness
Inventor: right but what if they had neither
So out of it today. Was squeezing honey in my tea and thought, “Can’t believe this stuff comes from bears.”
7-year-old: How late can I stay up?
Me: As late as you want if you’re doing chores.
7: I’m going to bed now.
People will stop talking to you if you challenge them to a rap duel.
Conjunctivitis implies the existence of projunctivitis.
I’m going to need a moment here.
me: jesus, all i have in the cupboard is two tins of tuna fish, an expired box of jello, and egg noodles
1950’s cookbook author’s ghost, calling from hell: well well well, not so high and mighty now, are we?
“This is mine”, he growled passionately into her ear. “Are we clear?”
Breathlessly, she agreed. She wouldn’t try to eat his nachos again.
You really shouldn’t label sandwiches, I mean they have a right to exist in a world without labels and judgements just like everyone else.
Thank god madagascar 3 is coming out. Just didnt get the closure i needed with the first 2
FRIEND: What do you think?
ME: *passing joint* Hell yes!
I put a message in a bottle and threw it in the Ocean. The note said “I have Tuberculosis and I coughed in this bottle”
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
My reality: STOP ARGUING! YOU NEED TO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
I am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. i will show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me ever again
i will not be silenced
“shark infested waters”…. you mean their home????😭
You know in a video game when you kept pushing b to get through the talking part but later realized you should’ve read it? That’s adulthood.
Three boxes of the same cereal in the pantry are a sign I should consider using a shopping list at the supermarket rather than just winging it.
Pro tip: Get two photos that are ten years apart and label your before photo as your after and your after photo as your before.
My husband excused himself from the table to take a work call. What’s the official waiting period on stealing his fries?
Amazon is working on a “Carrie” TV series. Man, it’s about time Stephen King got one of his books adapted! It’s great to see his work finally getting a little recognition. Bravo to Amazon for being open to fresh ideas from new authors.
I miss childhood because my back didn’t hurt and I didn’t have to make dinner every night