馃拃馃槶
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merlin: whoever pulls the sword from the stone is the true king
arthur: oh, this sword?
merlin: by my beard.. what is your first order, my liege?
arthur: table
merlin: what?
arthur: [right in his face] and that shit better be a circle
Try explaining to your kid why you’re taking a bath with a cucumber then come talk to me about your problems.
I am at my most pretend homemaker when I have a repair person in the house. Who me? Oh I鈥檓 just gonna sit here and handsew the trim back on this pillow and when I鈥檓 finished with that I鈥檓 going to sort my dried flowers for two hours.
[Job interview]
Employer: please explain the gap on your resume
Me: what…they were hiring
Sarcasm…
Because mocking you directly would be rude.
I love my job at Amazon. At first I thought that wearing a catheter to work to avoid bathroom breaks was unreasonable, but after several sessions of deep hypnosis with the company therapist I鈥檝e come to realize that the catheter is just a part of my body鈥攁 body of the future.
My 4yo: Let’s play a game!
Me: Is it you throw toys around the house and I pick them up?
4: No. Yes.
Intoxicated man causing disturbances attempts to hide from police…under a blanket
I don’t know where this squirrel’s husband is but he’s in deep shit
I鈥檓 not here to judge anyone鈥檚 religion. I鈥檓 here to judge their misinterpretation of it.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i’m so optimistic
HER: yes
ME: cool see u tonight
Told my kid he better not steal another candy bar cuz “we don’t have time to get arrested” if you’re looking for a parenting role model.
More like Kermit *A* Frog, there are other frogs
*grilled cheese
cheese: i want a lawyer
FACT: Uma Thurman is the only person to ever have been named by someone with a mouthful of food.
COMCAST: have you considered getting with the world’s number one selling broadband?
ME: [thinking he meant the Spice Girls] ..all the time.
[picks up date]
*slides over hood of car* *slides off car onto another car* *slides off that one onto another car* *date looks at her watch*
(At a funeral)
Im so sorry for your loss. I know how it feels to lose something you love. Last year Taylor Swift took her music off Spotify.
ah yes the two sexualities, queer and italian
Me: I can’t seem to lose weight
CW: Have you tried cutting back on your sugar intake
Me:*stirring coffee with snickers bar* What do you mean
This outfit is called Running Into Someone I Know Would Be The Ultimate Worst Thing That Could Happen
This is my emotional support yacht 馃巰
Hey, hey…calm down please. Stop crying. I think all babies are ugly, not just yours.
The me that wants to lose five pounds and the me that keeps eating cookies need to have a talk.
ME: may I speak to the chef please? Today鈥檚 repast was magnifiqu茅
MCDONALD鈥橲 CASHIER: what
I can鈥檛 make everyone happy, I鈥檓 not lasagna.
But I can cause heartburn like red sauce.
Today I am thankful that I can still move faster than the huge spider that was in my kitchen sink a few minutes ago.
Today, I want to talk about underperforming continents. Antarctica, explain yourself.
Wanna freak people out? Lick your fingertips when you finish pumping gas.
Police: Pull over and stop!
Me: [on moped]What鈥檚 the problem?
Police: You鈥檙e not wearing the proper reflective equipment! We鈥檙e taking you in!
Me: [wearing reflector vest, blaze orange parachute pants, coal miners hat, Michael Jacksons left glove] I CAN SEE MY HOUSE FROM HERE!