💁🏻♂️
You Might Also Like
Kid: Daddy can I give some of my candy to that duck?
Me: No, ducks only eat things they find in nature, like bread.
Me: I’d like a 90 minute massage please
Clerk: would you like to add acupuncture for $79.99
Me: listen if I wanted to get stabbed in the back, I would do it for free
B
ME: *admires her calves* ooohh nice
HER: do you mind?!
ME: sorry, sorry *admires her piglets instead*
Imagine the alien whose first encounter with a human is somebody struggling to put on their scuba flippers.
I put my fake Christmas tree up in record time
then compulsively fluff it for a month.
I’ve been eating cucumber slices instead of chips and when I close my eyes, I pretend I’m eating something more enjoyable, like broken glass or rusty nails.
*Gets bit by spider*
*I don’t get powers*
*Spider develops bags under all eight eyes and starts yelling at my kids*
We reach out to meet each other half way, filling the vast void between us. We yearn to become as one.” – A poem by my eyebrows
I guess the Tupperware lids in my house just graduate and go off to college or something.
I feel like movies exaggerate men’s enthusiasm for having meaningful conversations while playing pool.
Everyone romanticizes the past until they get horribly sick and wake up covered in leeches.
My mom put shredded carrots in our Jello, so don’t tell me about your rough childhood.
In the movie Titanic it always bugged me that she stayed on the raft when clearly she had more body fat for warmth.
JESUS (hitting snooze): Just three more days.
ROBIN: the batmobile won’t start
BATMAN: check the battery
ROBIN: what’s a tery
My teen is about to do some work experience set up by her 6th form college. The idea is to match students with jobs that reflect their skills/interests. My girl is deep into the arts – she loves music, art, photography, making stuff.
Her allocated job? Gravestone maintenance
No way!
How much chocolate is too much chocolate before it is technically no longer a salad?
*writing suicide letter
Goodbye cruel world. Your going to really miss me when I’m gone…
Cat: *you’re
Carrot raisin salad. When you want to eat something horrible, 3 times.
All I’m saying is that I’ve chaperoned a 25 student class field trip and you’re definitely in trouble if you lose even one of them.
Fyi dark walnut wood stain tastes nothing at all like walnuts
ANGEL: *creates alligator*
ANGEL’S BROTHER: *creates crocodile*A: *creates dolphin*
AB: *creates porpoise*A: *creates llama*
AB: *creates alpaca*A: *creates ostrich*
AB: *creates emu*A: quit copying me
AB: qUiT cOpYiNg mEA: i’m telling god
AB: i’M TeLLiNg gOd
Once upon a midnight dreary, While I pondered my next mealy, Came an empty tapping, a rapping at my pantry door. Quoth the Ramen “ever poor”
love the HBO account having a prewritten response to “god damn no one can see shit on your show it’s too dark” comments
My friend went out with a guy who works at Trader Joe’s and when she mentioned she likes the new brookie caramel candy clusters he said he didn’t want to talk about work 😅
[vacuuming]
Pick up your feet please.
Kid on sofa: No!
Ok *sucks kid into vacuum feet first*
*turns to next kid* Pick up your feet please.
[i get run over by a bus]
MEDIA: flattened idiot has troubled past, has written over 600 pages of sexualized shrek fan fiction
Shout out to people who text you and apparently throw their phone into a river as soon as they hit send?