💯😂
You Might Also Like
Kids today will never understand just how COOL it felt to be a little white girl singing all the words to “Gangsta’s Paradise”.
A guy in the parking lot saw me trip over my own feet so I yelled to him “I just quantum leaped into this body!”
Pronouncing words correctly is not my fort.
Okey dokey.
[goes to sign up for course on how to handle bad news better]
“sorry, we’re full”
[lights myself on fire]
People commenting on celebrities posting makeup-free selfies: “Empowering queen!”
Me, posting a makeup-free selfie: “Rough night? Need a hug?”
My signature move is eating a whole bag of something before realizing I don’t like it.
Twitter :
Where all the really weird kids at school who had no friends now have 7,913 of even weirder ones
If you want a relationship to work, you have to compromise. Maybe you don’t like your partner’s taste in music. Maybe they don’t like the wild raccoons that you let sleep on the bed- while they are forced to sleep on the porch. If you care about each other, you make it work.
When I was just a little girl, I asked my mother what will I be. Will I be pretty, will I be rich? Here’s what she said to me:
GO TO SLEEP.
Govt: How many dependents do you have?
Me: 7
Dependents: [dogs in baby clothes]
hey yall i’m subletting my room from 6:15pm-8:57pm tonight while im at the gym, $76 + utilities
(my first day as a transformer)
optimus prime: Transformers, roll out!
Me:*transforms into hotdog cart* CAN I GET A PUSH HERE
colleges be like oh you have one zoom lecture and two canvas assignments per week? yes that’ll be $40,000
I love that earthquakes unite strangers online like nothing else. 100,000 people posting “did anyone feel that” and 100,000 other people posting “yeah”
☺️
What’s sadder, the end of “Titanic” or my son’s face when I ask him to explain Bitcoin again?
At this stage, someone might be grateful if you TPed their house.
Sony has a site where you can watch The Interview for $5.99 and I can’t think of a single reason not to trust them with my credit card info.
i had the idea to smash a lightbulb and a bunch of broken glass appeared above my head
I’m starting a website called onlyflaps.
It’s for plane enthusiasts.
What were you thinking?
The lawn guy asks to use my bathroom. A flicker of doubt. Is it safe to have a stranger in my house? Do I put out the fancy soap?
Me: you are chewing your food too slow son
Kid: am doing it faster in my imagination
Me: try faster in real too
Kid: it tastes better in my imagination
The cheapest way to make your lips look fuller is to trip on a dog toy, land flat on your face, then sit back and enjoy the swelling.
I have three brothers but to keep dad on his toes only a couple of us got in trouble at a time.
girls love us tall guys but as soon as we use our height to “constantly slam dunk on them and their loved ones” they stop replying to texts
*hears a sound*
haha lol wat if its a ghost
*5 hours later*
wwhat if it was a ghost
i like elevator conversations because i know there’s a time limit
Sorry folks but there’s only 2 genders: human and dancer
We went on a family vacation and it was a terrible experience. It was all whining, complaining, and tantrums. And don’t get me started on what my kids did.