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wife: he uses food as a crutch
marriage counselor: is this true
me: [walks in twirling giant carrot] maybe
“I DO NOT DRINK TOO MUCH!!” I scream angrily at the neighbors garden gnome
Just finished reading a book called Practical Jokes Involving Glue. I couldn’t put it down.
people say all kinds of stupid things, my favorite is hello.
(me hosting a paranormal show): you look like you’ve seen a ghost!
Director: for the tenth time please stop saying that
The suburbs are powerful. No matter how strong you think you are, by day two you’re eating dinner at 4 and asking what the weather’s looking like tomorrow
Just as the siren’s song lures sailors to their doom on the rocks, the ding of the microwave calls the unwitting to destroy the roof of their mouth on the molten cheese of the Hot Pocket.
CONDUCTOR: all aboard!
ME: i’m pretty bored
CONDUCTOR: no, i meant everyone on the train
ME: oh, i’m sure they’re bored too
ㅤ A R G H
Pirate [▪️] [▪️] [▫️] [▫️]
Pain [▪️] [▪️] [▪️] [▪️]
Surprise [▪️] [▫️] [▫️] [▪️]
Silver [▪️] [▫️] [▪️] [▫️]
Her: I’d really love some flowers.
Him: Orchids?
Her: No, just flowers.
My wife [sexily] – “why don’t we…turn out the light?”
Me, a moth – “no”
My supervisor said I’m worth my weight in gold so I’m eating these donuts to increase my value.
If you encounter a bear DON’T RUN. Maintain eye contact. Keep maintaining it. Fall in love. Marry the bear. Tell story to your grandbearbies
Husband: My mom will be over in 30 minutes.
Me: *immediately starts cleaning the kitchen*
Husband: *immediately starts cleaning the one closet nobody goes in*
my toxic trait is saying to myself “it’s only $20” 1500 times a week
They used to wear them halfway down their asses, and now they wear the one’s meant for girls…
Will boys ever get pants right!?
While on a family road trip
My Kid: Dad, can I play on your phone now?
Me: for the last time, no, and stop asking
My Kid: How about at the next stop light?
Me: sure…
Narrator: The next stop light was 90 miles away, and 4 miles from their destination
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
I shouldn’t play with Legos? It says “Ages 7 & Up”. 30 is higher than 7.
Instead of calling me immature, you need to go take a math class.
PHARMACIST : Take this medication with food.
ME : Relax, buddy. I take everything with food.
“even if my client did kill his wife, think of the 7.4 billion people he DIDN’T kill.”
– my first and last day as a defense attorney
Olympian: Does the most amazing dive I have ever seen in my entire life.
Announcer: Oh dear.
Imagine a spider. Scary, right? Wrong. This spider is imaginary. Really makes you think
Murphy’s Law – If it can go wrong, it will go wrong. Cole’s Law – shredded cabbage in mayo
I’m dealing with my anger issues one chicken wing at a time.
“Thanks for turning me into an expression of contempt. Sorry about making delicious nourishment so damned accessible.”
-Low-hanging fruit
[making the first boat]
“How do we get across this river?”
ME: we gotta build a boat
“What’s a boat?”
ME: that’s what we gotta figure out
Driving along with my 9yo son and a commercial comes on for “underboob deodorant” and he says “daddy do you use that?” Parenting is bullshit.
Not really getting much out of this Bring Your Daughter to Work Day, to be honest. It’s almost as if my 6yo had never used PowerPoint before
If you see a guy in an executioner’s hood feeding a deer into a Coinstar today just let me do my thing.