Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Never meet your heroes. They’ll invariably disappoint you by asking a bunch of awkward questions about why you’ve been standing outside their house all night dressed as an owl.

How much would you have to pay a teacher to flunk your kid so he has to go to Summer School? Just planning ahead…

got banned from the sauna at my gym for saying “steam me up, scotty” a few too many times

remember when the fbi would threaten you at the beginning of every vhs tape, that was pretty cool

Me: I thought you were going to read.

10-year-old: I am.

Me: You’re watching a movie.

10: I got it from the library.

Checkmate.

Halloween is great because you can buy yourself six bags of family size peanut butter M&Ms and nobody asks any questions.

got my wisdom teeth removed.

surgeon just came to my house and stole my college degree, has this happened to anyone else

me at 18: im gonna move to new york and go on so many dates

me at 26: if i put my phone in a ziploc bag i can go on twitter in the shower

luke: *tips hat* waterwalker
jesus: *tips hat* skywalker

Who knew!

In a world full of Christmas fruitcakes, be a cheese ball

Not need to ever fold your fitted sheets if you spread them all onto the bed and then remove a layer every two weeks

You can’t see me anymore because of Ebola??!

Is she prettier than me?
She sounds hideous!
Well, I hope you’re happy together.

*END CALL*

He works with his crew: Woody Flores, John C. Ling, Raisa Roofe, and their boss, Bill DeHaus.

*brings a full menstrual cup to a bank robbery

Daughter keeps licking water off the shower floor, but she’s our second kid, so we let that stuff slide.

me: *ordering an orange juice*

8yo: does it have pulp?

me: I’m not sure

8yo: *heavy sigh* guess I’ll find out the hard way

if you’ve ever been worried about pitching something crazy at your job, imagine being the person who suggested taking temperatures rectally

ME: What’s the first rule of bite club?
DRACULA: Is it biting?
ME: That’s right, Dracula, it’s biting.
RATTLESNAKE: [quietly to himself] I was gonna say biting.

Someone on TikTok asked if people with office jobs just sit at our computers all day and answer emails

Obviously that’s not true

We also have meetings about the emails and then write emails about the meetings

Kids these days, I tell ya

Just ruined another 3yo’s life by failing to find a non existent toy they didn’t bring to school

Me: oh shit, our new doormat says ‘Welcome,’ do you think any vampire can just come in now?

BF: just turn it around.

I resigned after being refused a pay rise and submitted six applications for my job. Mgmt gloated how far better candidates had applied to replace me. I gloated when none of them turned up for interview. Had to buy sim cards and create emails to pull this off. Totally worth it.

Me: You’ll always be my girl.
Daughter: Even if I break stuff?
Me: Depends on which stuff.

Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?

Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.

JOURNEY:
🎶Strangers, waiting,🎶
🎶Up and down the boulevard🎶
🎶Their shadows searching in the night!🎶

ME: Now, wait just a goshdarn minute. How in the heck can you have shadows at night??

JOURNEY:
🎶Streetlights,🎶
🎶people🎶

ME: Ah. Carry on.

WAITER: the duck is organic & cruelty-free
ME: can i order a duck who endured lots of cruelty
WAITER: what why
ME: a duck killed my father

Like PAC-MAN before me, I too feel pursued by the ghosts of my past, consume mindlessly without end, and enjoy fruit.

My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.

The only thing I love more than an open mind is an open bar.