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“WHAT DO WE WANT”
“VAGUENESS AND IMPATIENCE”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT”
“SOMETIME SOON”
i just overheard this conversation from my family and i honestly give up jesus christ
sister: the bus driver earlier had sunglasses on + it’s been raining all day
dad:
sister: i wonder why. maybe he was blind?
dad: oh yeah, maybe
[they watch tv in silence]
me: ?????
For Tolkien writing was Hobbit forming.
We need a Disney princess who’s a greedy profiteer so we can cheer for the poison apple.
If You Give an Alligator a Corpse is my favorite children’s book about how one little snack leads to an exotic pet addiction and a life on the run.
[Restaurant]
Me: I know in your profile it said you were small but I didn[my date falls into her soup]
#MarriedPeopleIssues
You hang up..
No, you hang up…
You hang up….
Noooo, you hang up. They’re your clothes. I’m not your maid.
Zombies never bite hipsters.
They taste fine.
We just don’t want to spend eternity hearing them say they became undead before it was cool.
A truck with truck nuts, but all the way around, like a sombrero.
I could never be a therapist because I can’t hear a single piece of gossip without asking for a picture of the person
Phone: your storage is full.
“looks at my 8,726 identical photos of last 100 years”
Me: no, I need all of these
I was out with my bf and a waiter called me a ‘cradle robber’ cuz he’s 18 and I’m 43.
Totally ruined our 10th anniversary.
I woke up this morning and my hair looked like a Beatles lyric.
Here, there, and everywhere.
A sweater so itchy it feels like it was made from scratch.
Meanwhile in Paris.. 🙏
My 10YO was trying to play her recorder louder than my 6YO was screeching at her to stop playing the recorder.
My 8YO: So, mom, who would you say is your favorite kid?
I don’t know why Apple is charging me 7.99 , 3.99 and 10.99 and I will never know. frankly that is none of my business
After my ex and I broke up, I was in a really bad place (Florida)
ME: so this is what it sounds like when doves cry
SUBWAY GUY: all I said was we were out of meatballs
People in the UK eat more bananas than monkeys.
In 2014 they ate 73,432,384 bananas and only 6 monkeys.
Is 5 years too long of a time to reconnect with an old friend to let them know you got home okay?
If I could give parents one advice it would be to never tell your kids about your good hiding spot. Take that to the grave.
Him: I like you a lot.
Her: Meh.Him: I’ve found someone else.
Her: I’m bat shit crazy restraining order status in love with you now
*Stands in wood & sets self on fire*
“OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING?”
I want to look hot on tinder.
Passengers always complaint about airport prices, but where else can you get a burger for only £5?
a baby cow is called a calf bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no further questions.
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“Was I speeding?”
“No. Because you have a pony tail.”
“I don’t understand.”
“Sir, you’re over 40.”
I’m so proud of two weeks ago me for anticipating I would want a ripe avocado today
Husband: *noticing my front clasp bra* Nice, did you buy that for me?
Me: *thinking how my shoulder no longer lets me reach my hand behind my back* Yeah, babe. You like it?