Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s never Hey Josh, you look great in orange; it’s always Hey Josh, I’m Daryl your court appointed attorney

Just felt compelled to apologize again for my joke last year about Don Henley having a pet chicken named Hen Donley.

According to the Internet:

Xbox One
– $500.
– Weaker hardware.
– Mandatory daily check-in.
– Requires Kinect.
– DRM.

PS4
– Cures cancer.

Asked my wife if I was going to get a “tip” for driving her around today.

She laughed and laughed.

Apparently so hard, she got a headache.

[Lying on the grass, staring at the full moon]

Her: You looked different in your profile picture.

Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar

They say to do something that scares you everyday so I hosted an outdoor birthday party with 12 kids under the age of 8 while wearing a white t-shirt.

My bra randomly unhooked itself. Even it’s done with all this.

Shout out to all the dormant volcanoes out there, just chillin’, keepin’ that magma to themselves and whatnot.

(first week into weight watchers)

You think I can get an advance on next week’s calories?

My dryer is celebrating lint.

My friend got fired from her job just for eating chips. I hope she can find another job in the casino industry.

I like to put a banana in each pocket just to confuse people.

[reading death threat]

*shrugs* Anyone with spelling this bad would definitely botch a murder.

Professor X: what’s your superpower?

Me: forgetting everyone‘s name immediately after we met

Professor whatshisname: get out

Genie: you still have 2 wishes left. you sure you don’t want to use them?

Me: [eating cheesecake] nope I’m good

Genie: alright then [disappears]

Me: [finishes cheesecake] oh no

*Interrupts your meltdown*

Where do you keep the good snacks!?

Not saying I deserve a gold medal in parenting, but it’s 4:47 PM and my 4yo just yelled “FINE THEN, I’M GOING TO BED!” So you be the judge.

One of my new rescue dogs is really into laying on the couch and watching FRIENDS.

I think he’s my soulmate.

I know there is something wrong with my car the old fashioned way. I smell it or hear it.

Vacation is a time when every part of you can relax except your bowels.

If you can’t pay off your reverse mortgage, does your house have to give you to the bank?

When all the grocery stores are out of food, those fish holding Tinder dudes will look pretty damn good.

My husband pissed me off so I wrapped his remote and put it under the tree.

I got a car wash 5 days ago and it hasn’t rained yet. Who broke the weather?

[person having normal conversation with me]

Brain: that reminds me of a song, you should sing as a response

Get better soon! (I know you’re not sick, I just think you can do better)

Wife: OMG, stop saying that. You’re embarrassing me. You’re a waiter at a BBQ restaurant.

Me: I’ll thank you to refer to me as a porking attendant.