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I just hope the government doesn’t have my Angry Birds scores. All in all they’re pretty embarassing.
my cat is wearing a cone & has learned to scoop up his food and let it slide into his mouth and it’s giving me serious ideas, folks
Innocent until proven guilty? Well, guess I won’t show up to court
me texting friend: ooh what happened?!
friend: *sends elaborate voice note *
me to myself: guess I’ll never know
Oh to be a whale and just have my food periodically float into my mouth
The Katy Perry song that goes, “You’re hot and you’re cold,” was actually about a microwaveable burrito.
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
[pokes your baby with a stick]
what’s it do?
waiter: i’m sorry sir, but your card has been declined
me: run it again
waiter: i ran it three times
me: *to my date* omg this is so embarrassing. do you mind taking care of it?
her: no problem! *grabs waiter by the collar and pulls him close* he said run it again
My favorite position in bed is getting off it for pizza
[5 year old tugs on pant leg]
Daddy if time stops at the speed of light then photons aren’t actually moving, so is everything we see a lie?
here’s a life hack for you dieters out there. if you bury food in the ground and then dig it up, that food is a vegetable now.
Which demographic buys the most barbies?
Australian fathers
Dear resealable chocolate bag, your confidence in my self-control was truly inspiring. And you were delicious.
[plot twist] ur buried vertically
40yo introduced himself at a gathering as a painter and watched an art bro wax poetic to him about creating & the need to live in the city to feed off the energy for art before he asked whether the 40yo did abstract or realism & the confused 40yo clarified he paints apartments
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
When bagging my groceries make sure to keep the radioactive bananas away from the mercury laden tuna.
That’s too much death in one bag.
The opening notes of “Yeah” by Usher sound like a straw going in and out of a McDonald’s soft drink cup
What do you call a snake that is exactly 3.14 meters long?
A πthon
Protip: If your wife says don’t put your oversized grilling spatula and tongs in the dishwasher, just hand wash them, she means right then.
[At Doctor]
Me:I’m having chest pain
Doc:Did you buy a new bra?
Me:Yes! Thanks for noticing!
Doc:I meant it could be causing the pain
Me:Oh
My mom once asked if Jack Frost was based on a true story. Jack Frost is a movie where a father dies and returns as a snowman.
I love the Olympics, but missing Dateline due to the Olympics sucks. One of these athletes better end up being a serial killer or something.
The UPS guy never wants to wrestle so I’m thinking about trying FedEx.
ME: i miss my friends, today i will text them
MY BRAIN: it might be weird because you haven’t texted in so long
ME: you are right, i will wait a little longer to text them
Nothing like waking up on a Friday and finding out it’s Tuesday
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
“Can you validate my parking?”
“You parked beautifully. Your dad would be proud.”
*wipes away tears* “Thanks.”
I got a 20% pay rise this year. Not from my employer; they couldn’t afford to give pay rises after the big bosses got their bonuses. I just stopped doing any work on the one day a week I work from home.