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When I get old, I’m going to buy a monster costume to terrorize people for own personal gain, like a Scooby-Doo villain.
I hope no one murders you..but if they do, I hope it’s quick and interesting enough to get you on Dateline.
Was dating this chick whose cat used to poop in her tub all the time. I only did it once and she broke up with me. WTF?
Anything can serve briefly as a boat. The key word is *briefly*
Yesterday was International Day of Happiness. If you find yourself feeling happy today by mistake, don’t panic. Just focus on the news until the feeling passes.
It’s World Breastfeeding Week and, honestly, babies need to eat more often than that.
Ninja turtles from Italy have names like Dave or Randy
I know everything is expensive right now, but just remember correcting people’s grammar online is still free.
One day my GPS is gonna say, “You should know this one by now” and shut off.
Saw a Fed Ex driver screaming out the window of his truck “we da real Santa Claus.” New York is the best.
Just Jedi mind tricked my BF into buying me a new phone. Well not really, I had to moan during sex and promised to be nice to his mom.
Truthfully officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over, if I known all you were gonna do is complain about my driving..
Many years ago I took a Cosmo quiz to discover the best names for my future kids. Seamen and Boomquifa have yet to appreciate my efforts.
Me, excited: Are we gonna go in the Mosh Pet!
-You mean the mosh PIT, right?
Me, sad: *Furtively puts my dog grooming kit away*
You can make anything sound British if you add the word “force” after the first word.
Eg:
Guitar force
Tea time force
Biscuit force
Football force
I’m at my sexiest when I try to run in flip flops in the rain.
I’m exceptionally skilled at accomplishing absolutely nothing while screwing something up, therefore accomplishing less than zilch.
Best mom ever 😂
I didn’t really mind the voices in my head until one of them started their own podcast
Sorry I called you an imbecile.
I should’ve realized I would have to explain to you what that means.
[sees a woman eating pizza on the hiking trail]
Me: hi I think we were separated at birth
Satan: welcome to hell, the WiFi password is-
Me: wait you have WiFi?
Satan: of course.
Me: well that’s not so bad.
Satan: as I was saying the WiFi password is Pi.
Me: You should have been more specific
Wife: When I said fill my car up, obviously I meant fuel
Me: ok that does make more sense
Hello? This is your downstairs neighbor. I really hate to be a bother, but I am in bed trying to sleep. Could you please turn the stereo down?
It’s in the living room. You’ll find my door unlocked. Thank you.
*cracks neck*
*grabs bat*
*finishes juice box*
Ok. I’m in.
“Owen, you must hide this baby from Anakin Skywalker at all costs.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“That’s cool.”
If you breed Catdog with a catfish, you have a 25% chance of getting a pure cat.
Hot singles in your area!
They don’t want to talk to you. But they’re there.
My kid found a Disney movie marathon on tv and I found Captain Morgan in the freezer. Life is about balance.
