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What to make for dinner: the chicken with the green things they hate, the chicken with the sauce they hate, or the plain chicken they hate?
My five-year plan? Well, I’d like to learn how to shuffle together a sandwich like you see in cartoons.
Fetch me my Twitter, Kenth. Time to see how many of my tweets went virus. Ah yes, here it is, none. That’ll be all Kenth. Same time tomorrow
[flirting at Taco Bell]
Trouble opening that sauce packet? Let me help.
[seconds later]
Let me help you get that sauce out of your hair.
“Not all guys wearing Flannel shirts are Lumberjacks.” *hits tree with axe* ” Take me for example. I just hate trees.”
Well it’s now clear to me that this crime scene would be considered, what? Pants required? Pants preferred?
Hey, is that guy dead?
Am I joking? Yes. Absolutely.
Do I also mean it? Yes. Absolutely.
“The Perfect Relationship”
At first I thought my daughter was sick because she was sluggish and laid on the couch on her phone all day, but then I realized those were just symptoms of day 4 of Christmas break.
*goes on strict diet for a month, steps on scale*
i lost 4 lbs, nice
*goes off diet for one day, steps on scale*
the punishment does not fit the crime
Iceland has a population smaller than Tampa yet we let them sit there at the UN all smug. Always bragging about how they have cured their society of like IBS and it turns out the one guy who had it just moved away.
God never gives you more than you can handle. But I’m not God. I’m just a bag boy. And you’ll wanna take these groceries out in the cart.
I bought the off-brand toilet cleaner. I don鈥檛 think my toilets can taste the difference.
4: okay, I will be Mario and you will be the goomba–
Husband: NO, no, you’re not jumping on my head.
4: *sigh* kay…
*putting a top hat on my dog*
Dog: *thinking* Like I don鈥檛 already have enough reasons to kill you in your sleep.
“Lloyd, could you keep your eyes on the road, please?” Oh. Yea. Good thinkin’. Can’t be too careful. A lot of bad drivers out there.
I did not ask for this, the TikTok algo is giving me overweight people whose spouses cheated on them with their apparently thinner siblings, followed by weight loss and reconciliation with their terrible spouses? I just want step-dancing videos ffs!
Could sum up all Indiana Jones movies with ‘finding old stuff violently.’
The darkness in me is making me sneeze.
Me: There鈥檚 nothing like a warm bowl of tomato soup
Trick or treaters: You know we鈥檙e gonna egg your house, right?
ROOMMATE: While I’m away, can you get some mice to feed my pet snake?
ME: Sure[later]
ME [to mice] Come on fellas, pls just cook something
How do German people not choke to death when they talk
Being a dog must be wild, everyone you meet is your masseuse
Real friends don’t put their babies on the phone to talk to you
A horror movie where the girl in the woods actually outruns the mutated chainsaw murderer, then it shows him sadly limping back to his car.
Thanks for nothing autocorrect, I’m never gonna get chicks being a “homeless romantic”.
Me: “Dear God…just leave me here. Bury me right here, or charter a crane to lift me home. I can’t move. My pants. Sweet Angel of Merciful Death, I am ready.”
*Pies are brought to the table.*
Me: “We have Cool Whip or something to go with this orrr…?”
*plot twist*
plot: ouch!!!
Actually, Sleeping Beauty is the name of the movie. You mean your favorite Disney princess is Aurora. Though I鈥檓 not sure how she can be your favorite if you don鈥檛 even know her name.
Woman at Starbucks ahead of me: Please stop correcting my daughter. She鈥檚 5.