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(On phone) Him: I just ran a marathon in under four? Me: (eating) months or years?
ME: So. You from around here?
HER: Yes. You’re in my bedroom closet.
That awkward moment you have long eye contact with someone who’s really attractive, only cause it’s too hard to walk away from the mirror.
Bartenders should put a pink straw into every woman’s 4th drink, as a signal to all the men in the bar, that she’s ready.
I was so proud when the AC repair guy came and the AC continued to not function in front of him.
Me: I twisted a muscle in my leg.
Physio: Running?
Me: Sleeping.
god bless the 1st weatherman to dress as danny zuko & plead with sandy
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
teacher: where is your assignment?
me: my dog ate it-
[i see my dog standing outside the classroom window. he draws a line across his throat]
me: i mean there was a fire. a homework fire.
If I had a pet unicorn, I’d probably just use it to carry my donuts around.
The enemy of my enemy is my friend unless they don’t dance and if they don’t dance well they’re no friend of mine.
If my neighbor doesn’t want to hear my enthusiastic singing, why is she blasting Celine Dion at 2AM
In a parallel universe, there’s a grandma hiding in a wolf’s den, dressed up as a wolf waiting for its cub to return so she can eat it
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
Fairy godmother: Remember, at midnight the spell will be broken.
Me in my 30’s: Oh no worries. I’ll be done and at home in my pajamas by 8pm.
FGM: Oh no, my dear, you have until midni—
Me: 8PM.
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
I would like to give a big shout out to the one person in my life who doesn’t accuse me of being insane. So, thank you, to the little old lady who lives in my hair.
Teacher: Your son said the s word in class today.
Me: Seriously?
Teacher: No. Shit. He said shit.
You eventually reach the age when bar hopping turns into let’s stay here because it’s not that noisy and the bathroom is clean.
When you have kids, finding a marker lid in your house is like finding a pin without the grenade attached.
I’m only human — unless I have to figure out a captcha, then I am unable to prove that I am a human.
hi yes i’d like a vodka salad please
“you mean a bloody mary”
yeah yeah whatever just hurry it up
My plans for world domination will have to be put on hold while I try to open this package of batteries.
Sorry I mostly speculated about my missing stapler in your leaving card.
Whoever said “out of sight, out of mind” never had a spider disappear inside their tent.
ME: Dave’s coming over for tea
WIFE: Dave from work or Dave I’m having a secret affair with?
DAVE: *from inside wardrobe* I don’t eat peas
Delicious if literal: Gravy boat.
Thanks to Fitbit, all my anxious pacing can be passed off as exercise.