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[neighborhood meeting]
Me: This is an outrage!
Neighbor: Exactly! The city’s plan to–
Me: Nothing but powdered creamer for the coffee? I’m out of here.
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food to them
How are birds so simultaneously beautiful and annoying as heck?!
I aspire to be birds
Whenever I’m in doubt, I ask myself “What would Jesus do?” then I remember Jesus got crucified, his decision making skills weren’t brilliant
waiter: do you have any questions about the menu
me: yes what’s the name of this font used for the meats
Aquaman is part fish, if you want to kill him just overfeed him.
How many followers do I need more before I start tweeting quotes from Shakespeare and Mark Twain as my own?
I have strict instructions to my husband that upon my death he has to put that “in memory of my beautiful wife” sticker on the back of his car or I’ll haunt him forever.
But who am I kidding? I’m going to haunt him regardless.
I tend to be very Snow White-ish with animals, but today a squirrel threw a nut at my head
Win some, lose some
I need a chiropractor for my brain.
Dear Ad Agencies,
Please stop using doorbells in your TV commercials.
On behalf of dog owners everywhere,
Thanks!
“Son, hey son”
Yeah dad?
“Know why we named you Adopted?”
*Sighs* Because I’m adop-
“BECAUSE YOU’RE ADOPTED”
Good one dad
“I’m not your dad”
Don’t hate me cause I’m beautiful, hate me cause I stole your lunch out of the office fridge
I’m not scared of clowns, I’m scared of the man who chooses to become one.
My house is cleaner than it’s ever been and given that no one is allowed to come over to see it you’ll just have to take my word for it
My stepmother asking me exactly how many chicken nuggets to make for my kids like lady it could be 15 or 0 do I look like some kind of psychic
[varnishing an old rocker]
keith richards: what the hell man
Mix it up a little. Start answering calls from unrecognized phone numbers with an angry “If this is about the marmot again, I swear to God someone’s going to pay!”
millennials had years of computer classes where it was drilled into us “THE INTERNET IS FOREVER” and “DON’T OPEN SPAM EMAILS” and “CITE YOUR SOURCES” and then boomers were given internet access like tossing keys to a drunk and telling them to have fun.
Welcome to 40…your eyes are now like a camera someone doesn’t know how to focus.
My tinder profile says I’m looking for an
I think we should hear other voices.
From the speed at which it’s spread I’m wondering if wordle is a symptom of omicron.
Wife: I need you to do some things around the house this weekend
Me: I’m way ahead of you
Wife: no, like helpful things
Me: ah
Someone left an honest-to-goodness Yellow Pages phonebook on my front porch today. I immediately notified the Smithsonian. kids, ask your parents what a phonebook is.
A required corporate training course said to build strong relationships.
Also, HR told me it’s “inappropriate” to kiss strangers.
I was close to catching up on all the laundry and then my washing machine broke so the lesson here is to never try to catch up on laundry or the universe will punish you for it.
*drops off box to Salvation Army*
“Sir, why is this box marked W I F E?”
*peels out*
ME: Hi, I’ve got my hearing test today
LAWYER: I keep telling you it’s not a test
[jail]
ME: I want my phone call
COP: Ok. Make it count
ME: [dials payphone]
[cop’s mobile rings]
COP: Hello?
ME: Please let me go