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i see ur bf carved his favorite sports team’s logo into his pumpkin instead of u. nice to see where his priorities lie. lmk if u wanna talk about it. i’d be upset
me: let me tell you about the fast and the furious movies
him: no spoilers
me: i assure you there are a ton
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
when i was 17 my car started to spin out on the freeway during a blizzard and the only thing that snapped me out of my terror enough to be able to regain control was the chilling revelation that I didn’t want 2 Phones by Kevin Gates to be the soundtrack to my death
this will hang in the louvre one day
“Its swimsuit season” I whisper, eating another swimsuit
Me: You a good personal trainer?
Him: You bet your emotionally distant dad I am.
Me: [through tears] Wow, that’s personal. You’re hired.
I’m completely over my ex, is the name of my poem to her
I bet the first mohawk was created by a guy trying to even out his sideburns.
Realizing that someone else will be in charge of this shitshow is really a selling point for demon possession
Gonna bring a notepad and a fancy pen to my next therapy session cause yessiree two can play that game.
You don’t want grapes on your cookie? What if I told you the grapes were crazy old?
I’ve often wondered whether baby deer are left or right handed. Turns out they’re bambidextrous.
Seize the day! Kidnap the evening! Murder the night! Assault the afternoon!
*makes 9 yr old son memorise my phone number in case he gets lost
[He gets lost]
*I don’t answer my phone as I don’t recognise the number
What’s going on under there? Nobody has to know but you. – Poncho salesman
When it comes to sex, I really need to have a connection.
Otherwise the page just keeps buffering and it takes FOREVER to load.
This is a environmentally responsible account. I reuse all the letters from deleted tweets.
Had a breakthrough with my therapist yesterday.
Never seen a man cry like that before.
last night I told my four year old I loved her and she said “I love you so much that if someone chopped your head off I’d carry it around forever in a bag”
[At supermarket]
“Excuse me do you work here?”
WHAT? ME? Work HERE? Hell no. I went to college. I don’t have a job
me: it smells like updog in here
me: what’s updog
me: not much dog what’s up with you lmao
me: lol
therapist: I see
Hot neighbor (limping): I slipped and fell on my bedroom floor this morning
Me: Haha, I saw that
Her: What?
Me: What?
4- I make a lot of noises when I poop
Me- that’s okay buddy we all do
4- I know mom, sometimes I can hear you and dad in your room at night
[hijacking a hot-air balloon] i have scissors
Air conditioning – not a fan
Of course I’m more of a yeeeeeee-haaaaaw! than a wooooohoooo! kinda guy because Texan and whatnot.
[home depot]
ME: do you have marble counters?
CLERK: sure, in the back of aisle 9
ME: oh thank god [carrying 2 huge buckets of marbles] I keep losing count around 1,000
there were like 2 years when american internet culture was obsessed with bacon and at the time we thought that was as bad as it could get
God: you’re a capybara.
Capybara: yay!
God: you’re the largest rodent.
Capybara: double yay!
God: also you live in South America.
Capybara: so cool!
God: wow you’re in a great mood!
Capybara: just living my personal motto!
God: which is?
Capybara: don’t worry be Capy : )