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Replying to peoples selfies with the phone number to a dermatologist is not OK.
I’ll stop now.
one of my classmates said he’s going into consulting because he likes giving people his opinion but he doesn’t like doing anything lol
What idiot called it a paternity test and not a pop quiz?
“Son you’re just not cut out to be a mime.”
“Is it something I said?”
“Yes.”
*yells from space*
Did you kill that spider?!
Please put away that scary photo, Tina.
That’s my X-ray.
I’m not sure what’s worse: the fact you dated a skeleton or that its name was Ray.
Nobody:
Every dad at the zoo: look I found your real family
My boss got bit by a snake so I bandaged his wound so tight just to make sure the venom won’t drain out.
Son: Dont be a square. Everything is groovy.
Me: What are you doing?
Son: Like totally speaking your language, fer sure!
Me:
Son: Hello fellow olds!
Good news: I’m finally able to button my super skinny jeans.
Bad news: I’m not wearing them.
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
They should make a movie where Hannibal becomes giant and is eating everyone. Then he watches the Ring tape on a giant screen and Sadako comes out and is huge and they fight
Apparently, when you supply HR with a urine sample, it has to be because they requested it.
A great first step 😂
I like to sleep naked. I don’t understand why airlines have a problem with this.
Very problematic
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women & they want us to make the first move. 😏
Guy who invented the piano: 200 hundred years from now it may need tuning but it will be sturdy. So sturdy.
His friend, who invented piano benches: the legs are designed for maximum wobble
Ladies, if he:
– is hairy
– has trouble communicating
– is 1′ 4″
– wears a deerstalker hat
– solves mysteriesHe’s not your man. He’s Detective Pikachu.
Cat Negotiator: Ok, so we’ll shit in a box in your house and you will clean it up
Humans: And you will be a loyal friend
Cat: hahahaha sure
Nurse: “It says here you’re lacoste intolerant? Is that a typo?”
Me: “No. I just really, really can’t stand polos with crocodiles on them.”
nobody: …
my dog: yay !! look dad, I’ve found the dried chicken foot I hid in the bedroom.
No, Store Security Guy, I’m not stealing anything
I just don’t know how to be in public anymore
kidnapper: if u don’t eat this salad we’ll kill ur friend
me:
kidnapper:
me: which friend
And you may find yourself
behind the wheel
of a large cockerel mobile
Unpopular opinion: I don’t like that country song about that road.
lol
WHY IS USHER ALWAYS SAYING HIS NAME IN HIS SONGS, IS HE A POKEMON?
Best spot.. 😅
Long story short don’t use sewing scissors to trim your nose hair if you’re drunk
Went Trick-or-Treating last night and all I got was yelled at.