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If you pass the drug test at dominos they fire you
All women really want is to be treated like you treat your iPhone.
6: I want to pick something out for your birthday next week
Me: ok, think about the things I like and enjoy doing and then we’ll go get it
6: you’re getting a chainsaw. And maybe a sword.
Me:… sweet
Having a lot of conversations where I sigh heavily and say “Yeah I just don’t think enough people are prepared for the possibility that this may never really end” except no one knows I’m talking about the chicken sandwich wars
9: Why are you hitting that spider?
wife: I don’t like spiders
me: Ooooh *grabs newspaper*
mother-in-law [leaving] I don’t have to take this
Me: *points at romantic relationships*
God: *slaps my hand* NO
Fecking hate sellotape should go sit in the wrong corner with everything else I hate ….
I wish I loved anything as much as people love to say they are “thrilled” on Linkedin. Dial it back people, no one in the history of the workforce has ever been thrilled about anything.
Just recorded my boss yelling at someone on the phone.
Guess who has a new ringtone.
A couple is asleep when their doorbell rings at 3am.
The wife shakes the husband and says “Honey, there’s someone at the door.”
The husband, irritated gets up and opens the door to an obviously drunk man.
“Can I help you?”
“Could you give me a push?” asks the drunk man.…
Some days you’re on top of the world…other days you accidentally shoplift a pair of thong panties that became attached to your purse and you’re just struttin around mid crime spree none the wiser
[standing in bushes with binoculars watching neighbor who is also in bushes watching me though binoculars]
finally old enough to understand that “fake it till you make it” and “practice makes perfect” are the same advice
That’s not fat. It’s bonus content.
It’s wild that your car has balloons but you only get to play with them if something bad happens
[getting a checkup]
DOCTOR: On average, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: *sweating* NO ONE SAID THERE WOULD BE ANY MATH
shout out to my student loans for being the only one from college keeping in touch
Yes little lemonade stand girl, I do want change from that twenty dollar bill.
Told my wife “I’m not mad, I’m disappointed” and now she’s not mad, she’s furious.
One of my coworkers just took every friday off from now until february. so lets all collectively hate her please.
Table for one, please.
Ma’am, your family is right behind you.
Autocorrect changed car battery to car buttery and it slipped out of my fingers and caused an accident on I-25.
I’m not drunk, I was driving erratically because I had to rescue the cheese that was melting off my Egg McMuffin
Signed up for the gym because I heard about leg day and hoped I’d pick up a new leg. But all that happened was that it made my remaining leg ache for two days.
I wish my seven-year-old daughter would stop using air quotes whenever she calls me “Dad.”
instead of texting “on my way” I’m just going to start sending these
I’ve got 11 lava lamps and every time a girl comes back to my place, she leaves almost immediately. I need more. 14 lava lamps.
I’m not that toxic
*glows in the dark*
Ladies, if he’s
– always giving you one-word responses
– unsupportive when you’re visibly upset
– coming over unannounced in the middle of the night
– faintly tapping at your chamber doorHe’s not your man. He’s the Raven, nothing more.
Men come and go, cities rise and fall, whole civilizations appear and disappear but the one thing that remains steadfast is my teens unfailing attitude