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pirate: shiver me timbers
me: *crochets a tiny sweater for his peg leg*
When you go to the zoo, one person in your party is required to wear a safari hat. It doesn’t have to be you, but if you’re lucky, it will be.
*working in pediatric ER*
me: hi my name is Josh and I’m going to be your doctor today!
kid: what is that *points to badge*
me: this is my hospital ID badge! I was having a very bad hair day that day haha
kid: it looks the same today
me:
she wears short skirts, I’m googling the symptoms of gout. she’s cheer captain, and I have gout
Be nice to your children’s teachers. Especially elementary ones, cuz kids have loose lips and that teacher has all the dirt on you.
Took my 6 y/o daughter to a college football game and my dream of turning her into a fan quickly faded when she asked to go home in the first quarter because “we just watched this game on TV last week.”
[emergency]
[super hero appears]
GUY: It’s Doesn’t-Understand-Rhetorical-Questions Man. Boy, am I glad to see you!
HERO: I…I don’t know
If you scorn a Canadian, they will carefully craft a voodoo doll of your likeness, and then dress it in mixed prints, or give it bangs when it has no business having them.
Her: How do you do it w/ 4 kids?
Hubs: With the door locked.
Me: She means how do we manage…but yeah.
Why is fruit so expensive?
I want some raspberries, not the tears of Jesus.
Beauty and the Beast (1991): A woman develops Stockholm Syndrome, emotionally bonding with her captor at castle furnished with singing decor
*At the checkout
Cashier: How many croissants?
M: Four
*Cashier eyes up the crumbs on my face.
M: Um six
Bring a toddler to your next robbery. Their smudgy fingerprints everywhere will make the forensics team cry.
I mean, I’m smart, but I’m no Alfred Einstein.
LOL
ME: today will be a good day
PINKY TOE SOCK SEAM: lol
A doorbell rings. I immediately look up, shocked, as I don’t have one installed. It chimes again. I shiver. The sound vibrates in my soul. I lay aside my book, the text forgotten, and go inexorably to answer the summons. There’s a man there. He speaks,
“Hello. I sell doorbells.”
Gollum had a pretty sweet setup for a while. Cave where no one bothers him. Cool item to look at in his cave
My 4yo just started playing rock, paper, scissors with himself. The good news is he won.
Noam Chomsky is a crazy name like you sound hungry as f***
Get out, RUN! That DM was coming from INSIDE THE HOUSE
[undercover FBI agent steps out of his surveillance van, knocks on my front door] do you ever stop eating?
cop: you were driving 30 mph under the speed limit
me: my in-laws are staying with us for a while, longer the commute the better
cop: you need to maintain the speed limit
me: *knocks book out of cops hands*
cop: are you trying to get arrested
me: yes please
just pretend nothing happened
My daughter telling me not to worry because she got her own allowance from my purse did not have the effect she intended
WIFE: Will he ever wake up?
DOCTOR: Only a shocking truth will do it
W: i sold his pet hamster
ME *eyes fly open* WHERE HAS THEODORE GONE
Head Chef: You’re fired.
Me: Is it because when I grate cheese-
Head Chef: Yes it’s because you call it shreddie cheddie.
It’s so magical how much rizz I got they call me the rizzard 🪄
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
My college career succinctly summed up in a meme.
