You Might Also Like
I always carry a condom.
I never know when things are going to get hot & heavy & I’ll have to throw a sturdy water balloon at someone.
She died as she lived—shouting expletives at a box of cling wrap.
day 1 of quarantine: Today I will write the great American novel
day 32 of quarantine: Today I will marry my parakeet to my other parakeet
fireworks, because firehasbillstopay
Unless you’re a female bat and you gave birth hanging upside down, I’m not interested in hearing about how your baby was born.
How much for the mirror?
Ma’am that’s the cover of Vogue
*puts one hand on hip, sips tea, stares out of the window at the rain*
“This is just ridiculous”
For sale: baby shoes. Never worn. Nothing sinister! Wrong size. Should’ve measured. First baby. Very excited!!
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
Who called it intermittent fasting and not snackrificing
If I could time-travel, forget killing baby Hitler. I’d go back to use every come back I ever thought of 10 minutes too late.
Him: I love you so much I want to shout it from the mountaintop
Me: *knows about mountains* Literally no one will hear you up there
I threw up in a porta potty at a Winger concert back in 88′ …. We did not have the internet back then so I’m telling you now.
my bf is so against gender roles that he won’t let me do his laundry. like, he even writes not to do it on the tags. 🙄😅 so babe, if you’re reading this, I know you said Do Not Machine Wash, Dry Clean Only, but I wanted to surprise you! your suit is in the dryer as we speak 🥰💕
[murderer hunting me in the forest]
me: *quietly opens velcro wallet*
colleges be like oh you have one zoom lecture and two canvas assignments per week? yes that’ll be $40,000
You girls are so cute, talking about crumbs in your bra. I found a missing hiker in mine.
Might fornicate around and use a thesaurus
If you see a girl crying, a nice thing to do is show your compassionate side and ask if it’s because of her haircut.
Thanks for the swallow!
-bird collectors (you perv!!!)
If you want a nice quiet lunch, try a Shhhushi Bar.
that’s exactly what a haunted chair WOULD say
Always leave the shower curtains open.
*things I learned from horrors
File under excellent bookstore names.
ALADDIN: i can show you the world
JASMINE: wat why. do u kno that there are people out there. why do u think we live ina palace. no thank u
the FOLD cycle on my clothes dryer isn’t working
My tattoos aren’t braille, so do not sneak up to me & begin to feel them.
Unless you’re hot, then you get the secret taste option.
Some are mad Trump won.
Others are mad that the anti-Trumps are mad.
I’m mad that you open up a new bag of chips and it’s only 1/3 full.
doctor’s receptionists when you ask them to book you an appointment which is literally their job