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So as far as I can tell, the Metaverse is just Animal Crossing but you’re being hunted by Mark Zuckerberg.
Me: I’ve got mismatched socks do you think that’s ok
Wife: I don’t think anyone’s gonna notice
Me: I’m gonna tell em
I just swallowed a Norton Anti-virus CD. I’m good now.
YOU CAN ORDER AN AIR HORN ON AMAZON AND BRING THE FIGHT DIRECTLY TO THE GEESE.
Before I got a phone I used to just stare at my right hand all day
Sorry, I can’t be the bigger person. I’m the size of the average 4th grader.
I WISH MY PETS WOULD STOP ACCIDENTALLY INJURING ME WITH THEIR KNIFE HANDS
Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you’ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief
So I’m in Italy… went into a supermarket, I bought and drank almost half of this bottle thinking its water only for the cashier to tell me that I shouldn’t drink so much because it’s a laxative 🥲
I had a dream I was making out with someone with really bad breath.
Judging by the look on my dog’s face, I’d say we had the same dream.
“I’m so glad I stopped killing spiders after re-reading Charlottes Web”, I say out loud to my delicious bacon
*runs Baywatch style through Wendy’s drive-thru*
me: dogs have 4 legs
her:
me: so do tables
her: ok
me: so dogs are tables
her: no
me: *sets my cup on a dog* let me explain it for u again Jen
I don’t think some women realize just how handsome my mom says I am.
If there is a zombie apocalypse I hope that they are thriller zombies because they’re fabulous dancers
Pack a bag, we’re going on a tangent.
My dog is always using my legs as a pillow, but the one time I lay down on him he acts like I should get out of his kennel.
[The inventor of the hot air balloon]
You know what we need under this hot blazing fire, a wicker basket
director: it’s a really cute movie about a deer and his mother
disney: sounds great, let’s add murder
Hey guys who are angry that women are taking a stand against cat-calling, stop with all that scowling, you look so pretty when you smile!
Nothing prepares you for how difficult it is to obtain a loan for a giraffe
*gets first nose bleed since childhood*
Apparently our periods have synced, can I have some Midol and a tampon?
“About this postcard ‘Having a wonderful time wish you were here.’ Why didn’t you want me to come with you in the first place?”
“Then I would have had to reword it.”
My 6yo said “I’m still hungry” and I couldn’t resist responding with “I’m still daddy”
Sometimes you have to stop tweeting to have an alibi for ignoring texts.
him: I wish you’d talk more during sex.
me: Okay.[during sex]
me: cats have 32 muscles in each ear
him: please don’t speak
[both me and the child chasing me with a knife slow to a walk as we go by the pool]
I got carded at the liquor store. While getting my ID out my Blockbuster card fell out. He laughed and said “Never mind.”
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: No idea. I pretty much just zone out whenever I’m behind the wheel. Did anyone die?
People who think Americans won’t take trains if they are a couple of hours slower than planes need to meet the Midwesterners who are like “why bother flying it’s only a ten hour drive”