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me, standing over a dead body with a scalpel: this is fun isn’t it?
coworker: um. this just isn’t what I had in mind when you asked me to open mike night
I hate it when people humble brag about where they went to college. I have this friend who went to Harvard and she just won’t shut up about it. She’s always been like that, even when we were in college together.
Remember in 90’s movies when the hot girl would enter a party in slow motion? That’s what happens when I walk in a buffet.
Them: I’m not getting that vaccine! I don’t know what’s in it.
Me: Have you ever eaten a hot dog?
If my wife takes any longer to get ready to go out, she’ll need to go and shave her legs again!!
I stuck a “Baby On Board” sign on my minivan to warn the other drivers how fussy and tantrum-y I get when traffic’s bad or I miss my nap.
[terrorist meeting]
“Let’s hit Americans where they gather to shop”
But how will we find these Targets?
“Guys you’re not gonna believe this”
Who called them nuclear submarines and not fission ships?
Skipping is exercise…that’s why I’m always skipping the gym.
my mom refers to crying as “squirting” and I, oh my god…..can you tell her
the closest I’ve ever come to a threesome was when I was mowing the lawn and I got hit in the face by two dragonflies having sex in mid air
A surprise Hunger Games competition for everyone who makes eye contact with me today in the office.
when you let your kid brother name your custom player
Trainer: OK this week we are cutting carbs.
Me: Wait, what – even macaroni & cheese?
Trainer: Ya.
Me: …I think we should see other people.
it was very chilly during our walk today. when i tried to hop in a puddle. i slid across it instead. i am not a penguin. i would like a refund
The lazy river is my favorite ride at this amusement park. “Ahhhhh!” I scream as I float in a giant circle, not spilling my drink at all
The Canadian military is just a guy named Ross with a flare gun in an aluminum boat.
had a talk with my manager where i told him it’s hard to do my job when i’m left off of emails/meetings and he said “well when you’re left out just let me know” and then i stared at him until he went “but if you were left out, you wouldn’t know….”
ME: it’s rude to stare
THE ABYSS: you started it
A lemonade stand is a good way to teach your kids the value of someone giving you money because they feel sorry for you.
Some will get it! Hmm 🤔?¿
I’m so sick of everyone asking if I *really* hate my kids. They’re just jokes, people. Annoying, inconvenient jokes who are ruining my life.
Cashier: What kind of lettuce is this?
Me: Apples!
*removes “works well under pressure” from resume*
I’ve been married for about 45 lbs.
Whoever invented the envelope was cooking. Need more office supplies I can lick
*has elbow pain*
*checks WebMD*
*buys a burial plot*
riding my roomba around the house dropping crumbs and tiny pieces of shit in front of it in the direction i wanna go
The first 36 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
Me: Guys, we have to leave for the store in an hour
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 15 min
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 5 min
Guys, we have to leave9yo: WHY?!? Where are we going?!?
So what do you think?
New hair?
No
Shoes?
No
Bag?
No
Pants?
No* 3 days later watching TV
OMG u rearranged the living room
– Men