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How come there’s never a first call for alcohol?
In my spare time I enjoy going to the theatre, listening to music, and cooking Indian food, although everyone watching the play never seems very impressed.
sitting eating at a picnic table in a park that shares a fence with the middle school yard and this lady comes out says “shouldn’t you be in class?” and i’m confused and just freeze and she goes “come on. to the office”
and i just go “…. i’m 20…” and she went RED😭😭😭
Rebranding demon possession as a cure for loneliness.
I don’t sit crossed legged to be classy, I’m holding my tampon in
coworker is telling us that being a libertarian is based on facts and I’m rubbing dirt between my hands like the beginning of gladiator
it looks like someone put their IKEA Güsen together wrong
still not “these beanie babies are going to be worth so much later on” rich and it hurts.
Jesus was the only man to return from the dead and not eat brains.
For the love of God, what is Jesus saving? Is it coupons? I bet it’s coupons
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
I basically called this earlier today
paramedic: [shining light into my eyes] what’s the last thing you remember
me: the question you just asked
Fun Fact:
A burrito will never sleep with your best friend behind your back.
We will always be important enough to fit into someone’s motive. However, that is not the kind of importance we want to carry around
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
“how’d your football team football today?”
those footballers footballed quite well…really good footballin’
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food to them
i miss catholic school. i just remembered when a girl gave up mirrors for lent. she would duck and scurry into a stall every time we walked into the bathroom… you just don’t run into that kind of weird every day now
I just said, “Have a good nice!” to a drive-thru attendant, so real quick everybody start saying that so I don’t feel stupid, thanks
Cabinet installer arrested, charged with counter fitting.
Can’t…too busy yelling at all the other drivers on the road. “Why do you have a license!!!!”
“I love you” can be the most beautiful words you can hear from someone you truly care about, next to “I got this round.”
we once had a detour a flight from NYC to Denver in Detroit to refuel because “we didn’t think you would bring so much stuff” to Denver…where there are mountains to ski on.
Netflix My bladder
🤝
Streaming on demand
Why are they called bangs and not a hangover?
At least we know scientists somewhere are finding a way to make humans sweat hallucinogens like those toads, so there will finally be a perk to all this stress about climate change and we all have a happier apocalypse.
I’m guessing by the bathroom scale being in the trash my wife has met her new years resolution and doesn’t need it anymore
this is not a scam
DM me if you wanna turn your $500 into my $500.
Don’t trust anyone that orders a Medium Pizza….