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Her: Welcome to McDonalds sir, may I take your order?
Me: *hands her a shovel with mouth agape* ALL. THE. FRIES.
My boyfriend is not like other guys. He wants to date me
The next Godzilla/King Kong universe movie:
“How I Met Your Mothra”
People complain about spam e-mail but it provides a valuable service. If every e-mail I got was actually important and required a response? I think that might break me
Me: [pitching an idea for a comic book] Imagine a superhero whose parents are–get this–alive and well.
Exec: *under breath* whoa
Optional boss fight.
I told my DAD to embrace his mistakes. he cried. then he hugged My brother & me.
How all things should be taught/explained.
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
How about a game where Mario gets a job and gets his coins like the rest of us.
Reports say 3 billion Yahoo accounts were hacked and suddenly 3 billion people remembered they had yahoo accounts.
My kid tried to get into my phone and got locked out, when she handed it back to me she said: look mom, I made it so that no one else could get into your phone. It was such an impressive spin on events, I signed her up for journalism school.
how do they grow the peanuts inside M&Ms
Me: “I’m going to the gym.”
The gym:
Sexy Time:
*removes fluffy bathrobe to reveal second even fluffier bathrobe*
Nothing is worse than having jock itch. ESPECIALLY within 100 ft of a school or playground.
I couldn’t remember the term “hazmat suit,” so I called it a “science burqa.”
I bet squirrels walk at a leisurely pace when no one is looking.
[dental office]
Me: I’m going to need some laughing gas.
Receptionist: Your appointment isn’t for 3 months.
Me: Is that a yes?
Him: Your profile said you were Catholic.
Her: *apartment filled with cats* Maybe you read it too fast.
ME: we have a problem, i’m out of beer
HER: it’s ok i don’t drink
ME: ok we have 2 problems
Unlike smoking, vaping doesn’t reduce your sex drive. It just reduces the sex drive of the people who see you vaping.
“This isn’t my first rodeo.” He said, confidently. “Now help me get on this pointy cow.”
Boss: Any takeaways from the client meeting?
Me: I got his stapler and two rolls of toilet paper
I dreamt I was drowning in the ocean, and woke up spitting on my pillow.
So yeah, you can say I get pretty wet n wild in bed.
Who wants to hear about my Wordle streak? Anyone? Hey, where ya guys going?
Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
What if babies cry on airplanes because they are expecting to get eaten. “Here comes the airplane,” indeed
Spider chilling while I’m on the loo: ……
Me:….*shoe ready in hand*
Also me: you’re actually kinda cute
Spider: *shifts uncomfortably*
Me: OH MY GAAWWWDDDD HE’S GONNA KILLLLL MEEEE……!!!!!!!!!!! *throws shoe*
i’ve had this nightmare before 😱