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The FBI’s terrorist hotline is not a place to chat with hot terrorists. I know that now.
I’m haunted by my grandmother saying “apple pie without cheese is like a kiss without copping a feel”
ME: *as a surgeon* What’s the worst that could happen? Your nose buzzes & we put all the pieces back & start over…Where are you going?
OH. COME. ON.
During lockdown our toddler went through a no clothing stage and we taught her to introduce herself to people by saying “Hi. I’m a nudist.” Now that lockdown is over and she’s actually meeting people I can’t decide if this was a very good or a very bad idea
*phone rings*
Me: THANK GOD YOU CALLED I’VE BEEN SO WORRIED ABOUT MY CAR WARRANTY!
I taught myself how to play the drums and I’m not very good at it. How can I tell if I’m a bad drummer or a bad teacher?
My friend got bitten by a snake and he fell to the floor and started writhing around. It’s amazing how fast the super powers kick in.
I like that the doctor always asks if I’m a smoker. When I say yes, he tells me I should quit.
No shit? Thanks. Here’s all my money.
I bought my husband of 21 years a sweatshirt and I stole it from him and that’s how we keep our marriage fresh
He wants my carcasses apparently.
I think autocorrect won that round.
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
I could be in a store desperately looking for gauze to treat a knife wound and I’d still tell a clerk that approached me I was just browsing
My teen son told me that he plans on talking like Chewbacca if a teacher calls on him today, so I guess I better start practicing my Wookiee for that parent teacher phone call later today.
me: ok so imagine if you were a horse—
my sister: bold of you to assume i’m not, but continue
[eating dinner]
wife
me
wife
me [wearing 8 Burger King crowns] If they didn’t want you to take more than one there’d be a sign
wife
me
wife
Casual sex robots have rebooty calls
If your drug dealer answers your call on the first ring …. he’s a cop.
Driving tests should have a portion where a kid in the backseat just pummels you with rapid-fire questions while you try to merge.
That’s “Mr. Human Scum” to you, buddy.
Astronauts wear helmets to hide their tears when they discover the moon isn’t made of cheese.
I don’t think my neighbor knows my rule about not interacting unless we’re both pointing at the same tornado.
Jeff: I’m from New Jersey
Geoff: I’m from New Georsey
Everyone: We’re concerned about you.
Me: *snorting crushed up smarties off the back of a public toilet* why tho?
Just had an Aha moment
Then a Duran Duran moment
Then a Eurythmics moment
Me: Please, call me John. No need to be all fancy with titles and last names.
Drill sergeant: …
It still hurts that my parents never came to any of my violin recitals. I never bought their flimsy excuses, like “You’ve never had any lessons” and “You don’t even have a violin” and “That’s a banjo and a stick.”
little girl: he was a gift
horse dentist: then I cannot help you
Your honor, if you watch the tape in reverse you can clearly see the officer planting the evidence in my vehicle.
I’ve never been #BackToTheFuture , but my mom always used to promise me she’d knock me into next week if I didn’t behave.