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Me *tearing up as my bride walks down the aisle on our wedding day*
Priest:
Me:
Priest: Look she might come back
A “clear memory” button, but for my brain.
And while we’re at it, a “delete cookies” button, but for my thighs.
I think you misunderstood–when I said, “Let me look into it” that meant, “I don’t know exactly how to tell you no just yet”
friend: how’s the new job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
Cop: can u describe your attacker
Me: super aggressive, with a big nose & powerful arms
Cop: u just described a seagull
Me: he took my chips
whenever I watch shows like Love Island or Love Is Blind the first thing I think about is how they got that much annual leave
medusa: look into my gaze
me:
dwayne johnson: did it do anything?
*Listens to We Didn’t Start the Fire by Billy Joel*
*Adds history major to resumé*
I secretly hope that twitter keeps extending the character limit as a social experiment, slowly conditioning our attention spans until we’re able to read actual books again
To add insult to injury illiterate is hard to spell.
Q: What’s the safest place to be during a North Korean missile strike?
A: The place they are aiming at.
My toddler has lost the eyes from her Mr Potato head toy and I’m pretty sure it was on purpose so he can’t see how shit 2020 is
Every year, my childless (by choice) brother tries to find the most annoying toy on the planet to send to my kids for Christmas. So this year for his gift, I’m sending the kids for a visit and to keep them entertained, I’m sending all the toys, too.
Homeschooling day 3
Lessons finished hours ago and the kids are still here, do I just put them outside and hope someone collects them or…
Twitter is the new flypaper.
The Constitution says nothing about it being illegal for cats to carry firearms and this worries me immensely.
I like it when the clocks change because it’s a law that feels like a prank. The government’s going to change the time while you’re asleep. Next month they’re going to unscrew your salt shaker while you’re at work.
[getting hypnotized]
ME: *clucks like a chicken*
HYPNOTIST: I haven’t started yet
Your Honor, could we take a recess in this Zoom hearing? I need to break up a cat fight.
Kids are the worst CIA agents. I KNOW WATERBOARDING SUCKS KATIE BUT YOU CAN’T TELL THE TALIBAN EVERYTHING FOR A CAPRI SUN YOU IDIOT
It stops being sexy if you wait 14 hours to reply back.
Those who still fit in their wedding dresses years later haven’t been making enough effort eating.
WIFE: why do we even need a gun in the house
ME: *fires off 8 rounds just to kill a spider* that’s why
there are people who know when to reply all and when not to reply all and none of them work at your company
[meeting Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson at Comic-Con]
THE ROCK: You want me to autograph your jar of pickles?
ME: What? No, I want you to open it for me.
Your mum doesn’t think it’s safe for you to have a treehouse, but I’m gonna go out on a limb and build you one.
Just passed a psychiatric hospital. Anyways, wanted to let you know I was thinking of you today.
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: [slams fist on dash] NO, WHY?!
Cop: Settle down sir
Me: [marries, has kids, gives up ambitions]
Cop: …
Me: I love the way the rib meat just falls off the bone
Other surgeons: what
Everyone is unique.
Except you.
You are not unique.
You are the only not unique person in human history.