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Wife: is that our guinea pig?
Me: yes and I’ve named her gwyn
Wife: why
Me: *whispers* gwyny pig
Horrifically awaiting the day all the shampoo bottles in my shower decide to squeeze me back.
if my house is ever clean just know i must have murdered someone in there.
As the parent of a 5yo boy, I can name all the dinosaurs and none of my coworkers.
I eat salads because you can’t just drink ranch dressing
Basically.
Haha I chopped a jalapeño without wearing gloves and then rubbed my eye pls kill me.
How do you know you been on your phone too much?
Reading an actual physical book earlier I looked up to the top of the page to see the time!
Me: 47 MESSAGES IN UNDER 3 MINUTES?!
Genie: I told you wishing your dog could send you texts was a bad idea
A single text to my mom is like pulling that loose thread on a sweater.
Gravestone inscription “Hey guys, I’m going to be taking a little break from social media”
The local casino is hosting a speed dating event.
Just what every woman needs, a new boyfriend with a gambling problem.
absolutely love it when i spend all morning crafting an email so professional and precise it is essentially endorsed by the better business bureau only for dave from accounts payable to reply “ok” in size 45 comic sans
Why is it always big, scary houses that are haunted?
It’s never “oh my god, don’t go into Kevin’s efficiency apartment, there’s a ghost in there!!!”
The company hates when I helicopter into work.
It’s always, “zip up your pants and go see HR now!”
babe what’s wrong you haven’t moved an inch in six months and you smell really bad
The whole “Hugs, Not Drugs” campaign was so stupid because, back when I did drugs, I can assure you, there was so much hugging going on…
Beef and broccoli with calrose rice is on the menu tonight. If you’re coming over, bring condoms. (Just checking to see if you actually read this shit or just blindly RT)
[Audition for the musical Cats]
Director: Act like a cat for me
Me: I’m not doing anything to impress you
Director: Perfect
If sharks are so tough how come not a single one turned up to fight me behind the school last Friday
Guys waiting their turn for a haircut are a barbercue.
[first day as a hacker] *puts ax down* i got inside their computer alright
Honey, I made the news! Apparently that old lady I fought at the library wasn’t a ghost
I’ve got a bee in my bonnet, ants in my pants, and a meeting with an exterminator at noon tomorrow
[dinner, my place]
“This tastes like pork?”
ME: You asked for a nice swine
“No, a nice wine”
ME: Oh, okay…you still want the crap cakes?
Dating tip:
Walk up to a girl in a club, smile, look into her eyes, take her hand and walk away. If she wants her hand back, she’ll find you
How dare you with another bird…😏😂🦜
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because of my obsession with emo rock bands
her: no it’s because of the weird chemistry fanfics that you keep writing
me: i knew it! you hate my chemical romance
When the ex saw 2 wine glasses in my sink, I hope he thought, “she shared a bottle w/ a hot guy” not “drinking alone 2 nights in a row”
Mirena IUD Commercial on Hulu: “If you can’t keep a plant alive, you definitely aren’t ready to have a baby.”
Me to my kids sitting in the room WHO KNOW THEIR MOM KILLED A CACTUS ONCE: “Welp. This is awkward.”