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Nothing makes me worry more than the kids saying “Don’t worry, we cleaned it up”
me: I just don’t know what you see in me
X-ray tech: twelve ice cream sandwiches. Still in their foil wrappers
EVERY MOVIE TRAILER NOW:
We hear a single piano key play.
A shot of a basketball court at dusk.
Sally Field [V.O.] “Your grandfather was…complicated. There’s a lot you don’t know, can’t understand.”
A children’s choir starts singing “In the Air Tonight” by Phil Collins.
I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus: A Guide For Talking To Your Children About Polyamory
The body is 70% water..
So cool, you’re not fat you’re just flooded..
was in a meeting that ran over by about 20 minutes and the presenter was not even close to being finished
until a very exasperated nigerian colleague unmuted herself to announce loudly “i am very unhappy with you, barry”
Vacation Summary:
I ate so much that I now have my own gravitational field.
“Mom, the kid in the other car is making faces at me.”
“Just ignore him, sweetie.”
teacher: what would you like to do when you grow up?
Edgar: *shrugs*
teacher: Poe, try
the food pyramid is a conspiracy by big triangle to sell more triangles
Server: would you like some freshly grated Parmesan?
Me: yes, please! *opens purse*
[in Starbucks]
“It’s Ian with one i”.
“We only need your first name Mr Wivwanaye”.
4-year-old: I found a caterpillar. It’s not poisonous.
Me: How do you know?
4: I licked it.
Waiter: May I take your order?
Yes, roll over and play dead!
Waiter: It’s not that kind of order.
Oh. Sorry. I’ll have the cheese sticks.
Why do people always talk in absolutes? I would never do that. It’s the worst.
In High School I was pretty popular with all the boys.
I was known as “Hey, will you ask your friend if she likes me?”
my daughter is never hungrier than immediately after refusing the food we’ve offered her
Wife: You’re really on a roll today.
Me: : *wearing croissants as slippers* Please leave the dad jokes to me.
Baby: *sleeps longer than expected*
Me: *checks if baby is alive*Kid: *makes loud thud from other room*
Me: *checks if kid is alive*Teen: *hasn’t sighed in an hour*
Me: *checks if teen is alive*
sure, i could keep my thoughts to myself but i can’t see “likes” in my journal
If I ever go missing, just follow my kids. They can find me no matter where I try to hide!
[first day as hotdog vendor] I’m sorry, these are not for sale
Wife’s lawyer: So why did he demand a divorce?
My lawyer: it says here that he forgot it was their wedding anniversary and just panicked…
[1773]
“Your majesty, last night some angry colonists dumped our tea into the Boston Harbor”
*three English ladies faint*
WTF THIS MEANS WAR
Me: Do you have assorted cheeses?
Mom [exactly right next to me]: A sword of jesus?
Me: Yes ma, did you have a sword of jesus?
Dad [from down the hall]: We have lots of cheese in the top drawer of the fridge!
I wonder if Disney Princesses take BuzzFeed quizzes to find out which bored stay-at-home mom they are.
Why can’t my kids understand that I’m just not into parenting right now.
I’ve started picking furniture up off the side of the road, restoring it, and then selling it on Facebook in order to finance my expensive new hobby, which is picking furniture up off the side of the road and then restoring it to sell on Facebook.
[in car on a road trip]
Me (checks clock): 5:07
*reads for a bit*
*scrolls emails*
*searches for radio station*
*eats a snack*
*knits a sweater*Me (checks clock): 5:08