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son: [kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
me: [also kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
wife: my salad!
WIFE: I think he’s in a midlife crisis
“Why, did he buy a new car?”
WIFE: not yet
[I pull up on a sleigh pulled by roughly 1000 raccoons]
You can usually tell which duck is the cop because he has a mustache and a gun.
“My great-grandma went to jail for making moonshine” was probably not the family history topic my son’s teacher expected.
One nice thing about your 30s is people talk less about figuring themselves out and more about where the best sandwiches are.
Me: *holding my hands out* Time to say grace
McDonald’s cashier: No
*after spending a solid 15 minutes listening to someone describe a tv show I’ll never watch*
I’ll definitely check it out.
can’t a grown man in a phantom of the opera face mask just go grocery shopping like everybody else!? geeze.
wife [on Facebook] Spent the day with the kids. We had so much fun!
wife [to me] Do you know what those little shits did to me today?
Bird: Good morning! How are you?
Me: Oh my God! You can talk!
Bird *tapping his Bluetooth ear piece*: I missed what you said, some jackass is shouting at me.
Satisfied that he had all the ingredients he needed, Phineas moved on to the next big question – how to get it into the dog’s food.
Pink has done surprisingly well as a solo artist ever since her and Floyd split up.
End a boring conversation by opening an umbrella in their face
My favorite condiment is Worcestershire sauce. Why? It’s hard to say.
Tried new pain medication, and an hour later 3 penguins in military fatigues walked into the room and told me I need to kill Mussolini’s cat
me: why can’t I crack this egg open
wife: because it’s a lemon
me: first my car and now this
Plot twist: The Rock isn’t Kid Rock’s real dad.
a daycare dad cut me off in the parking lot so I went early yesterday and taught his kid how to ride a bike you can never get that back
HELLO, 911? I’M FALLING DOWN AN ELEVATOR SHAFT. YES, RIGHT NOW. VERY SLOWLY, THAT’S HOW. HOLD ON, SOMEONE JOINED. WHOA, NOW WE’RE FALLING UP
If you think my tweets are horrid, wait until you see the live stream of my colonoscopy
So I just moved into my new apartment.
Directly below me is a police station.
It would appear that I am above the law.
Me: When’s your break today?
Him: Not sure. I’ll send you a DM
*doorbell rings*
Demi Moore: Ok, he’s ready for lunch
K1: Frankincence
K2: Myrrh
K3: Gold
K1 & K2: WHAT?
K3: Gold
K1: We said £20 each!
K3: I..
K1: I hate you
K3: Wrap it from all of us?
Wait – my gym moved?
In 1997?
Exercise good judgement? I don’t think so, I don’t exercise anything.
roman lesbians: *caesaring*
The first rule of Nun Club is “no dirty habits.”
My crush suddenly stopped texting me today. Either she is in the gravest of danger or she spontaneously decided she hates my guts. Those are literally the only two things that could have happened.
Asking my dentist a question but sticking my fingers in his mouth before he replies