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i’ll see you in court (at the marriage registry) (i love you)
I just met the most interesting man at the laundromat
And then I realized that he can’t even afford
A washer or a dryer
[Museum]
Guard: Ma’am, please don’t touch the statue.
Me: But I’m almost finished painting her toenails.
[on phone]
ME: Babe what’s the wifi password?
HER: We broke up. I told you last night
ME: We broke up, got it. Any upper case or spaces?
Make friends with an enemy today. Hug them. Caress their cheek. Lick their eyeball. Cough directly into their mouth.
I should put a bowl of this Halloween candy in my office in case anyone wants some.
-Me, working from home. Alone.
somebody seems to be trying real hard to get Gurt’s attention
(trying to explain what adulthood is like to a kid) you know in sims when you put a guy in the pool and then you take all the ladders out.
How do German people not choke to death when they talk
Leonardo DiCaprisun
If you’re serious about your mental health, find a very pale doctor in an unreasonably dark office at an understaffed isolated 200 year old sanitarium that appears abandoned then go ahead and check in until you’re cured/murdered.
*flags down police car* how many mpg does this thing get?
“How was your first day of school sweetie?”
*in tears* JEFF HAD THE SAME SHIRT
“Oh…I’m sorry”
*rips Batman shirt* I’M NEVER TEACHING AGAIN!!
hitler’s mom: WHY DO ALL THESE TIME TRAVELERS KEEP TRYING TO KILL MY BABY???
The recipe I’m making specifically says allow to cook undisturbed, and yet my whole family is standing in the kitchen
Burger King is preparing to introduce a new turkey burger. Pigeons are beginning to disappear.
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with her student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
Asking your child to go get their sibling for dinner is just asking them to stand next to you and scream their sibling’s name.
Astrologer: do you know what we say about November birthdays?
Me: that the Valentines lingerie worked?
Astrologer: no
Oh, please don’t pay attention on that voodoo doll you’re going to find outside your door!
That was by mistake
Roses are red,
Change comes with the tide
My husband just got so tired of our argument he threw himself down the imaginary steps behind the couch.
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
[Budapest airport]
IMMIGRATION: So what is your purpose for visiting Hungary?
ME: [holding huge bag of marbles] I wanna see the hippoes.
But most of all, I regret that my actions have led to negative consequences for me
someone very mysteriously dumped 3-400 pounds of pasta in the woods in old bridge, nj …… i need to know everything
Last Halloween I had to explain to everyone that I was not a ghost with a boner, but I was just a ghost and I happened to have a boner.
Someone sat down next to me in a crowded waiting room and started clicking her pen.
Tune in to your local news at 5 to see what happened next.
Beastie Boys: So whatcha whatcha whatcha want?
2020: *deep breath*
Every time I see someone use cause in place of because I’m tempted to ask what cause they are referring to… clean air? a cure for cancer?
Be specific with your causes, people.