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my favorite maggie smith movie will always be hook, which she played at 56 years old but the makeup was so good it confused an entire generation of people when she just kept looking the same or better for the next 3 decades
I hate it when I forget to cut the tags off my sandwich and everyone’s like “New sandwich?”
[My son’s 1st day of school]
ME [in tears] it’s just gone way too fast
TEACHER: Even so, you have to take him home now
I used to think that ‘Gun point’ and ‘Knife point’ were real places. I’d see or hear media reports about things like; ‘man robbed at knife point’ and think ‘ooh, never want to go there, too much crime.’
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 50,000 signatures.
netflix be hiring writers who have literally never had a normal conversation with anyone ever
Lake Superior really needs to lose the attitude.
No, you’re not getting it your honor
Casting director: alright, screen test for the part of ‘fax machine’ go ahead
Dolphin: *deep breath*
If your kids aren’t drinking enough water, tell them it’s bedtime.
Spent the evening varnishing my Grandparents dining room floor. Here’s a list of things they offered me in the three hours I was there…
Let them kids believe in Santa! You believe you’re cute no one says shit
If my dude is messaging you.. he’s your dude..
Keep. Him. 😂
My brain: Don’t worry. I’ll remember.
[1 MINUTE LATER]
My brain: So you’re not going to believe this…
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
good morning to everyone except the people who make TV shows that include critical dialogue being messaged between characters which is nearly impossible for the viewers to read
If someone asks for advice, just tell em to follow their heart. No idea what that shit means but at least they’re not talking to you anymore
Hypothetically, when is the right time to tell your divorce attorney that you’ve never been married and you love spending time with him?
(making the first gang) and we all have to wear the same color. it’ll be cute.
Sure, I’m on the keto diet.
The keto my happiness is carbs.
I don’t think I could pass a polygraph, even the simple questions because I overthink. They would ask is Amanda is my name and I’d be conflicted because I know my birthname before I was adopted or they would ask if I had ever did acid & I haven’t but I use hyaluronic in skincare.
Why do people say “Cannonball” when jumping into a pool, but no one says “I’m jumping into a pool” when firing a cannonball #Interesting
“please feel free to ignore this email” – respectful, timely communication, probably requesting something that I can handle in a couple minutes
“I need this ASAP” – well you shoulda asked yesterday pal
I wonder what the ocean smelled like before it was full of fish
I’m too immature to use a recipe that calls for cumin.
Being an adult on the internet is weird because you’ll see a trending article with a headline like, “Here’s a picture of what money looked like before Venmo!”
Gonna start feeding my dog condoms, so when she poops they’re already in tiny little bags!
Sorry babe, you knew you were dating a bad boy [shuffles Pokemon cards without the plastic covers]
@ConanOBrien My friend is an EMT and would do well at Trivia Mornings because…you guessed it…she is a first responder.
Me: Ok, these are the specs. Do you think you can do it?
Architect: These look like renovation plans for a Barbie Dream House.
Me: And?