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No time to explain get in the wood chipper
If by prepped for Irma you mean have I eaten all the ice cream before the power goes out then yes I’m totally prepped for Irma.
Me: If the sun has a finite life can we really save the planet?
Wife: TAKE THE RECYCLING OUT!
During the day I don’t believe in ghosts, But at night I’m a little bit more open minded
me at age 5: if I get a million dollars ill buy a yacht and 14 trampolines
me at age 25: if I get a million dollars ill go to the dentist and pay for express shipping on stuff
(At the Gym)
Manager: Sir…I’m sorry but you’re required to wear a mask at all times on the gym floor.
Me: *sweating, panting and reaching around my face
I think…I think I swallowed it.
Them: You should try keto
Me:
Grocery shopping before Christmas is a nightmare… My gallon of milk expired while I was waiting in line….
[first date]
Him: See? Juggling on a unicycle is easy.Her: You’ve lost a lot of blood.
Him: I’m fine. Throw in another chainsaw.
Her: While you’re just laying there?
My goal whenever I open my car door is to have a bike rider crash into it and hope that they are escaping from a crime scene.
Serendipity requires the hardest driving rain occurs during the walk from your car to the office door.
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Dwayne Johnson: *sweating nervously* certainly not paper that’s for sure
Sign of the times. 😒
#Hoarders #COVIDー19 #COVID #CoronaOutbreak
My husband is a mumbler, but that doesn’t stop him from telling me I’m beautiful… I’m pretty sure that’s what he’s saying anyway.
spin the bottle, except you have to murder the person it lands on
her: this is a baby shower
she loves me [takes bite of hotdog]
she loves me not [takes another bite of hotdog]
riding my roomba around the house dropping crumbs and tiny pieces of shit in front of it in the direction i wanna go
To stay safe in a fire, remember the acronym “DBOF”:
Don’t
Be
On
Fire
Coworker: What’s twitter like?
Me: The door handle is broken and the maid is drunk.
First person to use a pillow: this is way better than leaves
First person to lay on a pillow: ok I smell shit
When you smile the whole world wonders what’s wrong with you.
I don’t know why they are staring. Ignore them.
*Holds drink up to your voodoo doll’s mouth*
Harsh but true birthday card from my parents
It has been proven that Australians watch TV more than any other appliance.
I like to think Jesus rose after, like, 20 minutes, but then had to spend 3 days trying to move the rock from the cave.
My daughter quickly pulled my glasses off and threw them on the floor, and out of habit, I gave her my lunch money and stuffed myself in a locker.
JESUS: *Turns water into La Croix*
ME: *Takes sip* Oh…yeah. I guess… *takes another sip* Yeah, I guess this is kind of different.
JESUS: Better?
ME: No… no, not better.
The bouncer was kicking me out & I put up my finger for him 2 wait,while I chugged the rest of my drink.All he could say was:
Are U serious?
“Some people call me the space cowboy, some call me the gangster of love. Some people call me Maurice, cause…”
Barista: I’m writing “Mo”.