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Every time I swallow food coloring, I dye a little bit on the inside.
When we were at the store, my daughter went up to a lady who was holding a pretty bottle and asked her what it is was and when she told her it was shampoo my daughter actually asked “What’s shampoo?” so I’m expecting a visit from social services any day now.
i hate the toilet paper math where the package says like “6 ROLLS = 33 ROLLS!” No it doesn’t.
Oh that’s cute you think the worst sound is “nails on a chalkboard”… Here, borrow my kids for an hour.
Hey kids! Make your voice heard this election day by hiding your parents identification! (Not applicable in some states)
A lady at the store was returning a dozen donuts. I’ve never been so confused. What kind of monster does that?
flight attendant: sir, you can’t bring that cow manure on the plane
me: THIS IS BULLSHIT!
Just choking her is overrated. Fill the bed up with legos and choke slam her into the bed.
At the rate I’m throwing shit out as I pack to move there’s a strong possibility not all the kids will make it to the new house
*goes into Lowe’s for a can of paint*
*leaves with $200 worth of Girl Scout cookies*
When pets wake me up at 5 am, it’s painful but adorable and I come right to life.
When humans do it, they lose a finger.
The Dalai Lama and Gandhi aren’t the same? I thought they were basically Miley Cyrus/Hannah Montana. I feel like people are messing with me.
The charge in my beard trimmer died before I finished and I’ve never felt more sympathetic to women in my entire life.
You guys ever see a mannequin and think she’s completely out of your league?
[taking baby’s shoes off & examining the soles]
“Oh look, completely clean. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.”
Sorry I didn’t reply to your text, I just couldn’t find a response that would keep you from sending another
I’m just a girl reading the news in KYIV like “Kentucky four.”
Today I threw away an empty Amazon box that’s been sitting on the floor for two weeks, so that means tomorrow I’ll have a need for that box.
Saturday
[car accident]
Other driver: YOU TURNED INTO ME!
Me: *looking at hands* like Freaky Friday?
Good morning, here are some ABBA songs that could also be about Mario:
• Mamma Mia
• Money, Money, Money
• Super Trooper
• Name of the Game
• I’ve Been Waiting For You
• The Winner Takes It AllPlease let me know if there are any more.
I think that McDonalds is putting an unhealthy amount of lettuce in the Big Macs these days.
Me: hands up, this is a robbery?
7-11 cashier:
Therapist: what did we talk about
Me: (firmly) this is a robbery.
Do you know what happens after 8 tequila shots?
Me neither.
(Son walks in on us.I make it under the covers.Hubs doesn’t)
9: (Half asleep) Dad why are you naked?
Him: Um..uh…I’m just setting my alarm
9: Oh. Okay. G’night. (Walks out)
Me: Really?! You know that a few years from now, he’s going to strip naked to set his alarm, right?
The 2024 federal budget promises billions of dollars in new spending. Aw, that’s so sweet, they’re gonna do a single grocery run for us!
*finally detangles ear buds
*plane lands
[5 mins after being stranded on an island with a group of people]
Me: who do we eat first
It takes a smoke detector 4 months to stop beeping if you were wondering how lazy I am.