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Columbus: SO THIS IS INDIA
Natives: actually it’s no-
C: HI INDIANS
N: no see, we are nowhere near-
C: INDIA IS FUN LETS EAT YOUR FOOD
I saved my Q tip so I could ask my husband if my earwax looked normal when he woke up. This is marriage.
Someone stole my identity. And then sent it back with $100 and a note that said “So sorry man. Hope things work out.”
I wanna see a video where professional dancers break out into nursing.
My boss asked if I had Facebook and I said sure and gave up the link. Then she asked about twitter. After an awkward silence I said, huh?
The Macarena is pretty menacing if you do it in silence in the queue at the bank.
I keep an extra stash of tampons in my purse to launch at blowhards who punctuate the end of their sentence with the word, “Period!”
Twitter’s fun because everyone’s really cynical and snide about everything except *checks hand* … wrestling? that can’t be right
Random person: How are you?
Me: you too.
I found an old photo of 5 yo me in my dad’s boat and on the back he’d written “my pride and joy” and I’m 99% certain he was referring to the boat
Bartenders be like ” heres that receipt, i’ll go ahead and put it on the wettest part of the bar”
going to red lobster does anyone need any red lobsters
Oh panic attacks,I thought you said pancake attacks because I have those all the time.
My boyfriend has no mental illness and it’s the weirdest shit. You know what he does when he’s tired? Goes to bed. When he’s hungry? Eats a snack. When he’s drunk? Stops drinking. I don’t get it.
Pro tip: being patient will get you out of raking leaves. One of these days will be windy and they will blow into your neighbors yard.
I shouted “the blue Subaru with an Obama sticker left its lights on!” at Mt. Bachelor and had the *entire* hill to myself for an hour
I’ve had a stressful day and writing a scathing email to the pork and bean company wasn’t on my list of things to do but here I am.
alien graffiti can be pretty hurtful 😔
You’re 25, please stop saying back in the day.
You ever notice how when you get home from food shopping, the kids turn into airport security?
I’ll leave a to-do list on the table in case any of you stalkers get bored.
I’ve got lots of frenemies. That’s what I call French people who are my enemies.
friend: don’t worry so much
me: omg why what will happen
I just changed all my passwords to “kenny”…
Now I have kenny logins.
#dangerzone
If you see me on my balcony practicing my karate, just keep driving…I don’t want you getting pregnant.
I used to eat a lot of Belgian chocolate, but I gave it up for Lindt.
“What do you mean ‘stuffed'”?
Ugh. My bed is infested with children.
I don’t always go outside but when I do I hit my forehead really hard on a shelf to make sure I look like an idiot.