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“ICEBERG, RIGHT? A HEAD?”
– Cook on the Titanic, confirming salad ingredients
If you think your microwave collecting data and the TV spying on you is bad enough…
The vaccum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.
i wasn’t in favor of banning tiktok until i found out there is a part of it called “watertok” where people share “water recipes”. what do you mean water recipes. all you need is cold water. it’s a tasty treat
Wireless bra? What’s the password?
My daughter was asking where her plastic katana was and when she found it, held it up and said “it’s poorly made but it’ll do”
Disney made such a big deal of kissing dead people. I kissed one dead person and now I’m no longer allowed at the morgue
doctor: I’ll need you to remove your underpants
me: *taking underpants off my head* fine
I get there is a rental crisis and all but…nope.
Early morning work meeting, boss kept telling us to “lean in”
I leaned in so much, I fell asleep at my desk.
One of the coolest things about superhero films is that they can be any genre.
Science fiction? Guardians of the Galaxy.
Fantasy? Doctor Strange.
Sleep aid? Eternals.
Santa baby, slip some mental stability under the tree, for me
[does jerk off motion for 2 hours] and that concludes the hearing impaired translation of the presidential debate. all of them. god bless
they should invent a hydrating liquor
Why didn’t I go pee earlier.
– My tombstone
Everything goes as planned when nothing’s planned.
No Fitbit, I didn’t walk 18,937 steps today, I had a Sign Language final.
You know you’re watching Star Wars with Catholics when every time you hear “May the Force be with you,” you hear, “And also with you.”
I’m tired of people asking how I wrecked my car. That’s just the way it looks.
I hope my husband never gets Alzheimer’s but if he does, I imagine my favorite part will be saying “I gave you one yesterday.”
The Princess and the Pea
except it’s a rogue hair on the inside of my shirt driving me crazy all day
Whenever I test drive a car and the Salesman decides to come along, I lock the doors lock eyes and say “We ride together, we Die together.”
verbiage sounds like something you’re not getting enough of in your diet
Just got a coffee at the airport and then remember they have beer and now I’m awake and sad
*tries hard*
*fails*
*tries flaccid*
<in bed>
<hears ice maker>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered!<hears a/c come on>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered<dog barks at door>
STFU!
I sent my wife a copy of a menu from a really fancy restaurant ahead of time….
….she’ll be so surprised when we pull up at this Applebee’s.
Inspirational Quote Of The Day..
Her: Where have you been?
Me: I went to see a shrink.
Her: Are you having emotional problems?
Me: No… I just want to be smaller.