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The fact that we don’t hear the words “free quote” and burst into laughter always amazes me. You aren’t going to charge me to tell me what you’ll charge me? Calm down, Karl Marx.
Genesis is my favorite rock group who’ve been around long enough to write a chapter in the bible.
[first day on a new job]
Me: I’ll admit. I’m a workaholic. I tend to bring my work home with me.
Zoo keeper: Put down the penguin.
Lifeguards should focus more on water safety and less on me laying eggs in the sand.
Magician: Ok Sir, pick one, write your name on it, and put it back in to the pack. Don’t let me see which one it was.
Me:(wrestling with angry wolf) Have you ever thought of trying this trick with playing cards!!
#RateMyPun #LunchPun
Him: I like meatier girls.
Me: I killed the dinosaurs.
Him: What?
Me: What?
“Goddamn you’re so well put together I can’t wait to take you apart” sounded way sexier and less serial-killery in my head
Marie Kondō’s method really has been magical. I’m ridding my home of anything that doesn’t “spark joy.”
So far I’m down one washing machine, one vacuum, and a husband.
If Amazon had a dating app:
You recently got married! Here are some similar people you may be interested in
I got my first real 6-string
Bought it at the 5 & dime
Played it til my fingers bled
Mom sued the guitar manufacturer & settled out of court
Eating a takeout salad alone in your car can feel depressing, but not if you fully commit to the backstory that you’re a detective on a stakeout.
It’s all fun and games until you swallow the keys to the handcuffs.
You would think my neighbors would appreciate me petting their dogs every day.
But nooooo, they’re too worried about how I keep getting into their house.
Lawyer: Just be confident in there and they’ll believe you
Me: Got it[Later]
Judge: Did you kill him?
Me *confidently* yes
I wasn’t craving chocolate bunnies until I opened the twitter. Thanks guys, now I have to go buy Easter candy before it’s on sale.
Failed my Politics exam. “Describe the role that India plays in the modern world”.
Apparently “Tech Support” is not the correct answer.
My 8-year-old asked Alexa if he will die one day and man Alexa does not hold back.
[examining human DNA]
Okay, that’s one twisted step ladder.
It turns out that the Circle of Life doesn’t mean a donut, I’m so confused.
WIFE: You can’t tell kids they’re grounded anymore
ME: Why not?
W: They weren’t our kids
M: You did see how badly they packed our groceries?
I go back to work tomorrow, ending my 91 day weekend.
Me, age 18: I’ll be a homeowner by the time I’m in my 30s
Me, in my 30s: I own a single pair of matching socks
haha remember when you were a kid you’d hide inside the clothes racks at stores. can’t do that as an adult. someone’s stupid kid is in there
When you die, you can now have your remains scattered by drone across the UK. It helps if you’re cremated, but it’s not as funny
My friends are arguing about heating leftover pizza or eating it cold, and I’m over here wondering why they have leftover pizza.
When a cop talks to you about Miranda, he’s not inviting you for a three-way… I know this now.
You know you’re getting old when you scroll down the birthday drop down menu … And it starts going into Roman Numerals.
if umpires are supposed to be so decisive then they should just be called pires