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Guess who’s going to finally get their shit together in 2022?
Not me. But God speed, whoever you are.
[Who Wants To Be A Millionaire]
ME: I鈥檇 like to phone a friend.
HOST: (after 14 different attempts with no answer) The shows only an hour long.
I live in fear of my kids going outside when it’s raining, because they could get wet and multiply.
very clever of hansel and gretel to leave a trail of bread crumbs through the forest, since that is an environment in which there are famously no bread-crumb consuming creatures.
Che: “Why do you want to participate in this guerrilla war?”
Me: [picturing myself leading an army of gorillas into battle] “Independence.”
It takes a smoke detector 4 months to stop beeping if you were wondering how lazy I am.
Date: I like men with a bit of mystery.
Me: I have a pancake in my wallet.
Are black guys the ones with big dicks?
Because if so, I think I might be a black guy.
I want my kid to be sociable, but I don’t know where I expect him to inherit that from.
Your skull is only a centimeter thick and other reassurances.
me: “so when do you think we’ll see a big hairy boy?”
my hunting partner: “please call them bears”
(When someone insults something you like.)
“Sources?? In triplicate! My honor demands nothing less!”
(When someone insults something you hate.)
“This RandomUser654788433 fellow certainly makes good points.”
Me: How many would be the equivalent?
Salesman: Sir, I don鈥檛 think-
Me: Look, I don鈥檛 own a horse.
I have no idea how strong a horse is. Horsepower means nothing to me. What鈥檚 the pissed off cat power in this baby?
Cellmate: what did you do?
Me: robbed a bank.
Cellmate: nice! how鈥檇 you get caught?
Me: [lights a cig and takes a long drag]
I stopped to put all the money facing the same way.
Young MacDonald had a farm,
Heavy GMO.
The corn’s pest-free but side effects,
Are more or less unknown.
“Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil..”
Him: Do you have to say that everytime we visit my mom?
I remember this one time I peed in the pool. The lifeguard yelled so loud I almost fell in.
Put my back out twerking in the library again
My mind’s telling me “No!” But my body, my body’s telling me “There’s that chicken salad in the fridge.”
I can’t be the only one that sees the day when
a direct message from a catfish is called carp DM.
the whole world: we might not recover from the covid era for another 2 to 3 years these are truly dark times
marketing people:
This girl just said, “You know that feeling you get when you really really like someone?” and I was all like, “Nope.” and walked away.
Me: I don’t think I belong
Therapist: Do you think you be short?
I like that in The Little Mermaid, Ariel & King Triton wouldn’t violate a contractual obligation, but they murdered Ursula with a ship.
My daughter gave me a coupon book for Mother鈥檚 Day and told me to pick one, so I chose the clean your room coupon. She immediately began crying because I was supposed to choose the free hug instead.
I haven鈥檛 had a cookie or a piece of Christmas candy in 24 hours. Is this a cleanse?
Started amusing myself in work meetings by adding “No pun intended” after comments I make with absolutely no pun or double meaning in them, then spend the next five minutes watching people’s faces as they are clearly trying to work out what the “pun” was
My dogs have requested that I stop trying to homeschool them.
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato.