Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[heist team lowers me into the mainframe]
*I see a bra fastened around the keyboard*
Me, sweating: shit, I’ve never gotten past one of these

that scene in texas chainsaw 3D where alex daddarios character who is supposed to be 40 runs away from leatherface but instead of hopping a fence or going a different direction she hops on a ferris wheel and is shocked to find out that it goes back down

30 seconds left on the microwave

~ Women:
set table, pour drinks, tweet, talk on the phone

~ Men:
do the space shuttle countdown

Writing advice: Write well, not badly. Keep writing until the book is finished. After you’re finished, get the book published. Sell a lot of copies, not just a few.

I wouldn’t want to fly Virgin. Who’d want to fly an airline that doesn’t go all the way?

So I hear you like bad gals? What if I told you I left work three minutes early today?

No one is reading any of these tweets. Feel free to unburden yourself. I murdered a drifter once. Wow. That feels great. Now you.

[Planning a heist]

ME: Did you scope the place out?

PARTNER: Yes, they have two armed guards

ME: So we’re evenly matched in terms of limbs

💀 😭

Laying down some rules for my surfer gf… when she tells her friends why I won’t go in the water I want her to explain that I’m scared of the size of the ocean, and not just say “He’s scared” without elaborating

A great part of video game culture is how you can purchase a night at an inn, and you wake up with full health.

I’ve been to many hotels before, this does not actually happen.

Robin: Gee Bruce, how come you get to wear dark concealing colors and I have to wear bright Red, Yellow and Green?

Batman: You’re the decoy

I think my neighbor is very sick. I have now seen him putting no less than six of his arms in his garbage over the past year.

Telling my friend they will end up with the partner they deserve (insult but said in the tone of a compliment)

ME: it’s spelled “kevin” but pronounced “kev-a-vin”

INTERVIEWER: you’re fired

ME: you haven’t even hired me yet

INTERVIEWER: you’re fired

*signs your yearbook “best friends for life”

*never speaks to you again *

There should be an Uber for somebody to come over and wrap all your presents.

Me: I’ve had this for 3 weeks & I’m still single!

HomeDepot Clerk: ma’am, a stud finder is for the beams in your wall

Me: that was unclear

An orca just threw a molotov cocktail at my house.

🎶It’s like 10,000 steps when all you need is a nap🎶

This afternoon a crew of men were installing Christmas lights on a house down the street. The next thing I hear is a boy yelling, “It’s not Decemberrrrrr!!”
That’s how I knew my son was home from school.

Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password

Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)

It’s bedtime so naturally my 6 year old is asking how many days we’ll stay alive.

He’s been preparing for this moment his entire life 😂😭

You know what a cubicle basically says? It says ‘We don’t think you’re smart enough for an office,but we don’t want you to look at anybody.’

[death row]

prison chef: would you like to request a final meal?

me: yes, casserole, but can you cook it for twenty five years

All I did was tell my boss that, according to legend, I double in size when there’s a full moon… and I was sacked for growth myth conduct.

There are few things more awkward on a blind date than looking up from your phone to realise she’s left.

She obviously wasn’t blind at all.

Cop: can you describe the man who stole your watch?
Me: Yes, he had exceptional taste

My local radio station is asking people to send in funny photographs taken when you were pissed.

So I’ve sent in my wedding album.