ππββ¬
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Imagine a giraffe. Now imagine the giraffe trying to get on a pool float. Now put my face on the giraffe. That’s about right.
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes; now I have Heinzsight.
The experts say: “Stop shoveling snow by age 45 and no later than 55 to prevent heart attacks”.
But if you’re 65+ and still shoveling snow they say: “Shoveling snow may be great exercise”.
Last winter I risked a heart attack. This winter I’m excercising!
Child: If I was drowning at the same time as our dog, who would you rescue first?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: You, of course.
Child: That took you way too long to answer.
What the hell, Everyman Cinemas? I booked the last available seat for Tetris The Movie and the whole row disappeared.
Snake: Oh shit itβs a wolf we gotta run
Armadillo: Go on without me
Snake: no just-
Armadillo: @
Snake: Wait where the hell are you
Armadillo: @
[Kitchen]
Me: I’m a were-state. When the moon is full I turn into a US state.
Wife: No you don’t the moon is full now.
Me: *Illinois noises*
Iβm sorry I said yes when you asked if Iβm a people person, I thought you said pizza.
ME: *watching a meteor shower
METEOR: Can you get out of my bathroom.
My husband is BBQing outside in the dark, in the snow, wearing a headlamp.
Because Canadian.
My stalker just threatened to kill herself if I canβt love her back. Itβs nice when problems resolve themselves.
Unknown number calls and expects me to talk first, welcome to breathing competition.
My 3 moods:
1. I’m too tired for this shit
2. I’m too old for this shit
3. I’m too sober for this shit
Kid in park *crying* I don’t know where my mom’s gone to
Me: Oh no, that’s terrible!
Wife: Talk to him
Me: Hey kid *kneels* don’t end a sentence with a preposition
I heard recently that many people hate it when you tell them they are in your thoughts & prayers during times of difficulty.
I don’t want to be insensitive to anyone’s feelings. So from now on, I’ll just say “sucks to be you.”
Furniture Salesman: This dining table is made of solid maple and can seat up to twelve people.
Me: (Dumps two loads of laundry on top.) Iβll take it.
Me: Finally! A fridge with an automatic ice dispenser! This truly is the good life!
Also me: *reaches in to grab cubes with my hand EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.*
Not saying you’re shady but there is a family of squirrels gathered around your ankles.
THEM: Hey, I haven’t seen you for a while.
ME: As planned.
[bank robbery]
Robber 1: put money in the bag
Robber 2: how come u get to be robber 1?
Robber 4: how do u think I feel. There’s only 3 of us
I’m being stalked by my proctologist. He won’t stop colon me.
Capital punishment should only be used for people who say the meeting will end early and then run 5 minutes over.
HER: i can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: i can change, Becky
HER:
ME: into a semi truck
What if Baby Shark was by Lady Gaga? π¦β‘οΈ
{At therapists}
SIMBA: Once my dad let a monkey hold me over a cliff.
Dr Suess isnβt that special. watch this:
Iβm mad and sad and doing very bad
Penguins can’t fly. Sometimes I get bummed out thinking about that. But then I remember I don’t have to clean penguin shit off my car.
Review for this new shatter I just tried:
Thinking about how if someone stole my deck I wouldn’t be able to get into my house because the door is too high.