ππββ¬
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ME [buying a packet of bird seed] so how many birds will I be able to grow?
BREAKING: The BBC declares war on Italy
i think muppets being in horror movies would be better than the original: a thread
Fight Club, but instead of blowing up all the financial institutions, they reset all twitter follower counts back to zero.
I got a Father’s Day card from my son that says ‘You’re one of my favourite parents’ so yeah, I’m really nailing this dad thing.
interviewer: how did u hear about us
me: *sweating* w-with my ears
There has been a pencil case on the landing of my staircase for a week now. I notice it every time I go up or downstairs, but vowed not to pick it up just to see if someone else would.
There will be a Covid vaccine before this pencil case gets moved.
“You may now kiss the bride”
Wow this is the happiest day of-
*dad flies by in hot air ballon*
QUEEERR
*throws football at my head*
When accused by a woman a man’s first instinct is to deny. We’re not lying, we’re just buying time to remember what you’re talking about…
Every winter Olympic sport is just a variation of either βget down hill fastβ or βknife feetβ
Luckily my rib cage protects my heart better than my head does.
“How old are you? Wow, that’s really weird. That seems too young to be a bitch”
Draw me like one of your French Fries.
I’m having trouble perfecting my dating profile
My husband isn’t helping with the wording as much as I’d hoped
Wearing pigtails to relive my youth and scare men when I turn around.
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep. we landed a robot on mars.
Scientists today: for the last time, the earth is round.
Tammy is short for Tamuel
Breaking news: There’s been an alarming rise of close call heart attacks. The first symptom is, “you almost gave me a heart attack!”
One thing no one ever talks about being an adult is how much time you debate yourself on keeping a cardboard box because it’s, like, a really good box.
Pronounces it worst shit sure sauce.
That awkward moment when the poltergeist in the TV calls you by the wrong name.
I dropped a piece of cheese on the airplane and i know it rolled forward and some piece of shit in first class is enjoying it now
I should have seen this breakup coming…. The nicest thing she ever said to me was,
“Oh wow, that car almost hit you.β
I slept in until 9:30 this morning. But don’t be too jealous because I did it wrong and now I can’t look to the left.
Me: You shifted your bar to the rooftop from the basement?
Him:
Him: Yes, I raised the bar.
There’s a 92-year-old winning on Wheel of Fortune. When I’m 92, I’ll be happy if I still remember the letters of the alphabet.
Everyone: 2020 is gonna be my year!
Coronavirus: LOL
Stages of drunk:
– I’m not drunk.
– I’m still not drunk.
– Who’s trunk am I in?
“Yogurt!”
Gurt: “Yes?”