You Might Also Like
Me: I just heard a noise
WebMD: Cancer
Saying ‘better luck next time’
is apparently frowned upon at a funeral.
The more you know..
My son would never be living in my basement as an adult. He’s smart, ambitious, hard-working, but most of all, he knows the WiFi down there sucks.
I developed a very large vocabulary to avoid words I couldn’t spell.
YOU are cold. They have fur.
Do not let inside.
Prof. Oak: you get to travel the world
Ash: i’m a kid
Oak: catch a wild animal to protect you
Ash: that sounds dangerous
Oak: keep it caged in a ball
Ash: kinda harsh
Oak: catch’em all
Ash: you okay bro
Oak: *grabs Ash by the collar* USE THEM TO BEAT UP OTHER PEOPLES PETS
Bunch of people on here saying it’s fine to slap your kids if they can’t be reasoned with verbally. Buddy if that’s the standard I have bad news for many of you
in the 9th grade, everyone dressed up as a hero, but i didn’t. a guy i liked asked me what I was dressed as, and i said i’m dressed as your girlfriend. he skipped the next 2 days
i just want to say sorry you failed your algebra test brad but i’m still dressed as your girlfriend
🤣✨#caturday
No one in movies or TV shows ever properly freak out when they see someone eat sauce off a wooden spoon then put the spoon that they just licked back in the sauce.
[as i’m getting buried alive by a serial killer] wait stop who’s gonna feed my tamagotchis
if you don’t respond to my email when i am alive don’t expect me to reply to your ouija board questions when i am dead.
Apparently, I just ate 39 servings of Tic – Tacs.
Just remember, you’re my “plus one,” and not my “hostage.”
therapy: $90/hr
saying “it eez what it eez”: $0
People who say losing weight is “just math” clearly have no idea how far out of my way I go to avoid math.
My friends describe me as “I’m sorry, he’s not usually like this.”
My toddler just told me I’m the best mummy ever because I “bought the good cheese for once” so I’ll be riding this high until her next tantrum
If I were a literary character, I would be the grandpa in Charlie & The Chocolate Factory that doesn’t get to go
[tv announcer] Are you bloated? Tired? Unable to enjoy the activities you once loved?
[me with mouthful of chips] YEAH
I just stabbed a pin in my arm.
Somewhere out there a bunch of voodoo dolls just said ‘Ouch.’
I’m giving up sex for lent mostly because I’m not having any anyway so it seems like the easiest and most logical choice for this journey.
I called it a “housewarming party”. The District Attorney called it “aggravated arson”. Semantics.
Boarding a plane so if a flight attendant asks if there’s a doctor I’m hoping I’m not the only one
Them: You’re burnt out.
Me: Yes.T: You need a break
M: Yes.T: I’m worried.
M: Okay. Will you watch my kids for a minute?T: Hell no.
me: could you put this ring at the bottom of my date’s champagne glass
waiter: [refusing to take the funyun] no
Why do moths eat sweaters? Have they tried sandwiches or avocados
why does the radiologist run behind that wall like they just pulled the pin out of a grenade wtf
The older I get, the more I feel like the town elders in Footloose were actually pretty cool.