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I accidentally said HAIL SANTA instead of HAIL SATAN at satanic church today and now everyone is laughing at me and they took away my robes.
Barista: Name?
Me: Ursula
Barista: With an E?
Me: no, U
My ancestry DNA results came back: 100% German pancake batter
[first day of zoology class]
me: what fighting style do geese use?
professor: excuse me?
me: pandas use kung fu, what about geese
professor: i don’t think-
me: tae swan do
I like how the use of the passive implies William Shatner has no say in the matter
I can’t believe there was a time in my life when someone had to make me take a nap.
Me: Screams into the void
Void: screams back
Me: Screams into void again
Void:
Me:
Void: welp this is awkward, but I was actually screaming to the person behind you
Alfijnbahkfnbsbbakrbbjdnebzk hzueonyvag macarena yrvixndvwhkga ndhwkdbcbe hayvektoubabrjnahor
HEYYYY MACARENA
Hey Guinevere *knight flips up his visor* Hast thou considered my proposal? Because *unsheathes blade* I’m sword of a big deal.
Last week my son asked me why we don’t just call them ‘water hydrants’ and I still don’t have an answer for him.
*texts* I need you, babe. Come over now.
[20 minutes later]
Oh hi! *holds out jar* Can you open this?
Free tip for home invaders: literally everybody with an iPhone6 is out at brunch right now
“Last Christmas” is a strange song. It’s been 12 months and we’re just now addressing this situation?
Krang: My robot body will crush my enemies but they will always be reminded of my brainpower because they will see me through a window!
Henchman: In the h-
K: In the stomach, yes!
Me carrying the weight of being the funniest person in my whole family
Internet Explorer: so about last night
Me: Oh, i used you for flash.
IE: Are we back together, am i your default?
Me: don’t make this weird
The stages of sharing a vacation rental with another family are:
1. Wish we were more like them
2. At least we’re not like them
If I go missing, please understand, I have lied about my weight on my license, dramatically.
That’s great about your engagement, promotion and new car.
I grabbed the EXACT amount of hangers I needed to put away laundry.
Samsies!
The FBI’s security gets penetrated so often that we should make it an honorary Kardashian.
Not to victim blame but if cat no want be held like baby then why baby sized
My 6yo was losing in a game of air hockey with my 9yo, got frustrated and refused to continue. I tried talking to her about not giving up in these situations and she said “Well, you give up when you’re arguing with mommy.”
Sesame Street: this is an educational show
Me: oh yeah? what type of bird is that
Sesame Street: *flustered* a big one
Your baby is cute but terrible at helping me move.
Sure, intimacy is great and all, but have you ever slept diagonally on a king size bed.
If my memory foam mattress really had “memory,” it could write for Penthouse.
Moses: Thanks for the mana in the desert.
God: No problem.
Moses: But since you can make anything-
God: FOR THE LAST TIME, NO PIZZA.
me: *cracks knuckles*
bully: let’s do this
me: i would but i’ve just broken my hand