😂🖐️
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me: so this is twitter, and these are all the people who follow me
dad: and they like you?
me: haha oh goodness no
I haven’t been in my bathroom ever since my daughter told me she had “done a number four”.
It’s obvious now that democracy is a busted flush and that in future politicians should be selected via several rigorous rounds of Taskmaster.
Aoccdrnig to Ylae rseaerch, it deosn’t mtater waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are in, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is how mcuh mnoey you hvae
Calm down shouty man. I didn’t “tell” my toddler to throw chicken nuggets at joggers. She did it herself.
Forget Prince Charming. I want a bed that changes sheets daily and legs that always feel clean shaven and when the two meet each night the sleep is magical.
there are two types of people:
– someone who texts an entire paragraph before hitting send
– someone who texts that same paragraph and hits send after every third word
Dentist: this is gonna hurt a little bit
Me: ok
Dentist: I’ve been sleeping with your mom
Eat local. Your neighbor’s food.
did I “kill a plant” or did the plant not have what it takes to thrive in this fast-paced environment
First day as a vet
Him: I need you to take a look at my turtle.
Me: the reptile dysfunction?
Once I read this story abt a meth addict, she’d vacuum her whole house daily, even the walls, and that alone was enough to keep me off meth.
One of the scariest things is when you say something that forces your wife to take off her glasses before she responds.
My GPS just made a mistake and the voice said “sorry about that” and then it switched to a different persons voice for the rest of the trip??? Did…the robot…get fired??
the small child points to my head and chants, i want a balloon, i want a balloon, but changes her tune when i let my head float free
I’m no expert on bangs but I assume they’re not supposed to make you look like you have a raccoon stapled to your forehead
[on a date]
*wonders if she’ll steal my fries while I use the restroom*
*shakes Magic 8 ball*
“YES”
*takes plate of fries with me*
Do not apologize for your dog coming up to me because this is exactly what I wanted
Me: You guys wanna play house?
Them: Sure
Me, throwing the nearest kid on a gurney: We are gonna need a crash cart in here stat! WE ARE LOSING HIM! And you said you thought it was lupus.
Starting to think that having kids just to get some help around the house was a bad idea.
[punches shark on the nose[
shark: that wont stop me
me: are u crying
shark: no its always wet & salty on my face
Pixar: so it starts with the love story of childhood sweethearts Carl and Elle
Me: omg they’re perfect
Pixar: right? later he goes on a great adventure in a floating house!
Me: haha and what does she do
Pixar:
Me: Pixar what is she doing during the great adventure
“I love ribs! What are ribs, anyway? Are they like cow, or like people…or?”
-my 6yo daughter, that’s apparently not disturbed by cannibalism
Setting my phone on do not disturb because I’m about to eat nachos and want zero interruptions.
okay so let’s say one hypothetically walked outside and a frog landed on their shoulder. when shall they expect the locusts and boils?
37yo husband just bought himself clothes from Hollister. Please keep my family in your thoughts during this difficult time.
might quit my job to focus on actually putting away my laundry
I don’t have a date for Valentine’s Day so I’ll probably end up going out with the wife
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
God: *frowns*
Angel: Sorry. I thought you said let there be peas on earth.