😂🖐️
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Bartenders are just boneless bars
Give a fish a worm, he lives another day
Teach a fish to worm, he becomes the best breakdancing fish around
People on the Internet always trigger my restless-fists syndrome.
You see me wildly flailing my arms. Did I:
a) Walk through a spider web?
b) Try to wrap something in Saran wrap?
c) Try to use Scotch tape?
I’m returning this head of lettuce. It tastes awful.
“Sir, that’s a loofah.”
Oh. I’m returning this loofah. Someone took a bite out of it.
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: Nope, fluff.
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: That is a fly.
Me: SPIDER!!!
Brain: sigh. That’s your hand idiot.
*6 holding a 5 hour energy*
“Look at this teeny juice! It didn’t taste good at first but I finished it!”
Go ahead, have kids.
thanks for ruining it for the rest of us, stacey
Aww, I feel bad for never letting you win. Here, you can have my Playstation, my Xbox 360, and my Nintendo Switch!
*sniff* Don’t try to console me
My son just turned an everything bagel into an everywhere bagel.
One of my henchmen asked “ey boss what da heck does Hench mean” and I had to shoot him in front of the others. I looked up the etymology in my lair later and it was actually kinda interesting
Pisces all day: Pisces at 3am:
My time has come.
Jay-Z has an underachieving brother named Lay.
Halloween decorating with a 6yo is fun. You get to say things like “no cobwebs on the dog” and “no we’re not putting pumpkins on the roof.”
My milkshake brought a colony of extremely aggressive fire ants to my yard. 🙁
In conclusion, members of the board, I’m sorry I brought the wrong USB, & thank you for your feigned interest in my sesame street PowerPoint
Love that ‘beat the number’ electronic sign speed game!
So fun when the officer celebrates your high score with the lights & a certificate!
Revenge sounds so mean-spirited and hurtful. I prefer to think of it as returning the favor.
When I’m done eating… I have to show my hands to my cat like I’m a blackjack dealer
Theft insurance for my iPhone? Nope. I bought a protector that makes it look like a little book. Nobody steals little books.
We need a new term for “avoid it like the plague” because apparently people don’t do that
when your friend and their shitty ex get back together and you’re just waiting for things to go bad…
Wish I could cry like movie people with one graceful tear tracking down my face instead of looking like a tomato that fell on the floor.
Bad day? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Unmotivated? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Don’t like rap? Listen to 90s rap Problem solved
A warehouse is just a regular house that was bitten by a wolf under the full moon.
If you don’t answer your kid’s tenth “MOM!”, I will…and what I say will keep them awake for 3 days. Better ask “what?”
victim: *running away, singing friends theme song*
murderous villain [drops knife while clapping]: damn it, not again
I spend an awful lot of time picking the most desirable potato chips out of the bag for someone who’s going to eat them all anyway.
[throwes some foam packing peanuts into a pond]
“HEY! NO LITERING–”
shh wait
[a flock of rubber duckies float over squeaking excitedley]