😂🖐️
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A good friend will delete your browser history for you, but a best friend will make your chalk lines smaller
8yo: “I’ve put my tooth in my room but I’m not saying where – it is to see if the tooth fairy is real or not” – this shit just got real
WIFE: You promised you’d take the dog out.
ME: Okay, fine.
[later]
DOG: This is a really nice place.
ME: *looking up from menu* What are you gonna have?
Everyone is always doing laundry
*changes name to laundry
corona got the club empty asf me and the DJ just chillin listening to frank ocean with the strobe lights goin rn
[pregnant with first child]
Wife: our daughter is only going to eat organic, non-gmo, non-processed foods and drink volcanic rock filtered water from the island of Atlantis.
[two years later]
Me: our daughter just licked Cheeto crumbs off the floor.
Wife: she’s fine.
Hey, did you know that if you leave clean clothes on the floor for long enough they become dirty clothes?
“ONLY 90s KIDS WILL GET THIS” I say loudly as I gesture towards my crotch
A sense of humor is key to a good marriage. For example, my husband makes fun of himself and I laugh and he laughs. I make fun of myself and I laugh and he laughs and I go dead silent.
My toddler is practicing counting by dropping chocolate chips in my mouth and this is the kind of math I can get on board with
My son just turned an everything bagel into an everywhere bagel.
Dispatcher:
“The call is coming from inside the house!”Me, seconds from murdered:
“I have a landline?”
explaining cat scratches is like defending an abusive boyfriend to your parents “he didn’t mean it” “you guys just don’t know him like I do”
when i worked in an office i had an ’emergency google sheet’ that i kept open in a tab all day and if my boss walked by i’d switch to it from twitter and enter 69s and 420s in its cells with a look of great seriousness on my face
I went to a club called Innuendos last night. I’m banned but managed to slip in the back doors.
*Likes your fan page* *Hides activity from timeline*
Life is like a box of chocolates, once you have kids it’s gone.
Hell hath no fury like a sports bra being applied to a just showered but not 100% dry body.
My co worker managed to get the first two lines of a Christmas carol in before I pushed her out the window
I convinced my daughter (5) that the Roomba is her pet robot, so now she cleans him and feeds him. This is my greatest accomplishment as a parent. It can only go down from here.
if your best friend is whoever wishes you happy birthday first, mine is a dentist’s office i went to once 7 years ago
If you wear enough cardigans people will assume you’re smart and you can stop reading entirely.
The person who pitched the puss in boots solo movie did so with ‘shrekless abandon.’
you could’ve given me a million hints plus unlimited time and i would’ve never landed on “dua lipa and trevor noah are dating”
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: Could a drunk person do this? *I just piss my pants*
Cop: WOW. Yes actually.
Me: That was supposed to be a backflip
Stranger things? You should see Tinder.
Men, it’s really simple. We want everything, but nothing, at the same time or different times, sometimes but not always.
Strangers are friends you haven’t met yet.
Friends are lovers you haven’t kissed yet.
Lovers are corpses you haven’t killed yet.
What is with the people who leave the most random product reviews?!
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The sales clerk was wearing a red shirt. I don’t like red, especially when it’s cloudy outside. That’s why I gave this air fryer 1 star.