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[using Apple Pay]
Cashier: Tilt your phone
Me: *tilts*
Cashier: Closer
Me: Ok
Cashier: Stand on one leg
Me: Huh?
Cashier: Sing Apple Bottom Jeans
Me: What?
Cashier: Eat this apple
Before kids: My mind is a steel trap.
After kids: My mind is a steel colander.
You have to kiss a lot of short, black, flamboyant musicians before you can find your Prince.
Do not tell a kid you didn’t understand his joke unless you have 4 hours free to hear the explanation.
Realizing I’m at the age that ppl say “he started at age ___ and still became a success”
I’m not saying I spend a lot of time in the restroom, I’m just saying if you walk into my stall you can be charged with home invasion…
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
If you sleep naked, you shower in your pajamas send tweet
What the hell is going on in that bathroom?
Ramadan month is exhausting. You have to wait all day to Instagram your food.
We decided to have money instead of children.
When I was little I asked my dad if I was adopted.
Dad: LOL! Why in the world would we have chosen you?
I don’t trust rain…
Nature giving away free water like a damn hippie, instead of charging $2.99 a bottle like God intended?
Something doesn’t add up and it feels like communism
See you when you get home from school, I whisper to my kid’s apple
I might give this a try 😏
Hear me out, a leaf blower, but for people.
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Him: You not telling me I did something wrong for a whole day.
Me: no. Think of something else.
You ever walk behind someone and you haven’t seen their face yet but you just KNOW they have a mustache
I have a habit of 5 starring bad movies on amazon because if I wasted 90+ minutes on that crap, I want you to suffer too.
I’m not above selling your kidney or my oldest child for a phone charger. I mean, if it came down to it. Not just like for fun.
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: Are you Keith?
Ronald McDonald statue sitting on a bench:
[date]
Me: *ok don’t let her know I’m a bull*
Her: “so what are some red flags for you?”
Me: *sweating* “haha red flags? Where?”
[falling asleep, my hand dangles over the side of the bed]
[a pale ghostly hand emerges from under the bed, slides its cold dead fingers between mine]
Me, squeezing back: Awww.
nobody, nobody, nobody likes the guy who’s suspiciously knowledgeable about age of consent laws
DOG: *prancing and enthusiastically wagging*
WIFE: the dog got the mail again
ME: damn, why does she only chew up the ones addressed to me?
WIFE: because she knows you hate bills
ME: …
DOG: *still wagging*
ME: WHO’S A GOOD GIRL?!
“Let It Go” performed by Rose and Jack from Titanic. Mostly by Rose, though.
My boss just choked on a breath mint. It was a tough decision to do the Heimlich maneuver because he really needed that mint.
Me: “I’d like to pay by card.”
Waiter: “Contactless?”
Me: “No, you can cuddle me.”
Never play musical chairs against a person in a wheelchair. They will always beat you.
“You crazy kids sure get one hell of a sweet tooth during Halloween” I say pouring maple syrup into their bags…