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Ive always hated math because, in my head, all the word problems sounded like this:
The spaghetti envelopes are triangular. Find X.
“I’m not drunk, I’m a zombie…”
~Me passing out candy on Halloween
If by environmentalist you mean “I try to get out of doing things by saying it’s bad for the environment” then yes, I’m an environmentalist.
medusa: look into my gaze
me:
dwayne johnson: did it do anything?
When I play the kazoo, I play to win
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
When my 7yo was 5 she found a cape in my drawer. I told her I was a superhero and to keep it a secret. At random she would whisper “I know your secret” and it would freak me out, how much does this kid know!? Then I would remember the cape incident.
[first date]
HER: What are you doing with the Tupperware?
ME: [filling container] The sign says ‘All You Can Eat’, it doesn’t specify when
Me: I hate being quarantine alone. I wish I lived with someone.
Mom: take your father, he’s driving me insane
Me: I’m good
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: Prince William should rent out some rooms in Kensington Palace to tourists. Call it Heirbnb.
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’
Elmo: Elmo says this just him coping
Oscar: I don’t care, it’s morbid and- oh hey Bert
Bert: Ahem *nods to jar under arm*
Oscar: Hey Urn-ie
You can’t hurt my feelings, pffft, I have three kids
me (stepping out of time machine): I come from the future!
soldier: oh, great! we could use your help. thousands of us have died in this war for a treasure called “salt”
me: what, like table salt?
soldier: ? why do you call it that
me:
soldier: Why do you call it that.
My daughter turns 3 today. Due to our tight budget, we’re not telling her.
Brain: that was a good cookie
Body: here’s 4 pounds
If I don’t get ordained as a priest and install a mirror in my confessional I’ll never forgive myself.
When I count my blessings, I count you twice, subtract 4, multiply by 8, and divide by 15 because I don’t know how math or blessings work.
*takes all the free samples from the deli counter*
~ adds Freelance Cheese Taster to my resumé
it’s cool how the members of Anonymous are so good at computer stuff, but also wrote so many great poems and inspirational quotations.
[alarm clock goes off]
ok it’s happening again
it’s a day and it’s here again
*googling*
day again why
how to unsubscribe days
“And this is Flegh, Fnnnr, Grmm, Jsssh and Jhee-Jo.” (What My Brain Hears When Introduced to a Group of People)
The enemy of my enemy is my friend. But I’m my own worst enemy so I guess I’m also my best friend.
me: want to go to the ice rink?
friend: i can’t stand ice skating
me: you’ll be able to with practice
Breaking Bad is my favorite documentary about what it takes to be an entrepreneur while balancing family life.
Them: Come out with us tonight. You might meet your future husband.
Me: Why are you threatening me?
4: Mom, how long was dad inside you?
Me:
4: Mom???
Me: What the f-
4: Well??? How long was he inside you before you had him?
Me: Oh honey no I didn’t birth your dad, grandma did!
ORANGUTAN ADOPTS THREE TIGER BABIES
Thanks for the awesome options, autocorrect
AI could never write that episode of Bones where the serial killer imprinted malware onto the victim’s bones, so when they got scanned in the lab the computers got a virus and set themselves on fire
I miss the days when Twitter fights were about whether to pour the milk first or the cereal.