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I am SO DONE WITH MEN. Most of them, anyway. At least one of them. I am SO DONE WITH AT LEAST ONE OF THE MEN.
I go trick or treating dressed as a postman early in the morning and do the postman’s exact route one house ahead so no one trusts him.
Bigfoot keeps his legs in shape by doing sasquats
why am i having trouble navigating this map??
Hey you mystery solving kids, your dog talks. Have you ever considered the possibility that he too is a cranky old dude in a rubber mask?
Spent 5 minutes enjoying the smoothest shave of my life before realizing I forgot to take the plastic cover off the razor.
[my funeral]
college professor(standing over my casket): I just want to remind you that attendance is a big part of your final grade.
[in the ambulance]
Paramedic: what’s your blood type?
Me: whatever. I’m not fussy
My teenaged daughter just asked me how to spell U2.
Fingers crossed for that athletic scholarship.
“Done the ad yet?”
“Yes, it’s already up.”
“Great. And you remembered the names of all the dinosaurs?”
“More or less”
you ever think about how “welp” is just the modern English version of “alas”
no one warned me parenting would include being held hostage until I find an acceptable answer to what unicorns eat
My son found me crying in the kitchen, wrapped his arms around me and whispered, “Is it because of your hair?” Now I’m crying for two reasons.
My husband is mad at me because I’m finger quotes “condescending”.
Good News: It wasn’t a colon polyp.
Bad News: somewhere, a craigslist escort is missing a press-on nail.
Lifeguards should focus more on water safety and less on me laying eggs in the sand.
Of course I can handle constructive criticism
*resents you for the next 50 yrs
I am not the kind of girl you can take home to your wife.
Ladies: The “silent treatment” is not a punishment. Try the “sit next to him and cry and or frown excessively treatment” instead.
oooh pretty wing tattoos on your back, do they symbolize how you have no idea how big wings need to be to carry your weight
been doing nothing but overeating and avoiding exercise since this quarantine started and for the last 10 years before that
my name if I was in the mob
I don’t work from home because there are too many distractions. My house has a TV and a PlayStation and it’s impossible to concentrate on these if I have to work.
would be a terrible security guard. too easily bribed. I’d be out there saying “and these potato chips you offer, are they flavoured?”
Cashier: Your total is $2,334.00.
Me: Can you take off the avocado?
Cashier: Okay, that will be $2.00.
I remember when all this was farmland!
*gestures toward internet*
Waiter: How would you like your Martini, Sir?
007: Shaken…
Andre 3000: Like a Polaroid picture
“I believe I can fry” – R Kelly filling out McDonald’s application
thinking about this
