馃槀馃槀
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Is that a banana in your pocket because to be honest my potassium is really low and
Well, I was having a good day until my son opened up his backpack & handed me a fundraiser envelope.
Adam: are you naked?
Eve: yeah I don鈥檛 give a fig
[on date]
*okay don’t let her know you’re a T-Rex*
Her: Can you pass the salt please?
Me: Crap…
I think between the two of them, Kim & Kanye had enough money for a box of condoms.
“Uh, Mom?” said my 6 year old. “Look at your child.”
So I looked, and there, sitting cross-legged in a miniature lawn chair, was my 2 year old drinking A1 sauce straight out of the bottle.
馃憖
Just getting romantic with the wife when our slow cooker set off our smoke alarm so yes, I was crock blocked.
*hit man puts on silencer*
*shoots gun*Gun: YOUR HAIR SMELLS NICE LIKE MY MOMS
Wth?
*looks at case*
Oh I brought the awkward silencer
If you鈥檙e bringing an acoustic guitar camping it will be used as firewood.
We need a name for our store that shows we’re on the cutting edge of technology.
“How about Radio Shack?”
Perfect.
[speed dating]
*takes his temperature*
my kids figured out the password to my wife’s computer and have been sending me these texts as if they were from her
In case of an emergency, eat fried chicken.
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I鈥檓 getting a little worried about my cake.
(Puckers up & makes best kissy face)
Officer taking mugshot: Stop that.
Instead of a vasectomy they should have just called it a spermaban.
Dear kangaroos, what鈥檚 stopping you from looking like this?
My husband has forbidden me to go to Costco when I鈥檓 hungry. I don鈥檛 understand. How hard is it to eat 47 rotisserie chickens?
everybody freaking out about these UFOs as if it wasnt just that the aliens heard rihanna was performing this week
Me: Evil always thinks it鈥檚 doing right
My boss: I am just asking you to put your air-pods away for the meeting!!!
I built an electric fence around my house. My neighbour is dead against it.
*scream sings THERE GOES MY HERO*
Hey where’s Brian?
“Oh he’s taking a p_ _p”
A what?
“Um dropping a d_ _c_”
Huh?
“Taking a sh_t….Uhh Cr_p!”
Oh! He’s evacuating his vowels?
Objects in the mirror may appear like you’ve been depressed and have eaten a lot the last 3 years.
[morning after getting drunk]
age 23: did i make out with that guy
age 36: did i wash my face
How a career in technical writing ruined me as a letter writer
My son said, “If you had to lose one sense, what would it be?” Without missing a beat, my daughter said taste. Which would have been fine had we not been eating the dinner that I made.