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Hi, I’d like to order a baby
“Excuse me?”
It says here you deliver babies?
“Sir this is a hospital”
[vampire quickly hangs up phone]
[doctor hooking wires to my chest]
ME: What are you doing?
DOC: Echocardiogram
ME: cardiogram cardiogram cardiogram this is a weird test
Well, sure, if I was a 22 year old hottie I’d tweet sexy stuff, but I’m a 47 year old married woman with 5 kids. I tweet despair.
Van Gone
I went to bed last night and my brother came out of the closet and scared the shit out of me, I forgot we were playing hide and seek…
Some of y’all expect more from a retail employee than of your elected officials
So weβre agreed: if that balloon flies over any of us, we moon it like itβs 1978
Me: Please be quiet. Iβm trying to hear this show.
3-year-old: OK
*breaks into song*
*turns on every talking toy*
*detonates fireworks*
“You take pills because you’re crazy”
“No MOM, I take pills because they make me tolerant of crazy people that don’t take pills”
[first date]
ME: Do you want children?
HER: Yes!
ME: Me too.
HER: Thatβs great!
ME: [gestures to next table] How βbout those?
HER: What-
ME: *whispers* Where are you parked?
Hockey is a sport where people use feet knives to walk so they can score a goal with a tiny hamburger.
Who called it med school and not the I.V. League
Everyone is at the store buying milk and bread to prepare for the snow. I’m buying frozen pizza. Enjoy your milk sandwiches, losers!
See that sad girl up on the hill with tears ?
That’s not me..I’m the one over there running away from a goose with a corn dog in my hand.
[slight drizzle outside]
Other motorists: oh no ah what is this wetness I forget how to drive
If I were a cop, I’d focus on the people going the speed limit. They’re the ones with something to hide.
[2 toads chillin’]
Yo, we should start a rumor that if u lick us you’ll get high.
“Whaaaat, that’s genius.”
We gonβ get mad licked, son.
The D word that everyone’s been feeling at work is depression. I guessed the wrong word, apparently.
Aaaaand there’s HR calling me. Brb.
Losing your phone is the adult version of having your balloon fly away.
γ €
Siri, what kind of candy is in that van?
I like to take long walks away from stupid people
[pulled over]
ME: Ok, don’t let him know you’re an alligator
COP: Sir, step out of the car & walk in a straight line
ME: [exhale] thank Godβ¦
What is a magic bullet?
A. A theory about the assassination of Kennedy.
B. A fancy blender
C. A fancy blender that assassinated Kennedy
If my memory gets any worse I’ll be able to plan my own surprise party
Teens running from a party after the cops get called invented parkour
Kids love retelling stories about times they threw up
Tornadoes are the most relaxing things in the news.
[after the thousandth time making a mess while cooking eggs]
ME: there’s gotta be a better way!
WIFE: *hands me a pan* stop using the toaster dumbass
My babyβs daycare teacher said tomorrow is pajama day which is awkward because I send him wearing pajamas every day