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thanks for your constructive criticism! i hated it and will be telling my mom about this
I normally don’t brag when I go to expensive places, but I just left the gas station..
Me after learning something literally 5 min ago:
Everybody else who doesn’t know this thing is an idiot
HAGRID: You’re a wizard, Harry.
ME: I’m not Harry.
H: Henry, you’re, there’s a blizzard.
M: Are you drunk?
H: Glenn, I’m a tugboat.
*on a first date*
Me: I’m in financ-
Her: oh finance that’s cool
Me: ial debt. Crippling financial debt
me: *stepping out of a time machine* I hope I didn’t change anything
t-rex wearing a little lab coat: me too
[intercom]
Please stop putting clown shoes on the sacrificial goat. The ritual is in 3 days & the other cults aren’t taking us seriously.
The best thing about working at my office is that you can literally use as much toilet paper as you want in the restroom.
Doctor: I’m afraid you’re dying
Me: And there’s no cure?
Doctor: Yes just cut out pizza and chocolate
Me: I can’t believe there’s no cure
In Canada, street racing is just people competing to see who can dig their car out of the snow first.
Hostess:There’s a 45 min wait
Me:Do you know who I am? I have THOUSANDS of followers!
H:Let me ask my manager
*2 min later
H:It’ll be 43 min
I’ve always been such a “waiting for the other shoe to drop” type of girl.
I’ve decided I’m now going to be the “throw the shoe at your head and run first” kind of girl.
The veggies I bought 3 weeks ago as I reach for another pudding
my friends: omg how are you!
me: i wronged the gods in all my past lives and i once again have only bad news
i’ll have the chicken finger platter & my lovely wife will have
*hands over coupon
something of equal or lesser value
it’s okay if the earth is flat i’m round enough for both of us
Gotta be tough for the guy somewhere who has to say “yeah, she left me for Charles Manson.”
Driving in Europe vs Canada
Invasion? No, the Aliens are here for an Intervention.
Material possessions mean nothing to me.
*breaks phone*
I don’t think I can make it through this week.
date: I like men who aren’t afraid to take risks
me: [to waiter] horse please
I presented pragmatic, irrefutable facts and felt confident I made my case, but my dog would have none of it.
I would like to think that I’ll die a heroic death but it’s more likely I’ll trip over my dog & choke on a spoonful of frosting.
Last week, my dog rolled a ball into a sewer drain and it was gone. I just found it on the street. What is the clown-thanking etiquette?
Why do paintings of people centuries ago never show pimples? Ur telling me these people who drank shit water and took baths 2x a decade had clear skin?
*answers every how are you with, “I don’t know, I don’t speak to me anymore.”
Hey man be careful taking a nap. One of my buddies had a dream where he was getting chased around
Sorry, Tim. The Zoom meeting gods demand a sacrifice and you have the most annoying voice in the department.
S/o to @funTweeters .