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Big props to the guy who realized we don’t need to mention air in the word airplane and started saying plane.
Lifting my wife’s wedding veil and finding out she’s Darth Maul
Before I die, I’m going to arrange for a friend to take my phone, and after the funeral, text everybody to say “thanks for coming” and other assorted messages of appreciation.
It looks like our local Walgreens is dressing up as Christmas for Halloween.
4-year-old: Tell me a scary story!
Me: One time little people popped out of your mom and they never stopped asking questions.
4: Why?
I like to make things awkward at family gatherings by walking up behind each person and whispering ‘I know what you did last Christmas’
You can’t spell fries without friends. I guess what I’m saying is that fries are friends. Delicious friends.
The deep ocean is so mysterious. Sharks and octopuses could be down there having dance battles and we’d never know. We’d never know.
Read my skeleton’s diary today. Anyone know what “loathsome flesh blanket” means?
Amaranth, bulgur, kamut, quinoa.…a list of ancient grains sounds suspiciously like an list of Elder Gods.
been making coffee at home instead of getting starbucks for two months which according to economists should’ve made me a billionaire by now so what is happening
*buys dog organic, free-range, non-nitrate chicken treats for $7.99, buys self Big Mac
Coworker – Have you ever gotten Covid?
Me – Does my gut look like I’ve ever lost the sense of taste or smell?
JUDGE: so u plan to plead insanity?
ME: let me double-check with my counsel
*A googly-eyed sock puppet whispers in my ear*
ME: yes ur honor
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship
Emails from your boss assigning you work do not qualify as cyber bullying.
I checked.
Who the friggin hell buys a cat? There are cats everywhere. You just let one into your home and it becomes your cat.
BOSS: I set up a Suggestion Box. Please don’t hesitate to-
ME: [staring directly at boss while slowly stuffing cream cheese bagel into box]
The final exam for police service dogs to remain calm in front of a cat, Germany, 1987.
Yes I have strong principles, no they do not guide my behavior in any way. And that’s Valid.
Expectant Parent: What’s it like being a parent?
Me: Have you ever wrestled an alligator covered in vaseline?
Expectant Parent:
Me: Don’t worry, you’ll learn.
Me: I am a logical and rational fully grown adult.
Also me: I must run as fast as I can up the stairs after I’ve switched the light off at night so no monsters can grab me by the ankles.
Joined a street protest.
Suddenly a shot, panic and everybody started running.
3 hours and a gold medal later I realised it was a marathon
Pretty lame how horses and dogs don’t capitalize on their ability to wear 2 pairs of jean shorts at once
[gets pulled over for driving in the HOV lane alone] BEETLEJUICE BEETLEJUICE BEETLEJUICE
[cop walks up] what the heck
Superman could have become a doctor, using his x-ray vision to detect life threatening tumors. But no, we really needed another journalist.
why did I just deep clean my entire apartment before the john mulaney and chappell roan saturday night live episode like they’re physically coming over
I’m at my most superstitious when there’s no wood in sight so I knock on paper three times. Hey, it’s made from trees and I don’t want to jinx myself.
What do you call a frog stuck in the mud?
Unhoppy.
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