😂😂😂
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[steps on scale]
Me *shrugs*: New year, more me
Heckling someone at their third wedding automatically removes you from their fourth wedding invitee list
The more you know
My 5yo asked me if we could go to someone else’s house because he says we go to our house a lot
As I was leaving the car wash, a guy that works there told me to “have a day” and I thought, you know what, I will.
#WhatMostWomenWant A man with a vibrating penis.
Okay I try very hard to be respectful of the gentle parenting camp but I laughed out loud at this.
Are you watching Point Break or The Fast and the Furious?
When you wish upon a star your feet burst into flame and you realize it was a dumb place to stand.
dad: *hands me a taser* only use this on someone who you’re sure is going to hurt you
me: *immediately tases myself*
i unknowingly took my toddler to the museum with a shirt pocket full of scrambled eggs
Take your girl camping and your relationship will become more in tents.
Not Sorry.
It finally happened, someone filming for their man on the street interview tiktok series at washington square park accidentally approached another person there trying to film a man on the street interview tiktok series
Every day, thousands of innocent plants are killed by vegetarians….
Help end the violence!!!
Eat BACON!!
ME: Can I have the job please
INTERVIEWER: I meant, like, questions ABOUT the job
ME: Ah, yes. About the job: Can I have it
People love Count Chocula and Frankenberry, but I can’t get anyone to try Night of the Lemon Dead or Texas Chainsaw Massacrunch.
Finally cleaned out the fridge to make meal planning easier. Tonight, we’re having buttered olives with mustard and baking soda.
Each week our panel of 3 celebrity chefs compete to create the ultimate final meal for a death row inmate on LAST SUPPER, this fall on FOX
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips during a bank robbery*
“Your present is too big and weirdly shaped to wrap. Oh! What if I buried it in the yard?!” -me, genuinely, earlier today. Wife said no.
When I was a kid I vowed that when I grew up my freezer would always be filled with ice cream bars.
Meet my wife, the dream killer.
Stegosaurus: We’re getting reports of a huge asteroid. A global killer. We need a volunteer deep-core driller to destroy it
T-Rex: As the world’s best deep-core driller, I will save us all
[cut to T-Rex furiously trying to pick up the detonator he dropped]
Pretty sure the guy infront of me at McDonald’s ordered the rest of the food.
“Steak and Shake” great burgers and also a good way to kill baby vampires.
My girlfriends good traits :
She’s gorgeous, insatiable, loves me and has a Dragon.
Bad traits : She’s imaginary, but I tolerate this because of the Dragon.
My dentist told me I need a crown. I was like I KNOW, RIGHT?
Thought I was having the worst day a person could have and then heard the guy in the next stall whisper to himself, “Well, that can’t be good.”
*walks in house wearing a large neck brace*
oh no, what happened?
“my earbud cord got caught on a chair while I was walking”
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would just have two dinners.
HAPPY EARTH DAY!
Suck it, Neptune.