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When you’re attracted to someone and you don’t even know why, that’s called chemystery
,,,and send
I treat going to a therapist like going to a mechanic. “So, It’s been making some odd sounds and I’m sure it’s on the verge of a breakdown.”
They should get rid of red light cameras and replace them with big walls that pop up at the intersection that you slam into if you run the light
βNotice the way he uses colors.β
βHow??β
By a show of hands, how many of you are raising your hands?
Me: I am excited for our date tonite, I am going all out.
Her: Don’t go nuts just keep it casual.
Me:
Hotel room coffee is still better than that whole relationship with you
Trump wants to ban Muslims but if we learned anything from Prohibition it’s that people will just make Muslims in their bathtubs.
Premarital counseling should be having the couple put together IKEA furniture with limited Wi-Fi connection. #weddingparty #romance
[throws dirty diaper away]
– OMG WHAT R U DOING?!
– it’s gross im not touching that
– GET THE BABY OUT OF THE TRASH & CHANGE IT!
– ugh, fine
Facebook…because you need to get into a political argument with someone you havenβt seen since the sixth grade.
Thereβs a stomach bug going around the daycare. I took the elevator with a dad whoβd had it just the day before. He gave this strain rave reviews. He threw up just once after dinner and then was completely fine.
I canβt wait for my familyβs turn.
Me: Whatβd you do this weekend?
Her: I got a henna tattoo.
Me: (picturing a chicken with body art) Like for her birthday or something?
“Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?β
Lucifer: Are you hitting on me?
ME: what’s wrong with my dog
VET: he appears perfectly healthy
ME: i give him a stick and he just stares at it
VET: …
ME: even if I go long, he refuses to throw it
[Breakfast]
My Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *spreading toothpaste on toast* Multitasking.
“Wait, let me explain..”
One day Iβm gonna write a book about a recipe blogger that confesses to murder in every single recipe on their website but they never get caught because no one reads the 12 pages of text before the recipe.
Ok, Don’t let them know you’re an egg
“Mr Yolk, you are 20 minutes late for this interview”
[drags on cig] I was getting laid by a chick
I’m white, but not like “has a golden retriever named Chance” white.
*fakes headache to get out of work*
*updates resume with βproficient at adapting previously learned skills to new tasksβ*
[Restaurant]
Date: I like guys who plan ahead
Me: Excuse me, waiter! *Leans in* Make sure my widow here is well looked after
Weβre over here teaching our kids math and history when what we really need to be teaching them is how to open a package or box of food without mangling it beyond recognition.
*throws keys at nearest sober person*
DRIVE ME HOME PEASANT
How much did Santa pay for his sleigh.
Nothing, it was on the house.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
My Quarantine Routine:
8:30 get woken up by dogs
8:40 let dogs out
8:52 let dogs in
11:51 let dogs out
12:20 let dogs in
4:47 let dogs out
4:59 let dogs in
7:14 let dogs out
7:38 let dogs in
8:16 let dogs out
8:18 let dogs in
10:20 let dogs out
10:25 let dogs in
1. have a child
2. never mention it on facebook
3. dress it in old-timey clothes and have it stand in the background of all your photos
Don’t perform CPR because you never know when a giant alien spider is dressed in a human suit.