๐๐๐
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Watching my roommate mow the grass and pretending I’m at a fancy hotel. Saying things like “they do a beautiful job here”
This summer, camp counselors all over the country will shine flashlights under their chins and read the headlines.
Congratulations on being hired by Super Cuts & welcome to day 1 training.
Let’s get started
These are called scissors
*collective aww*
[wife gets home & sees shit on the rug]
What’s this?“It was Rover he w..”
*dog makes throat slice gesture*“It was me. I shit on the rug”
Me: What are we doing for Valentineโs Day?
My Husband: Raising three kids
[After winning an award]
Host: Is there anyone you would like to thank?Me *smiles at my wife and kids in the crowd as I lean into the mic* no
8 y/o: [rinsing butter off a knife] Whenever I do this I feel like Iโm a blacksmith again.
Iโm sorry what now?!
Autocorrect is changing correctly spelled words. I’m starting to think it has a mind of its AUTOCORRECT IS HARMLESS. GO ABOUT YOUR BUSINESS.
My birthstone is a sushi roll.
Ma’am, nowhere on the perfume bottle does it say “marinate in”
[hunting]
“In order to attract the stag, I perform the special call”
[clears throat, cups hands round mouth]
“COME OVER HERE, ANTLER JERK”
Could a murderer do THIS?
*lawyer points to defendant doing cool tap dance*
I remind the jury that only guilty feet have got no rhythm.
Though this is probably not what Nietzsche had in mind, you cannot unsee this
If I vaped, I would 100% become a ninja so I could disappear into a cloud of strawberry watermelon.
i enjoy video games because they let me live out my wildest fantasies, like being assigned a task and then completing that task
menโs fashion peaked in 1838
Trying to sound casual. Yes just message me when you set off whenever. Iโm not running around like a headless chicken trying to make my house look like it hasnโt exploded honest.
Before I die I want to be chased through the back of a Chinese restaurant.
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
Dance like no one’s a werewolf. Eat like you found it in the couch. Shout like your cat’s sleeping. Feel good like a bossy poem told you to.
[The year was 2050]
โGrandpa why are you sitting outsideโ
โThere was a time when this was illegal you knowโ
My wife asked me to bring her home a dozen Roses, and I really hope she appreciates the gesture, because it took 9 hours, 5 nursing homes, and 2 church bingo games to collect them all.
The wife says she’s at the end of her rope, I guess I’ll put rope on my shopping list.
It’s important to remember where you parked the get away vehicle.
It’s Election Eve, Not Election and Steve!
Sure, intimacy is great and all, but have you ever slept diagonally on a king size bed.
If you live alone and you have pets they don’t know your name
A good rule is to check the recall list before opening a bag of romaine lettuce. Check it again after making the salad. Check once more tableside.
“You have a Master’s degree”, I whisper to myself as I struggle to find the end of a roll of tape.
I’m tired of explaining myself. Someone else do it for me.