😂😂😂
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Never trust a woman sucking a candycane into a sword.
Our friend in New Zealand wished my 8yo a happy birthday the night before her birthday. I tried explaining time zones to her but all she heard is Liz is from the future.
AI is that friend who is always there for you but gives terrible advice.
I have the ‘Luck of the Irish!’ Unfortunately it’s the ‘Great Potato Famine’ era ‘Luck of the Irish’.
Me: Just once?
Dog:
Me: Please?
Dog:
Me: Say, “I’m a law-biting citizen”
Dog: That’s not water in your cup, is it?
🤣🤣💀
Airport prices are crazy. 5 billion dollars? For an airport?
*watching a cop walk past during drug deal*
ok relax, just be cool.. “bonjour mademoiselle how much of le methamphetamine dost thou fancy”
i got you a candy necklace for a present but then something happened so i got you this string instead
I bet Eve bit that apple because she knew she was going to get a bunch of clothes out of it.
Crouching tiger, public toilet seat.
for a small fee i’ll attend your funeral from a distance wearing a black leather catsuit while standing in the rain and crying, no umbrella, so your family thinks you could have been batman.
Why are there commentators for televised sports?
We can figure out what’s going on live, but can’t while watching it on tv?
I was gonna say “that’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard” but, I wanna wait to hear what you have to say next..
#CancelDJDarrellRipley
Trump says he’ll make Oasis pay for a wonder wall.
If I were a bumblebee, this leg hair would be an asset.
When someone compliments me on here, my gut reaction is to say, “YEAH OKAY AND WHAT IF I’M A CATFISH?!”
…I am not a catfish.
Why am I like this?
An app..
An app that reminds you, no matter how ugly you are.. someone far far away wants to bang you.
-Twitters new slogan
Any bar is a karaoke bar if you’re drunk enough.
It’s easy to watch movies on this plane! Just download our app, set your phone to airplane mode, turn on your wifi, select our wifi, go to our website, enter in the special key, add a photo of your driver’s license, enter your social security number twice, give us your first born.
*At demonstration
*grabs megaphone – stands on car
‘DOES ANYONE HAVE AN iPHONE CHARGER?’
Pilots just fly straight into them clouds init, they don’t even know what’s in them. Could be bricks
You got 30 minutes to text me back or I’m breaking into your house & responding to myself.
Me: You can’t honestly expect me to believe this house isn’t haunted; I can see the ghost walls from here.
Realtor: Those are windows.
Me: *yells something
Wife: I can’t hear you
Me: *whispers something under my breath
Wife: I heard that!!
Casting agent: If we hire you at SNL what would you like to accomplish?
Me: Staying up past 10:00.
College Math: Your kid lives in a dorm room the size of a matchbox. When she moves home, her belongings fill every inch of an entire house. How is it possible? Calculator allowed. Show your work.
the wife told me that we’re invited to a country themed party so I’m wearing this
Sorry I started scratching your bug bite as I asked if it still itches.