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HER: iβm leaving you
HIM: is it because we canβt have children or my obsession with The Princess Bride?
HER: both
HIM: [under breath] inconceivable
Me: Somewhere out there my soulmate is watching this same murder documentary and eating a block of cheese in her sweatpants
My husband:
Stay in milk
Brush your school
Drink your teeth
Don’t do sleep
And get eight hours of drugs
Every day is a whodunit mystery when you have kids.
Dr: Does it hurt when I do this?
Me: Yes, a bit
Dr: And now?
Me: Yes, that’s very painful. Please stop showing me photos of you and my ex
A good hack to make my house look clean and tidy in the evening is to turn all the lights off.
[flying to Vegas]
TSA agent: The metal detector is going crazy. Do you have any metal on you?Me: Just my lucky rabbitβs foot key chain, my lucky penny, my lucky bronzed four-leaf clover and my lucky horseshoe.
Aww my microbiome fancies some high quality fermented foods does it? A little kombucha perhaps? I donβt give a shit, Iβm the megabiome, I do what I want. Iβm having a fanta lemon. Iβll swallow coins
I’m 5’4″ – if I was supposed to be the bigger person, God would have made me taller
My birth certificate is far and away my most impressive swimming certificate.
Beethoven: hey everybody, this next songβs called “FΓΌr Eliseβ
Elise: omg, we broke up 6 months ago, get over urslf
B: SHUT UP ELISE I LUV U
King: The son of God will be born! We need 4 wise men to shop for gifts!
“I’ll get gold”
“Frankincense”
“I’ll get myrrh”
Me: Can babies vape?
King: Actually 3 wise men is fine
George refuses to date a woman when he sees her on 2 different dating apps. G:βItβs too desperate.β J:βHowβd you find out?β G:βIβm on both.”
[Pixar Studios]
HIRING MANAGER: Your resume says you have prior experience with animation, is that correct?
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: Yes
Once a year on our shared birthday, my longtime ex texts me & we exchange simple wishes.
This year he added that he has overcome his longtime aversion to feta cheese, so I replied good, feta is delicious you still haunt my dreams.
I wonder if dogs get embarrassed when they have to stand that way and shit in front of everybody. I know I do.
I’m only listening outside the bathroom door to make sure you’re not touching the decorative hand towels.
My kids don’t drive me to drink. Can’t wait until they get their license and they can though.
[During Sex]
“Hurry up, this isn’t really my house.”
Storm Tropical Storm
moderator: your word is βimpatientβ
sloth: can you use it
moderator: in a sentence yes βi am growing imp-β
sloth: in a
moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
sloth: oh great thank you
moderator: what the
*in a fight with my dr boyfriend*
HIM: I’m sorry about last night.
ME: *takes a bite of an apple*
How bad is it, doc?
“Well, you’ll never run again”
So basically the same
Me: please tell me my future, madame
Palm reader: *studies my hand* it says ‘lots of seks and the good cheeses’
Me: awesome
Palm reader: in sharpie
Me: yeah
Palm reader: you’re going to die alone
Should I ever become president everyone who uses the word βbaeβ will be sterilized.
Moms. The original autocorrect.
I don’t like to say something is “strong enough to kill a horse” because I have horses and I’ve had to call a vet twice because a horse “swallowed hay wrong.”
Parenting makes total sense when youβre doing it but probably seems weird from the outside. My wife just hid a pair of my toddler’s pants because βthey were too much dramaβ and that explanation seemed totally reasonable to me.
I like to think of brunch as the purest form of anarchy. Want a burger between 2 waffles? Go for it. Scrambled eggs on a brownie? Heck yeah! Toss some onion rings in those Froot Loops, you are ungovernable. For 90 glorious minutes, all rules of polite society have been suspended.
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