You Might Also Like
Puts fitbit on dogs collar. Throws the ball around. Sits on the couch and eat chips. Wins all the challenges
I’m sorry for the things I said about you when I was hungry.
*doesn’t tweet for months*
*deep breath*
*cracks knuckles*Do you think Scooby Doo was supposed to be Scooby Dog and it was just a typo
I’ve finally found a place that sells peanut butter by the splat
On predisents day we honor the big US man himself: Aberham Liclon. Tall, skinny, dry, and cruncy – he was america’s carrot
Cop: “License and registration please.”
*opens glove compartment and a harmonica falls out*
Me: “I swear to God, officer! That isn’t mine!”
[robbers outside bank]
When I said get some masks I meant something creepy like wolf masks
“But can’t u feel your pores really opening up?”
It’s so cute how my kids think I’m going to go look for them after I finish counting to ten.
[ Medical Website to retrieve your STD test results ]
**SIGN IN WITH FACEBOOK**
Two days ago: omg, I’m so glad I found my watch, I’ll never misplace it again!
Today: *has zero clue where the hell my watch is*
Why is “Dark” spelled with a K, and not a C ?
Because you can’t C in the dark.
95% of your time as a parent is spent trying to figure out who broke it, who stole it and who ate it
*aggressively waits in line*
[at dog park]
ME: it’s ok, she’s friendly.
THEM: is, is that a crab?
ME: yep. She’s a purebred. Her name is Clawdrey Hepburn. She’s 2.
Well, well, well. Guess who the grocery store asked to come back soon
*interrogating cat*
Admit it! You’re a Communist!
“Meow”
A no-good red!
“Meow”
Tough guy eh?
“Meow”
We can do this all night.
“Mao”
You–wait
Ditching twitter and becoming a LinkedIn influencer who only posts things like “Didn’t write a cover letter? Then you didn’t want the job.”
My husband washed my favorite sweatshirt (he’s so sweet) and I said please don’t put it in the dryer, it will shrink.
Husband, taking clothes out of the dryer an hour later, “Here’s your favorite sweatshirt I washed for you! It looks smaller though, weird.”
It’s all fun and games until you realize he understands Spanish.
“The floor is larva.”
– Indiana Jones, entering the Temple of Doom
Whoever coined the term sticktoitiveness really got away with some bullshit there
[ouija board] hi grandma, i hope your in heaven and i love you
“..y..o..u..’r..e..”
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
Her: Hi hun.
Atilla: [under breath] I told you not to call me that in front of the men. It might stick.
The job market has never been worse and LinkedIn still thinks it’s smart to send notifications like “you got a message! It’s an ad btw!” If this website existed in the physical realm I would hit it with my car
me: this could’ve been an email
[gets email]
me: no not like that
After years of intense research, I have come to the conclusion that dryer lint is actually the cremated remains of all my other socks.
AVENGERS ASSEMBLE
THOR – “here”
HULK – “here”
IRON MAN – “here”
CAPT. AMERICA – “here”
USELESS ARROW GUY – …
I SAID-
HAWKEYE- I HEARD YOU
My anaconda don’t want none unless you got a suitable living environment for him, a terrarium with a heat lamp, some small rodents, etc.
“Time is of the essence”
Twitter: Hahaha nope