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Me, abandoning the call I’m making after two unanswered rings: “well, I tried my absolute best to reach them, not sure what more I could’ve done”
CHEF: You’re fired
ME: Is it cause I call beef patty’s “beef patricias?”
CHEF: Yes
ME: Can I have some Switzerland cheese bef-
CHEF: GET OUT
me: hey big boy
friend: please don’t talk to the Lincoln memorial like that
Pro Tip:
If you stab yourself in the thigh with your pen you get to leave the meeting.
Mickey Mouse’s pants out of context look like something that would try to kill Mario.
Decided to eat outside and a gust of wind just blew half my salad away. Welcome to British summer.
*ties a little bow around insect’s head, presents lovely gift to Canadian entomologist*
Pretty fly for a white guy.
energy cannot be created nor destroyed
Your third emoji is.. Just kidding. I’m an adult.
it’s so crazy how the abbreviation for pound is lb and everyone is like yeah sure ok
New medication warning label says not to take in the presence of two or more goats.
friend: i really need your advice
me finishing a bottle of wine while stalking all the girls my ex follows on IG: yes of course, you’ve come to the right person
They say you become what you hate and so I am terrified I’m going to become a young, vibrant beautiful man who’s loathful life is full of undeserved luck and success.
Twitter: Cause why drunk dial one person when you can drunk dial the world?
“Vintage designer purses are not a retirement plan,” says my accountant while rubbing his temples.
Guys if you are into a girl you have to be confident enough to look her right in the eye on her Facebook profile pic & press the Like button
I went to the house I grew up in and asked if I could have a look around. They said no and slammed the door. My parents can be so freaking rude…
The proper way to handle accidentally walking in on your coworker in the bathroom is to wait till they’re out and then let them see you using the eye wash station
crush: i really like music
me: *gets jealous of music and rips off crushes ears*
Ok… (slowly closes laptop and hurls it into the sea)
When you realize your football team sucks, and you just ate an entire bag of Halloween candy.
*stomps feet twice and claps over and over until everyone at the funeral is doing it* “we will…we will..miss you”
drive-thru worker: would you like to make that large?
me: haha no thanks i need you to make it
Twitter has introduced me to like minded individuals and it’s comforting to know I won’t be going to hell alone
Well, I’ve put it off long enough. I guess I should check on those wraith-like noises coming from the attic. I’ll be right back.
Facebook: Do you know this person?
Me: Yes!
Facebook: Do you want to connect?
Me: Absolutely not.
[grocery store, frozen aisle]
Me: *inhales, stretches arms high*
OmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmClerk: ma’am are you doing yoga?
Me: oh no, I’m just trying to reach dinner peas
A baby proofing service where I sic my toddler on your house so you can see exactly where you need to baby proof.
Clothes shopping with my 11 y/o daughter when she declares she would love to dress in more bright colors but “at the same time, I’m a messy eater.” It takes many years for some people to reach this level of self-awareness.
I reached down to adjust my left bra cup this morning, lost my grip, and punched myself in the chin.