😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣
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Sorry, I sometimes blackmail people when I’m nervous….
genie: hello-
me: i wish for a goth figure skater to get into the olympics and do a routine to welcome to the black parade
When I see an Olympic figure skater fall down, I feel represented.
Do one thing every day that scares people.
I’m deleting all my dating apps cause I’m worried my boyfriend might find out about them
Husband:
[sending smoke signals]
*your*
*house*
*is*
*on*
*fire*
My kid just sneezed in my face and laughed.
Snots fired.
My 10yo just RickRolled me so I’m busy choreographing a first day of middle school flash mob to teach this twerp a lesson.
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I once left the house without using the bathroom first.
Yes, my date did get up and leave during dinner but luckily she hadn’t finished her food.
First date:
Me: Is this it? Are we HAVING THE SEX?!?
Him: that’s a breadstick
Just sold my homing pigeon on eBay for the 32nd time.
A creepy guy in a blue van saw me hit a car in the parking lot.
So I was obligated to leave a note… “ᴀ ᴄʀᴇᴇᴘʏ ɢᴜʏ ɪɴ ᴀ ʙʟᴜᴇ ᴠᴀɴ ʜɪᴛ ʏᴏᴜʀ ᴄᴀʀ”
You didn’t make the team.
*me as your life coach
i’ve got a body like a sack of potatoes but a personality like a french fry
“He died doing what he loved…”
I’m not dead
“Interrupting my jokes”
Just spoke to my wife whiIe twitter was down. She seems nice. She’s a nurse apparently
If you’re stuck at the top of a tree and afraid to get down, call me. I have no fear of heights so getting the chainsaw from my attic is not even an issue.
I use so many age defying crinkle creams that I don’t have finger prints anymore.
Ate an entire pool noodle all by myself.
At the beginning of a long plane ride, I like to ask my husband why he loves me. His frantic look for an escape hatch entertains me.
A movie where humans escape their fences and chase innocent, terrified dinosaurs.
Give a man fish and you’ll feed him for a day…… Give a fish a man and you’re probably in the Mafia
Plot twist: Dogs and cats do not adjust their clocks to Daylight Saving Time. Meals will be expected at the regularly appointed hour.
i was in paris with a boyfriend once and he lit a candle in Notre Dame in order to ask god to raise the price of bitcoin
I became a detective for the cold cases. Turns out they’re nothing to do with beer.
Betrayed.
Restaurant Customer: clarified butter please
Waiter: (points to butter) THIS IS BUTTER
throwback to when the car insurance lady asked my mom for front, rear, & side views but she didn’t get the memo..
Her: You’re a dumpster fire
Me: So you think I’m hot??
“Michael just bought a popcorn popper. You know what he probably wants to buy next? *Another* popcorn popper.”
-Amazon suggestions logic