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English is just 3 languages wearing a trenchcoat pretending to be one tall language
if the benadryl doesn’t work use the back of a shovel
I sneezed so many times I can now hear the color blue
*rearranges underwear drawer*
Neighbor: the party’s downstairs. Please get out of my room
My daughter wanted this triple chocolate cake and waitress warned me 4 times there was a little chocolate liquer in the icing and she was 12 and I finally said, “It is fine, she isnt driving”
In my 20s: I’ll show them
In my 30s: I probably won’t show them
“i have good news & bad news”
wife: bad news 1st
“the washing machine broke”
wife: and the good news?
“the dogs are clean AF”
It’s been 6 months since I joined the gym and no progress. I’m going there in person tomorrow to see what’s really going on.
I want my leggings so high waisted I can pull them up over my head and wear them as a hood
Should I be annoyed or smug that I continually show up in the LinkedIn recruiter search of the company that laid me off
So help me if I only taste dos leches in my tres leches cake
Taco Bell is no longer going to be offering kids meals. Probably because kids are rarely drunk enough to want Taco Bell.
I asked my boyfriend if he believed in trolls and elves and he said, “slightly.”
Me: Something is fishy here
Red herring: *acts very casual
“I only look sexy in contrast to a toilet” – People who bathroom selfie
Mere moments after taking screen time away from my 6yr old as punishment I realized my grave mistake, the person really being punished was me.
Coward (adv.): in the direction of the cows
Daughter: Alexa play Let it Go.
Me: when I was your age I had to call the radio station, wait on hold for 30 mins to request a song, then sit by my boom box for an hour with a blank cassette tape for my song to play so I could record it.
Daughter: I don’t know what that means.
A panic attack is hearing your teens laughing in another room at the same time you can’t find your phone.
Thank god I played a lot of Tetris as a kid or I never would have been able to get everything into the freezer
Fun Fact: Baby powder’s ingredients include baby brothers and sisters who acted up.
Him: what are you doing with that chocolate cake?
Me: Don’t talk to me or my cake ever again!
“Well-behaved women seldom make history,” I quietly say as I don’t wait the full 10 minutes for the oven to preheat.
My stove is the most expensive cigarette lighter I’ve ever purchased.
i was told today that I have “resting smug face” but trust me I’m making the effort
I walked up to my 9yo and said, “How goes it?” He looks up at me and says, “God is history’s greatest serial killer.”
Know why Norway puts barcodes on their naval ships?
so when they return to port they can…
Scandinavian…
I’v been catfishing my best friend Dave for the last 3 weeks. He’s gunna pay me that $50 he owes me or I’m showing these emails to his wife.
“You gotta keep ‘em separated” – The Offspring doing their laundry