😅🤣😂
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Can you imagine how rich Adam and Eve would be right now if they would have held on to that Apple stock instead of eating it and incurring the wrath of God?
And for my next trick I’ll be pulling the rug from under your feet
~Life
“The best eggs are stolen,” I said.
“Poached,” my wife corrected. “Poached.”
Pediatrician: I’d like to discuss your son’s limited interest in, or ability to, interact with others.
Me: Absolutely. Email me?
My doctor told me to eat more Taco Bell.
Well he actually said “less McDonald’s”, but I’m pretty sure I know what he meant.
Girls get so turned on when you take charge. Grab her hair and tell her she needs a shampoo with no harsh sulfates and a new lip stain.
Sometimes I wonder what people without kids do with all that free time. I bet they sit and stuff.
Job interviewer: What are your strengths?
Me: Is the next question going to be about weaknesses?
JI: Yes.
Me: I’m very perceptive.
Why are ghosts always just moaning? Did your manners die too? Use your words!
Army recruiter: “Do you have what it takes to destroy the enemies of our nation?”
Me: *Using recruiter’s mug to peacefully relocate a spider
“Oh absolutely, I’m a killing machine.”
A work friend’s daughter is getting married and she asked me to help plan a potato bar for the reception. I did it. I’m a potato planner. I can die now. This is the reason I was born.
Excuse me officer, I have diplomatic immunity.
*Shows International House of Pancakes loyalty card*
Me: Says here you’re a house flipper. So you renovate and resell them, huh?
A tornado: ≋N≋o≋
My kid went to bed before 10pm tonight so I could go to bed early too and clearly something is about to cost me a lot of money.
Me: *looking through a telescope*: Wow, the universe is so beautiful
God: *placing hands inside black holes*: Thanksssss, it has pockets
What is wrong with Riverdale that ARCHIE was the best option?
Aladdin: 🎶I can show you the world-
me: I’m cold this is boring
You don’t understand how hard it is to play Dungeons & Dragons when your dragon is gay, fabulous and always protesting violence. It’s hard.
The red haired guy in the bakery
doesn’t like being called…
‘The Ginger Bread Man’*lesson learned
Skeletor: Nice ride
He-Man: Thanks
Skeletor: Prince Adam has a pet tiger too
He-Man: Yeah? Complete different guy though
My friends made fun of me for buying this flamethrower, but at least I don’t have to shovel snow this weekend.
Girls have Galentine’s day but I just gave my buddy a 12 pack of beer and called it a dozen broses.
I never make New Year’s resolutions. I just carry the ones over from the previous year and add “This time I’m serious”
Please stop throwing my only possession.
~dogs everywhere
Took our children to Finland to visit Santa and the youngest wrote his Christmas list and popped it into Santa’s hand as we left his house in the North Pole. No fear like being told “Santa knows what I want” by a child who asked for nothing but M&S ham the previous Christmas.
The ways printers are like kids:
1. Need feeding
2. Are noisy
3. Can’t function when offline
Love when strangers try to fact check your personal tweets, like why would i lie about throwing up, Kevin? lol.
[funeral]
ok I need everyone over 70 to gather for the bouquet toss
Luggage is like children. If you leave the airport with two out of three suitcases you did alright.
“You can’t even handle 2 days locked inside AT HOME?! You’d never make it in prison!”
Well no shit. It’s one of many reasons I don’t commit crimes, ya dipshit.