😅🤣😂
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LIFE HACK: dont jump over a dog becuase he wil get comfused and thimk ur a frisbee and try to bite u
How to run faster:
1. Drink a lot of water
2. Wait till u have to pee
3. Start runningYou’re welcome
I’m just a girl, standing at the refrigerator, flipping a Kraft single over and over looking for where the wrapper starts.
“Wow! Go show your mommy!” -what I say to any child talking to me for more than 11 seconds.
My favorite Bible stories are where women are villains for things like picking fruit or getting their boyfriend a better haircut.
“Should we order some plates to share” omg sure I love that! Or I could just order what I want and be so much happier but totally open to either
Son: but I don’t like when the house pees on me
Me: OMG JUST GET IN THE SHOWER
:# <— emoticon for “I’m eating a brillo pad”
Multitasking is key these days. If not during my husband’s work video call, when am I supposed to sport my wedding gown and roll by on a skateboard
Best spoiler warning ever
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: is there a doctor on board
ME: *standing up to get skittles from the overhead bin but now everyone is staring at me* yes i’m a doctor
Don’t cry because it’s over. Cry because you’re just a head in a jar in some science lab.
I couldn’t afford Botox so I just stopped making facial expressions about 15 years ago
Hubs: You wouldn’t believe the day I had at work!
Me: (wiping my kid’s piss off the floor and carpet for the 4,000th time today)
Hubs: Never mind
Me: Smart move
“did you ever get married?”
[wife looks around her old gym at high school reunion and sees me debating if I can touch the rim] no
I’m kind of a big deal on the semi-pro yoyo circuit.
🖤✌🏽
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
Sorry, michael00008765348921652. I’ve already found my partner and definitely don’t want to get to know you better.
Does it make you an acrobat if you get suspended from the chandelier by your drawers after falling over the 2nd floor railing?
I only sleep with people who make me laugh.
Luckily, I find myself hilarious.
Frankly, my stomach would constantly be hurting if I was ever on love island because what you mean our kiss meant nothing. What you mean I have to watch you get to know other people right in front of my salad. What. Do. You. Mean.
Technically, any crime is a petty crime if you bring your pet to assist you during the crime.
Me to wife: “I don’t need a grocery list, it’s only three things.”
Also me: *Forgets two of the three things and comes home with a llama*
Schools be like ok it’s the last week and a world fair so bring a dish from a country you’ve never heard of to feed 75 people at 745 am.
I feel like maybe I shouldn’t have eaten that last taco 🤔
When people start a sentence with “believe it or not” I’m like wow, those are two very good options
Boss made me put a nametag over my left bosom. I leaned over and said, “Now, what shall we name the other one?”
We can put a robot on Mars but we can’t make a hand rail that goes the same speed as an escalator.