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Hot singles over 40 in your area are curious what you use for joint pain and inflammation.
i saw a single tiktok in which a woman mispronounced gnocchi “yonkees” and unfortunately for everyone in my life i am going to say it that way forever now.
Sure, I’d take a bullet for you, but how does robbing an ammunition store prove my love?
Florida is about to release millions of genetically modified mosquitoes.
I hope when they bite you they make you drive better.
Me: “Come on, what’s the worst that could happen?”
My Brain: “Let’s start an alphabetized list categorized by subject and severity, and when we run out of letters we’ll use numbers, and then hold on I should be writing this down”
Mispronouncing words is kind of my forty
It’s not a beard, it’s an animal I’ve trained to sit very still.
[Fancy Restaurant]
Host: May I take the lady’s coat?
Me: Please.
Host: And yours sir?
Me: *tightens belt around my karate GI* You can try.
Since I started yoga I’ve got so flexible I can now bend over far enough to see my toes.
You enter. “I’ve been expecting you,” I say from behind the massive swivel chair. I put too much leg into turning around & spin for 5 mins.
The ancient Egyptians had strict burial requirements which may or may not have included being dug up & displayed in a museum years later.
the votes are coming from… inside the country!!!
Microsoft: “Press any key to continue.”
Also Microsoft: “Well, except THAT one.”
everyone picked up a quirky new habit during the plague i started blaming the sun for everything
SENATOR: “Would you agree that it’s bad for Facebook to steal users’ blood and use it to create a clone army?”
ZUCK: “That’s an interesting question that I’ll have to discuss further with our team. Did you know I started this company in my dorm room?”
After several Steven Segal films in a row, you’d think bad guys would know to avoid rooms that contain both him & a PoolTable
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
The internet is magic sometimes.
the beatles really said “i am the walrus, i am the eggman” and the world was like “ok”
Guess I’ve had too much caffeine…I thought this lady was a muppet.
mechanic: i’m gonna have to replace your brakes
me: with what
I am at my most pretend homemaker when I have a repair person in the house. Who me? Oh I’m just gonna sit here and handsew the trim back on this pillow and when I’m finished with that I’m going to sort my dried flowers for two hours.
Establish dominance by ordering ribs on your date and refuse to use a napkin.
My boss calls me chief, so I really don’t know who’s in charge anymore. I hope it’s not me because I haven’t been paying attention.
Just try to look at your shoes the same way ever again,your welcome.
“I don’t understand swimming. You don’t see fish going for a walk.”
Let me get this straight: Rumpelstiltskin gives you a ton of gold, saves your life, AND takes your first born off your hands and he’s a bad guy?
Taken 5: has anyone seen my doggie?
My dads mate was on a train and the guy opposite him was taking up all the room, being obnoxiously noisy, spreading his paper across the entire table, so after trying to speak to him twice, my dads mate SET FIRE TO THE NEWSPAPER.
Me: The 10yo asked for a sip of my beer!
Wife: I hope you told him why he can’t have any
Me: Yes! Because it’s mine
Wife: Because of the alc
Me: Because of the alcohol