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[having helped prep some pistachios while my wife spends two hours putting together the rest of the meal] How about those nuts, huh? You can really taste the deshelling
[Me as a boxing commentator]
ME: Oh no, they’re fighting again, this is just like last time
judge: your word is meaningless.
me: meaningless. m-e-a-
lawyer: [hand on shoulder] just sit down.
An episode of Unsolved mysteries, but it鈥檚 just parenting a teenaged boy and trying to figure out why you鈥檙e out of moisturizer again.
If life gives you lemons just be thankful that life didn’t give you gonorrhea instead because making lemonade would be very painful
If someone asks for advice, just tell em to follow their heart. No idea what that shit means but at least they’re not talking to you anymore
Me: The dog gives me more attention because he loves me the most.
Husband: No, it’s because you鈥檙e constantly dropping food on the floor.
I dated a computer hacker last year. He made me promise that I wouldn’t share this information because he said that hackers don’t want people to know this… but if you turn the brightness on your monitor down & browse the internet, then you are technically surfing the dark web.
The one closest to the sky is most likely to get eaten by the pterodactyl.
Couldn’t look worse today.
Time to run into an ex…
[adrift at sea]
CLOWN: no worries, we can use this helium canister to propel us to shore
ME: *really squeaky voice* we need a different plan
me: [walking into high school reunion] this is going to be a nightmare
principal: where鈥檚 your pants?
Damn, Twitter. If I wanted to get ignored this hard, I’d yell at my kids
EDWARD SCISSOR HANDS: I鈥檓 gonna kill you
EDWARD ROCK HANDS: not so fast
EDWARD PAPER HANDS: Looks like we鈥檝e got a real Mexican stand-off
INTERVIEWER: You put “summoning demons” as a special skill?
ME: That’s right.
INTERVIEWER: *sweating profusely* When can you start?
ME: i have a cold
WIFE: for the last time it鈥檚 called an ice cube
ME: I love u
GF: omg
ME: and I wanna be with u always
GF: *crying*
ME: [gets down on 1 knee] will u–
GF: U ARE DISRESPECTING THE FLAG
the secret to my success is everywhere i go i wear a shirt that says STAFF on the back
Making a list of all the people who wrote “Happy Birthday” on my wall without an exclamation point so that I know who’s secretly mad at me.
Good morning
All squirrels fly when you own a T-shirt cannon.
at soccer practice a mom next to me asked her kids if they wanted to do cartwheels with her and i鈥檓 like shut up no one likes you
My 4yo asserts dominance by aggressively putting snacks in my hand so she can take dance breaks
I got a car wash 5 days ago and it hasn’t rained yet. Who broke the weather?
If a coworker has two apples in his right hand and two oranges in his left hand, what does he have?
No chance of blocking an uppercut.
Empathic Friend: Oh honey, you鈥檝e got a lot on your plate
Me: I got the buffet 馃き
Her r茅sum茅 lists “attention to detale” under strengths.
DATE: this bread is dry. you should talk to the manager
ME: ok *waves over manager*
MANAGER: can I help you?
ME: tell her to shut up about the bread
*throws all my dirty dishes in the trash*
Me: Alexa, order me new dishes.
Bank account: *shakes head furiously*
Me: sigh. *starts placing dishes in sink*
Her: how are you
Me: good
Her: you sure?
Me: yup
Her: you’re alright?
Me: yes..
Her: really?
Me:
Her: are y–
Me: people like you go missing