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Apparently even if you delete the drunk text messages you sent last night from your phone, the other person can still see them.
Why is it called “getting your car fixed” and not “autocorrect”
I’m at the age where any time my mom asks if I remember so-and-so from high school, the news is never good
I asked my wife 3 weeks ago to sit down and watch Evangelion with me for the first time.
She said yes.
Part ways through the first episode she asks:
“I wonder when we meet Evan.”
I asked, who?
She replies: “Evan. The guy the show’s named after. Evan Gelion.”
Psychic: Which of you wants the reading, you or your ex-wife?
Me: She’s my current wife.
Wife: [to psychic] Oh, you’re good.
[sipping hot orange juice] if you’re breaking up with me at least give me a reason
Just had to persuade my child to eat something delicious because children.
Friend: Can I borrow a hair band?
Me: *retrieving Bon Jovi from the basement* Please have them home by 9.
My dog is home alone today. I wish I could call him and make sure he’s okay, but he keeps his phone on silent
*runs into a burning building to save the fire*
this is me
The ex says he’s come into some money and can finally “take care” of me. Wait…he’s gonna have me killed isn’t he?
interviewer: can you use word
me: buddy [putting hand on his shoulder] I can use a lot of words
Religion has been soaked in blood like the Parle-G biscuit that breaks off and settles at the bottom of your cup.
This whole year with my family has given me whatever the opposite of Stockholm Syndrome is.
My memory is pretty bad until I’m pissed off, and then you are in for quite the surprise.
There are no mistakes, only learning opportunities.
***UPDATE***
Do not tell your kids they were learning opportunities.
My parents decided to test their marriage by going to IKEA today
Me: *lifts couch cushion*
6yo: what are you looking for?
Me: six thousand dollars
Someone in one of the screen rooms at my theatre was eating pepperoni and I can’t tell if I’m repulsed by the smell or impressed by the audacity.
does anyone in IT care to admit that when someone submits a help request you quietly fix the problem behind the scenes and then tell them to try something super obvious so they look like an idiot?
Potential serial killer in Stockton, CA. Be on the look out in the Stockton area and in California as a whole. Watch this video to see what we know! Important!! But also watch this ad first
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
FISHERMAN: Which one?
“Age ain’t nothing but a number.” Bro, age is a word.
We have this problem in Skye. Not a family round here hasn’t lost a baby or a dog to the eagles. We just don’t whine about it all the time. Southerners. 🙄
“How’s your love life?”
Well, I went on a date. 45 minutes in I realized it was a turtle in a wig.
“I’m sorry man”
it’s ok. still got laid.
“The lights are on but nobody’s home” is such a brutal way to say somebody’s dumb 😭😭😭😭😭
No. I would not like it if my dog knew how to talk, I taught my daughter to talk now all she does is make fun of me
My daughter forgot to bring her lunch to school today. It was delicious.
I’m sad because of all the money I’ve lost in the market recently but I’m also really excited to start replying with “IN THIS ECONOMY?!” anytime people ask me to do anything.