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Lady Frankenstein: Your manservant Igor gives me the willies
Dr Frankenstein: Sorry, he’s supposed to put them in the fridge
Confession: Half the time I told my sister’s friends she wasn’t home it was so I didn’t have to take the phone to her.
relationship goals
Little known fact, Alvin wore the big A on his shirt because he slept around.
How To Make Lemon Squares:
Make the undercookie
Then the jigglesauce
Pour the jigglesauce on the undercookie and put it in the bakeybox
take me down to the opposite city where the girls are green and the grass is pretty
Society has this weird perception that nurses are the most nurturing parents.
My kids: My arm hurts when I move it!!
Me: Then don’t do it.
I’m a puzzle wrapped in an enigma hidden inside a set of Russian Nesting Dolls, so deep, so profound that – what? Yes, I’ll have fries.
[creation]
PORCUPINE: So what’s my deal
GOD: Basically a fat lazy rat that eats sticks and your vision sucks
P: WTF dude are you serious
G: lmfao yeah bro
P:
G:
P: Can… I at least be covered in thousands of tiny swords
G:
P:
G: HELL YES THAT IS METAL AF MY MAN
If you get a tattoo with words, and there is a misspelling, just get a red squiggly line added underneath it and everything’s cool
Got Fired by the Zoo for Teaching all the Sloths Tai Chi
Me: *giggling* No you hang up first..
Pizza hut: Sir, please stop doing this..
It took years for my gf to get me to put down the toilet seat. Though, I really don’t know why I was carrying it around in the first place.
Sorry I was late for our date. The wheels in my heelies got stuck in a storm grate again.
my son ordering a “well done” steak bc he thought it meant they would do a better job
2-step verification should be at least somewhat dance related
“That video conference call went extremely well!” I say to myself, having arrived late, mouthed ‘hello’ while on mute, and left before it was over because I noticed my underwear drawer was open and overflowing in the background the whole time. “Yes, quite well.”
If you didn’t want to marry me then why’d you show up with ice cream?
Actor Eddie Murphy nailed America’s cultural bias nearly 30 years ago.
Girls are shit with birthday gifts you’ll hint for a Rolex all year & she’ll turn up with a jar that’s filled with 22 things she loves about you lol
“Nope. Nope. Yeah right. Nope. Close! Nah. Nope. Almost! Hahaha, you’re terrible at this.” – piece of popcorn stuck between teeth.
Maybe we should be focussing less on Goldilocks and more on why Mama and Papa bear don’t sleep in the same bed anymore.
This sounds bad:
No trip to Home Depot is complete without at least two more trips to Home Depot for what you didn’t know you needed to buy the first time.
Just so u know guys I literally covered my roommates bed in 324 pieces of cornbread 2 make it a “cornbed” so ur fakes puns mean nothing 2 me
when you are just born a rebel
The pottery scene from ghost but it’s me behind you adding more mayo while you’re making me a sandwich.
in 2nd grade we had to draw what we wanted to be when we grew up and i just drew myself with sunglasses on
Without freedom of speech we wouldn’t know who the idiots are!
A video of a seal jumping in a boat
to escape killer whales went viral.They were trying to orca-strate
a meal, but didn’t seal the deal.