😆this is so true
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Cereal is a satisfying way to start the day if you’re having another breakfast within 45 minutes.
The recipe said “Set the oven to 180 degrees,” so I did, but now I can’t open it because the door faces the wall.
*abruptly stops sword fighting my pet raccoon* Oh the intervention is for me??
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
“55?”
Cop: Faster.
“217.”
Cop: Um, no, 72.
“24?”
Cop: I already told y-
“Negative 6?”
Cop: Get out.
Just burnt 2,000 calories…
That’ll be the last time I bake a pizza while I’m asleep!
I have so many mistakes. It’s hard to choose a favourite.
If you bought 1 Bitcoin ten years ago it would now be worth 1 Bitcoin
Let that sink in
I always carry a knife because cake, and murder.
HUSBAND: Do you want to
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
HUSBAND: I didn’t say anything yet.
ME: Sorry, go ahead.
HUSBAND: Would you like to go
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
It’s funny how my doorbell starts working when I’m expecting a pizza delivery.
“Huge”.
Waitress shouted after me for not paying and like an idiot I said, “you too!”
I tried memorizing the names of British currency but after a while, I quid trying.
“I’m on my way.” -People who haven’t even left the house yet.
If we keep saving daylight, daylight will never learn to save itself.
I want to open a Vietnamese restaurant called PhoNomNomNomenal ™️
2000: I don’t want no scrubs
2020: I’m actually gonna need all those scrubs.
My neighbor just yelled at her kids so loud, that even I brushed my teeth & went to bed.
My kids: what are we having for…
ME: LEFTOVERS
Telling my kids they can only have one fruit snack per day while I have 400 per day in secret.
If I were 30 years younger, I’d remember where I was going with this tweet.
5 [falls down playing in creek]: ow my leg! Dad I need a Band-Aid!
Me: You’re not bleeding, Band-Aids are for when we bleed
5: I neeeeeeed one!
Me [sighing and preparing for placating, goes to put Band-Aid on leg]
5: not there! On my arm!
Cashier: “Sir, the toilet paper you’re buying goes on sale tomorrow.”
“COOL, I’LL CHECK WITH MY FAMILY TO SEE IF THEY CAN HOLD IT IN.”
I want a car horn that shouts obscenities.
I have a scar on my lower back from the time I bounced on a trampoline and landed on one of the springs the wrong way.
I call it my trampoline stamp.
“Are you mad at me?”
No. Why? Should I be?? Did you do something??? WHAT DID YOU DO????
you can’t prove that threatening a toilet doesn’t work
The mother went through her daughter phone and the lil boy her daughter was texting just went off on the mom 😂 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.HI I’M A NERVOUS POOPER.
… Nailed it!
If you’ve never told a cop that pulled you over for doing 88mph or higher that you are a time traveler then have you ever really even tried to get out of a ticket