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I was out on a walk when I saw a sign that said, “Man wanted for robbery.”
So I went in and applied for the job.
“my 7th grader is reading at a 9th grade level” ok big deal, my doctor told me my body is aging at a 73 year old level.
If you REALLY need to get laid tonight, put on your oldest or most ridiculous underwear. It works every single time.
toothpaste is a big scam. if ur tooth falls out, it stays out. toothpaste Will Not paste it back in.
Penguin: is it true birds fly south for the winter?
God: yes but you don’t need to fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you already live as far south as possible.
Penguin: oh yeah!
God: and you live there all year long!
Penguin: oh man the other birds are gonna be so jealous : )
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
Me: Please can you get my iPad in the lounge?
5yr: I think you should poo without it. I just play with my fingers and sing and stuff…
In case you needed to hear it:
Friend: [rubs my shoulder] Aw, honey, your life isn’t over. It’s just beginning!
Me: *sobs even harder
I fucking love letting emergency vehicles past on blue lights. I try to make it as easy as possible for them, to the point that I hope they drive past and think ‘wow, he’s done a great job of getting out the way’
me: i dont want any kids
person: *low chuckle* oh, you’ll change your mind.
me: *grabs them by collar* tell me more about the future, wizard
The tapeworm was replaced by the CD-worm and then eventually by the mp3-worm.
Don’t ask me how evolution works!
doctor: you want a note to get out of work?
me: please
doctor: [writing] you’re… fired…
Me: What should we grow?
4-year-old: Tomatoes!
[1 week later]
Me: Look, the tomato plants sprouted!
4: Ugh, I hate tomatoes why would you grow those?
my only real opinion on adam levine is that if he inhaled helium his voice would get deeper
me: you misspelled school
8yo: I don’t think ‘h’ needs to be in that word
me: I think you’re taking our “think for yourself” talk a little too far
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
me: correct me if I’m wrong-
the internet: sir, we will correct you even if you’re right
On bad days I like to take a pregnancy test to remind myself that things could be much worse.
People: Coronavirus is the worst thing that could have happened in 2020.
Murder hornets: Hold my stinger.
How do you milk an almond?
ME: So you could say I’m bad to the bone?
DOCTOR: Yeah, but we call it gangrene.
me when someone’s obsessed with me: yikes
me when someone’s not obsessed with me: wtf
The secret to my impressive dance moves? Spider webs.
(McDonald’s bathroom)
*pulls away from kissing*
You’re better than my mirror at home
If I were a kidnapper, I’d drive around telling adults there’s naps in the van.
I remember when spring break meant a week on Padre Island parting with my friends, and now it’s spent hoping my kids aren’t on Padre Island partying with their friends.
neighbor complimenting my jack-o-lantern: wow is that hand carved?
me: *wiggling my fingers* haha no it’s real.