You Might Also Like
Baking is just science you can eat.
imagine you’re in a heated argument with a Wiccan and they start lighting candles.
[in the insect dissection room]
Your fly is open.
I hate to admit this but our feelings on certain things really do change as we get older. 10 years ago, I would have preferred to get a new video game instead of an engagement ring but now that I’m older, I would prefer to get a domesticated raccoon instead of an engagement ring.
God help the parent* who tries to put a new food on their child’s plate.
*my husband
Doctor: You have acute appendicitis.
Me: And you have a cute face. Drinks?
“Don’t ask.”
Oh. I wasn’t even listening.
It’s never a good sign when you tell your child goodnight and they respond “see you later”
A rap song where I’m just telling my dog about my day & I keep rhyming with “treats” so he stays interested.
“you are strong. you are smart,” i whisper to myself as i struggle to figure out whether to push or pull on a door
If you ever think you see Dean Koontz, start chanting koontz-koontz-koontz over and over so if it isn’t him it’ll just look like you’re really into techno and public humiliation.
I wanted to join a street gang when I was a teenager but I failed the dancing audition.
[Award Speech]
Me: I wanna thank my mom, who I know is watching me from up there.
*I kiss my hand and point to the sky*The crowd looks to see my mom doing circles in a parachute thousands of feet above
Mom: PROUD OF YOU SWEETIE!
welcome to janurary 32nd everyone
judge: how do you plead
me: no further questions your honor
I dropped off some paperwork at coworker’s house last night. I guess he hadn’t mentioned I was coming & one of his kids asked me who I was. They were eating dinner so I said, “I’m the food police. I’m making sure everyone is eating their vegetables.” That broccoli was gone, man.
aruba, jamaica / oooh, i wanna take ya
atlanta, las vegas/ uhhh that’s lots of places
vienna, then florence/ baaabe i can’t afford this
Just realized telling moms we have a lice scare gets me out of everything and I wish I’d thought of this earlier in my parenting journey.
I thought white noise was the sound of people complaining at Starbucks.
Friend: I got a job as a carpenter, but it sucks.
Me: No prob, just learn a few magic tricks and people will worship you as their savior.
[date]
Me, struggling to pronounce things on the menu: I’ll just have the chicken nouj-
Date: nuggets
I just realized my 5-year-old has been stressed because he thought that a “trim around the ears” meant that we were going to take him upstairs and cut his ears off.
Pretty lame how horses and dogs don’t capitalize on their ability to wear 2 pairs of jean shorts at once
14yo: *Asks my husband something*
Husband: *Distracted, doesn’t answer*
14yo: “Hello?? Why is he leaving me on read in real life?”
People need to stop with the crime, some of us don’t want to do jury duty because you can’t act right.
CDC: You can take your mask off if you’re fully vaccinated
AMATEUR VENTRILOQUIST: Goddammit
Is it just me or does this cat look like someone’s grandpa
When I was little, I didn’t care what I wore. I just went along with what my parents chose.
When I look in old photo albums, l realize that they didn’t care either.
Vader: Remove my helmet so I can see you with my own eyes.
Luke: OK.
Vader: On second thought, don’t. I have 30 years worth of hat hair.