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I don’t understand how people in the Walking Dead are living in the zombie apocalypse and they still look more well rested than I do
A lethal injection that takes two hours has no place in a civilized society. And it shouldn’t happen in Arizona either.
[if you can make a girl laugh you can make her do anything]
*makes a girl laugh*
me: can you do my taxes
I confused the spatula with a flyswatter is why that is floating in your soup.
life is like a box of chocolates: it kills dogs
*Ordering Chinese Food
Vanilla Ice: I’ll have egg rolls and chicken fried rice rice baby
What do you get when you stick three kids and two adults with full time jobs in a house 24 hours a day for 6 months and then add in zoom school? A toddler who walks around all day shouting “Oh Dear God!”, apparently.
Vixxxen is just a reindeer with a side hustle.
Useful cooking directions would read: remove package from garbage, read instructions, repeat
Me scrolling Twitter: ok that’s enough
My brain: what if the next tweet is The One
Nothing makes me feel more “white collar” than when I’m nodding my head at someone pointing to a line graph that I know nothing about.
“We need something strong and durable to protect cellphones from damage”
LG: Plastic?
Samsung: Metal?
iPhone 8: What about Glass?
“You know what? I’ll just wait for the next Uber. Thanks.”
it’s highly problematic to celebrate the 4th of july when there are literally hundreds of other days in july
Are we there yet?…
In the same week I found my glasses and my car keys in the refrigerator. It’s a goddam wonder the government lets me live alone.
Marriage advice from my Dad: “Leaps of faith are part of every relationship. I go to sleep every night long before your Mom does, trusting that she will not steal my Peanut Chews.”
Is it really based on a true story when actors are hotter than the characters they play?
Let’s tell the truth cell phone. I don’t have six missed calls. I have six ignored calls.
I’ll call it smartphone when it slaps me in the face before sending a text to an ex.
Last night I read that it takes people an average of 7 minutes to fall asleep. And then I laid awake the entire night thinking about that.
Me: “Dear God…just leave me here. Bury me right here, or charter a crane to lift me home. I can’t move. My pants. Sweet Angel of Merciful Death, I am ready.”
*Pies are brought to the table.*
Me: “We have Cool Whip or something to go with this orrr…?”
I hate people who hold grudges, but not as much as I hate my high school German teacher.
Sorry I painted a hat on your head while you were sleeping, but I can’t knit.
Okay this one takes it home
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: i didn’t need it, there was a toilet
Signed up to be a diplomat. Won’t need a vaccine cause I’ll have that sweet, sweet immunity
The NFL has hired their first female referee.
She will throw flags for penalties the teams
committed 5 years ago.
I think LGBT sounds too much like a sandwich.