Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When people with bible quotes in their bio follow me…I don’t know man. I think you’re gonna have a bad time

My new boss just described me as “dramatic but not problematic” and I’ve never felt more understood in my life

I can easily spot a wolf in sheep’s clothing but this guy was dressed like my grandmother which threw me off

I wonder if serial killers ever leave their knives on the edge of the sink in case they may want to commit two murders.

me: i’m sad about this thing
therapist: but it’s not about that thing
me: ok thx here’s $175

911? I’m a man trapped in a woman’s body!
“That’s not exactly an emergency.”
Oh. Huh. Ok.
*Tries door in Statue of Liberty again*

Sex is great and all but have you ever been tased in a Dairy Queen parking lot?

The opposite of a vegan is a Texan

*incoming text*
“hey bud can I crash at ur place”
Sure come on over
*sound of approaching airplane*

[Valentine’s Day]

Husband: These Reese’s hearts look weird. And why aren’t they wrapped?

Me: *flashback to carefully reshaping half-price Reese’s pumpkins into hearts* I guess they come like that now?

ok i’ll bite.. what is Britain

Thankfully I haven’t had to go out and panic buy any food as I’ve been saving some plums in my icebox for this very occasion.

The Shining is my favorite Christmas movie about enjoying quality time with the family when you’re snowed in.

Sometimes I feel driving over Beliebers, but then I’m like, “what is wrong with me??” because I just got my car washed.

Nurse: we need to draw some blood

Me with a fine arts degree: *hastily reaches into backpack* i saved my good marker for this

ME: If we get nuked I hope my cats live. They can eat my corpse for sustenance. I’d be fine with that.
DAD: So you’re still single

Desire to not get beat up > Desire to wear a cloak

Outside is where I can see all the leg hair I missed when shaving so maybe I should be shaving my legs outside.

landlord: your income needs to be 3x rent

me: can you tell my boss that

How to start a fight with your wife:
1- Watch your wife buy a squash
2- Put it on the shelf
3- After three months ask your wife if the squash has a name

Not really a humane solution in my opinion

Someone just called me the GOAT. That’s what I get for chewing on a tin can behind a barn.

Whenever I’m willing to sell my soul, there’s usually food involved.

An odd boast

I was with someone that did mushrooms yesterday that told me they could, like, *hear* sounds and I didn’t have the heart to tell them that’s how I receive sounds too

Hangover status: playing duct, duct, tape with the kids.

Being a bigger account doesn’t make you a better person. We’re all terrible people. We’re on twitter. I threw a baby at a fox this morning.

britney spears working at an ice cream shop called scoops i did it again.

Therapist: What if you didn’t constantly hammer away at yourself in your head?

Me: Lol I know right

Therapist: For real though

Me: Can you imagine haha

Therapist: No. I am making an actual suggestion

Me: Wait, that’s an option?