Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The reason I don’t use Uber is any one of you could be a driver.

DAD GUIDE ON HOW TO WATCH A MOVIE:
1) put on a movie
2) don’t watch it
3) read a book
4) every time something happens ask what happened

My great grandfather always used to call me Alan. I thought it was him being silly, but I later discovered I was going to the wrong house.

It’s been my experience that people seem a lot nicer before we get married

the top three reasons people break up:

-cheating
-fights about money
-incompatible peanut butter types

I haven’t cried since 1997, when I saw the movie Armageddon and realised Ben Affleck was going to be a big movie star.

If my memory serves me, the last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood.

I never saw myself as a mechanic but earlier today there was a rattle in my engine so I turned up the radio and it disappeared!

Found something new to say when I leave a room.

Trying to do deadlifts at the gym, but I can’t figure out where they hide the bodies.

Me to my daughter who is in the swimming pool: I have some water if you need some.

Daughter: *looks around* I have plenty. Thanks.

It’s all fun and games until you send the clapping emoji instead of the prayer hands when commenting on the news of a death in the family.

ME: I’ll have the steak, medium-rare please

WAITER: Sure, would you like anything on the side?

ME: To be totally candid I’d like it all on the plate

My mom gave the kids a 1,000 piece puzzle, so tonight, as a family, we will be putting together a list of nursing homes.

That’s a good costume, I hope.

*builds a fort out of paper towel packages at store*

*coerces other customers to bring me cheese samples in exchange for fort privileges*

You’re a vegetarian who eats fish? I guess that makes sense since bears are basically vegetarians.

I don’t care if you have a date you can’t borrow the good porcupine.

(cloud briefly passing overhead, obscuring the sun) what fresh hell is this ?

I’ve spent three hours investigating this chicken and I still can’t find his nuggets.

If you’ve got one of those video doorbells, don’t be surprised if I do a tight seven-minute set on your porch.

I can’t wait to jump on my kids’ beds at 5am on Mother’s Day, and holler “WHAT DID YOU GET ME?!?”

You can’t fix everything, you’re not a giant asteroid.

The whitest shit about Greek mythology is that when they hear sirens they get closer

The Epstein client list but to the tune of Mambo number 5.

Treat her like a princess & she’ll love you forever.
Unless she’s an actual princess. Then she’ll just think “I’m being treated normally.”

*fashions codpiece out of grilled cheese sandwich*

Wife: it’s still NO!

*punches a fish* that’s for tsunamis

what scared me at age 8:
-quicksand
-snakes
-boat scene from willy wonka

what scares me now:
-dying alone
-boat scene from willy wonka

“Axe” is not going to help you get girls, unless you spray it in their eyes then quickly chloroform them.