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How’s your morning?
Me: Grabs a bowl for coffee
Remember when we had to smack the TV cause it wasn’t coming in clearly…I feel that way about too many people
I asked why there was a scale at the estate lawyer’s office. She explained, “Where there’s a will there’s a weigh.”
Kids: We are making you a Christmas gift!
Me: Oh, that is so sweet-
K: *pull out paint*
Me: You really don’t-
K: *pull out glue*
Me: Really, guys, I don’t need-
K: *pull out glitter*
Me: Christmas is cancelled.
New menu item
My least popular conspiracy theory is that orchestra conductors don’t actually do anything. Some guy just shows up and says “okay I’mma direct you” and the musicians play the same but treat it like a Make-a-Wish thing and are like, “That’s great, bud, you’re directing so good!”
Note to self:
When the wife asks “Do you like my new hair”, don’t reply with “It’ll grow back, right?”
Reset password
‘SevenDays’
Your password is week
Eric Trump said the Syria strike was swayed by a “heartbroken” Ivanka. He also pouted that dad has never bombed a country for him.
‘Pardon my French’ -People who you would never pardon and who don’t know any French
[in the bedroom]
Her: *seductively reaches towards my hair*
Me: Babe…don’t touch the bandana
my sixth grade gifted program class had to do presentations on our favorite US presidents. i procrastinated until the due date and chose nixon last-minute because i thought his last name sounded cool. i discovered watergate halfway through making the powerpoint but held my ground
My grandfather built his house with his bare hands.
I just groaned after I put my shoes on because now I have to tie them.
Someone should open a bar called “The Gym”, so when I tell people where I’m going, it won’t be a lie.
*pronounces ‘cake’ like ‘khaki’ in all your tweets
me: i wonder what geese do at night
goose: [in a surveillance van] dammit we’re running out of time
My daughter has decided singing happy birthday to her is punishable by death
Maternity confirmed
How to draw a duck
As an adult you should already know shit like if you’re standing in the rain you should wear a rain coat and if you’re standing in a trench, you should wear a trench coat
DEATH: behold, the four horsemen! The apocalypse is nigh!
ME: You’re all centaurs?!!!
FAMINE: What did you expect?
ME: lol
WAR: STOP LAUGHING!! ALL SHALL PERISH!!
ME: you want a sugar cube?
FAMINE:… Yes
Forever Alone Barbie: Comes with 20 cats, and a Twitter account. Alcoholism and debilitating depression not included.
Pool party at my house… BYOP (Bring Your Own Pool)…
Me: Are those fries seasoned?
Waiter: They’ve seen a few things.
Texts from mom:
Thanks to the supreme court, now it’s not just women who won’t marry you.
I SAID: How’s vacation going?
MY PARENTS HEARD: I’ve got a couple hours, can you tell me every intricate detail about the weather? Start with the day you left.
Mom always said she didn’t have a favorite child, which was tough because I don’t have any brothers or sisters.
If you think being a vegetarian will make you thin, I direct your attention to cows.
Fed the cat dog food and suddenly she’s barking at the mail man.
doctor: your blood pressure is a bit high
me: maybe it’s because someone is strangling my bicep