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Up to 300 serial killers are active every day but the good news is that some of us have been incapacitated by the internet.
[first date]
HER: Scars are beautiful. Each one tells a story of personal growth and triumph over adversity.
ME: I got this one fighting a porpoise.
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
A few weeks ago I mentioned toilet paper in a tweet and got toilet paper in the mail. So, here goes: dragons.
Just used the phrase “my good coat hanger”, if you’re wondering if I have a Swiss Bank Account.
[assembling baby’s cot]
Wife: take that bit off
Me [reluctantly removing the machine gun turret]: so anyone can just walk in here then
Me: Ooh, I’d love to go to your party, but I have a dentist appointment.
Her: On a Saturday night?
Me: I’ve got really bad teeth.
[First Day As A Director]
Me: [forgot how to end a scene] *tackles the cameraman*
mechanic: i’m gonna have to replace your brakes
me: with what
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: like this 🙏
“Involve your toddler in cooking!” …so dinner can take 35 minutes longer to make and they still won’t eat anything.
Don’t people with bumper stickers realize it takes a t-shirt to change a person’s deeply held beliefs?
“HEY ATHLETES WITHOUT MONEY FOR TRAINING FACILITIES OR PROPER UNIFORMS, Y U NO WIN GOLD MEDALS?” – Indians
This is the tale of Callie who started a service to provide fortune telling and hypnotism while driving people around. As time went on her clairvoyance weakened but her suggestive power grew.
She’s…..
Uber Callie fragile mystic expert at hypnosis
In the original fairy tale Goldilocks also reads all their diaries.
I asked my neighbor to watch my dog for a couple of nights, as my neighbor’s a private detective & I think my dog might be having an affair.
Thanks, autocorrect. Now all my friends think I’m inviting them over for a Halloween-themed Texas Chainsaw Massage
Me, performing surgery:[stops midway and sticks both of my hands out to see which one is L-shaped for “left” ]
Forgot the word tree so I just said bush on a stick
i’ve eaten so many carbs during quarantine, my blood sugar is now regulated by pancakereas
I bet the worst part about kidnapping someone is knowing they are just sitting there in your trunk, judging your choice in music.
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
Scientists have yet to pinpoint why the universe sends a loud car, barking dog or gale force winds past your house just as your kid is about to drift off to sleep.
These kids act like they’ve never gotten a half-pealed hard boiled egg for Halloween before.
This was my dad’s browser history.
Just because you’ve never met a time traveler doesn’t mean there aren’t any. Those idiots probably all got eaten by dinosaurs
Since we don’t have children my wife shows people photos of our Air Fryer.
Either my 1 year old found the stash of markers or she head-butted a rainbow.
H: I think we should see other people.
Me: Do I have to? I don’t even really want to see you.
I like to take candy from a kid cause sugar is bad for them. Then, I eat it in front of them while saying, “don’t do this”