Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hitting the brakes, I instinctually reach my arm out in front of my passenger seat as my mother did before me. It’s ok, I whisper to my travel Doritos, you’re safe.

MY MOM: every time I type a letter it types it twice?

ME: have you restarted your computer?

MY MOM: (very sadly) I was hoping you’d have a better idea.

I was led to believe there’d be secret missions, stamps in my passport and fancy galas.

Me: *takes off my clothes*

Masseuse Instructor: No. The client removes their clothes…not you.

First rule of cleaning while listening to music: the toilet brush is never the microphone….. Never

doctor: the bad news is you’re dying

me: so there’s good news?

doctor: not for you, no

Him: so you like bad boys?

Me: of course not

Him: oh. but your tinder profile sa-

Me: -wait just a minute [my dog leaves the room] ok he’s gone. no that was a lie, I totally do

9: I noticed there is bacon in the fridge

Me: yes

9: you gonna cook it?

Me: yes

9: I love you

Me: I know

If the virus can keep becoming a new version of itself so can you.

Gramps’ head was chopped off by a helicopter blade and same with his dad and his dad before him. So no Rod, you can’t go to helicopter camp.

I made you something special for Mother’s Day, my kid threatened.

*throws coin in fountain*
stranger: can you not do that?
Me: just want my wish to come true
S: this is a drinking fountain
m: wish came true

[showing baby to friends]
“Aw, he looks like his dad!”
Wife [trying to hold back tears]: they say there’s nothing they can do

Props to just stopping in the middle of the grocery aisle. Personally never tried it, but it seems big.

One day I’m probably going to be too lazy to breathe and just die.

eating beef jerky and thinking that cow probably shoulda drank more water

So it turns out that the cookie dough flavored toothpaste I have been using is actually just normal cookie dough.

God: so you shoot them with the arrows

Cupid: yes

God: and then they fall in love

Cupid: right

God: with other compatible people

Cupid: uh well-

God: who will love them back

Cupid:

God:

Cupid: sure

People are always impressed to find out that I got my PhD at 17 but anything is possible if you work hard enough and lie.

{Signing up for anything}
THEM: And what is the best way to contact you?
ME: The best way?
THEM: Yes, the way you prefer.
ME: Oh then the way I prefer is that you do not contact me.

My Dad turns off his cell phone when he’s home because, “I have a phone at home, why waist the battery?”

Love you Dad

it’s fun to yell CHEESE! at a group of girls and watch them switch to their Facebook Poses

‘I’m so single that if I win a trip for two, I’m goin twice’

Corporate Email: To add professionalism to all company correspondence, please make sure to add a photo to your profile.

Me: Okay.

Nice try, horror movies, but the scariest thing I’ve ever seen is still a 4-year-old holding a sharpie without the cap.

My top 5 exercises:
-jumping to conclusions
-flying off the handle
-carrying things too far
-dodging responsibilities
-pushing my luck

“Son do you know how to tell if a pineapple is ripe?”

*throws pineapple against grocery store wall*

“Ah nuts that was a good one.”

I shaved my legs today and it was the fastest 3lbs I’ve ever lost in my life

Surprise them all by pulling a sword on your maid of honor.

Person who is about to invent the coffee mug: Ouch! This coffee cup is too hot to pick up!

Boss: I don’t have time for this. Handle it.