😍😂🥰😂😍
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My mom (seriously) asked if my friend’s brother “still had down syndrome.” No mother, he walked it off.
I wonder if my heating pad thinks I’m cheating on it when I sleep with my electric blanket.
5: I accidentally opened this bag of chips so I should probably eat them all, right, Mom?
Me: NO! Put the chips away, have a piece of fruit.
Also me, that night: welp, might as well finish off this sleeve of cookies or they’ll probably go bad.
[Jail]
INMATE: I killed a guy.
SCOOBY DOO VILLAIN: I got caught trying to haunt an old warehouse by a bunch of teenagers and a talking dog.
me: today I made asphalt, mixed paint and got zoning approval
date: that seems like a lot
me: parking garage actually
date: what
me: what
I’m trying to be more fit these days, so now I walk inside the store to buy my donuts instead of using the drive-thru.
If you don’t pay your exorcist
You get repossessed
Just realized that the group therapy I attended weekly for three years was actually the waiting room of a local optometrist.
I accidentally texted my husband “last dinner” instead of “late dinner” and now he won’t come home
Me: I’d like to withdraw some daylight from my savings please
Bank: sorry no
Me: look I’ve been inside for 8 weeks now, there must be *something* in there
Bank: ok thats not really how this works
Me: omg this is daylight robbery
*walks into Good Will*
Hi yes, I’d like to trade my friend Will in for a better one.
Sex is like pizza. Turtles are having it in the sewers.
If I won the lottery, I wouldn’t go nuts. Probably buy some printer ink, and with what was left over, maybe an avocado.
if you ever want to witness an Oscar worthy performance, ask any person from twitter their follower count and watch them pretend to not know
“I wondered if I could use a study room that’s private and out of the line of sight where nobody can see or hear what I’m doing in there.”
“Well, since you put it that way, absolutely not.”
Current status: I just turned on the garbage disposal so the cats wouldn’t hear me getting the cheese out of the fridge.
Look, don’t call it a salad “bar” if you’re going to tell me I can’t do ranch dressing shots.
wait a minute. when the orc in lord of the rings says “looks like meat’s back on the menu boys” how does he know what a menu is
My wife is in the kitchen and she will not bring me a beer here in the living room. That’s it…gonna text her and say “I cannot believe how lazy you are.
9: Can I rent an otter?
Me: Uh, I haven’t had my second cup of coffee yet I can’t do this conversation right now
Wife: He misunderstands everything.
Counsellor (to me): What does she mean?
Me: It’s a feminine pronoun.
Twitter is perfect for extroverted introverts. I want to be social & have lots of friends but I don’t want to leave my house. Or wear pants.
I am starting to suspect that my camo hoodie isn’t as clean as it appears
[at my funeral]
*casket falls onto the floor*Mum: that’s the quickest I’ve ever seen him move
Dad: lol owned
I saw God in a dream and all he did was brag about making Pedro Pascal
God grant me the FOOD to sustain my body,
the LAUNDRY DETERGENT to wash the stains from my clothes,
and the WISDOM to know the difference.
Remember being a kid and looking up to adults because you thought they were smart?
LOL
wife: I wish you’d quit breaking wind at the dinner table
me: *judo chopping the air* champions are always training
when you’re supposed to be in bed but the grown-ups’ dinner party is too loud
